What Keeps Them Coming Back

The title of this post is completely misleading.  The real question is, "Why do I keep coming back"?  Who is this dark muppet that I inhabit? What is it about his misogyny and grotesqueness that draws me in like a moth to a light?

His claims of bedding every porn star ever including Ron Jeremy seems to good to be true.  His claims of 38 stays in rehab beating out every single Hollywood fuck up.

 

He has been banned in fourteen countries.  His blog is banned in 28.  He has spent time in more foreign jails than can be counted.  The US government has denied his existence publicly 19 times yet have rescued him 11.

The legend of Doctor Teeth has grown over the years. Claims of bedding 57,000 women seems impossible in a single life time, but thats only if you've only lived once......

Dr. Teeth has been regarded as the only man to have received every award ever given away.  He holds the most Oscars and Bowling League trophies than anyone else combined.

Maybe that's why I keep coming back.

Oh yeah and he likes to post pictures of naked cuties.

-John

Touched By An Angel

So Dr. Teeth was really horny the other day and acting upon it proved to be almost catastrophic.....



It all started so innocently.  I was on Yahoo Messenger when I got a friend request from a girl named Angel.  She started chatting me up telling all about how great Chicago is (she's from Australia).  She revealed that she's an underwear model, so thinking this was the start of a scam, I asked her to show me a picture.  She did and she was cute as hell.  She then turned on her camera and it was the same person.  So now I am less suspicious.  So far things are checking out.  Or so I thought.

I turned on my cam.  She started the sex talk and as all furry muppets are drawn to do, my pants were immediately around my ankles.  Wait I'm a muppet I don't wear pants.

She started to reveal her perky little young body and it was fucking amazing.  She then suggested we become Facebook friends so I could see her modeling photo's. I agreed, not even thinking about the fact no one has offered facebook friendship so fast.  I went to her facebook page and it was the same girl.  It was her modeling page.  She was really hot.

She then asked it we could get together and I said, "sure". If you drive over to me.  I am to fucking lazy and self absorbed to drive to the city even if it means getting fucked by a girl in her early 20's.

She then told me to email her boss and ask permission to see her so they know she'll be safe.

Here's how that scenario could have worked out.....

ME: I wanna take our your what I realize now is a prostitute.
BOSS: Ok I need $500 to ensure she is safe.
ME: ok here's $500. (Then we meet up and I chop her up anyway)

So I know the fix is in.  But I had forgotten the three minutes of I'll Show you Mine if You Show Me Yours.

I receive an email on where to send the money.
Let's catch up here.

She is in Chicago.
Her facebook is out of Australia.
She models for a London Agency
I had to send money to The Philipines.

This whole thing reeked of bullshit. So I told her she was a nasty hooker and I wasn't gonna pay $500.

Luckily this whole conversation was on Messenger so I could save the evidence.

She then pulled the move I never saw coming.  The move that could fuck up my whole world. If I really cared......

She showed me footage of me in a compromising position. She had recorded me and was now demanding $500 to not show the footage.

The facebook thing was so that she could access my friendlist, which I keep hidden, and once she had my friendlist she could threaten me with sending the footage to people I know.

Now honestly I don't want my family and friends to really see my furry muppet penis, but whatever. I don't care.  If she was gonna do it, she could do it even if I did send the $500.

So I decided to take the alternate route and tell her that I would find her and chop her up and no one would ever find the pieces.  I then suggested she take that threat to the police but reminded her that Phillipino Blackmailers have no jurisdiction in Chicago.

I was nervous for a few minutes.  But I knew this was bullshit. Fuck.

But what I learned is that you have to stop revealing yourself on cam no matter how sexy they look.

Doctor Teeth is going to stick to porn sites, one legged midget prostitutes and drugs.


But what an elaborate scheme that almost revealed my 9 inch muppet shlong.

Unretired: Summer 2014 Edition

People have been asking me, "where da fuck you been Teeth"?

Well I decided to retire for awhile and look at other aspects of my life but what I have discovered is you can't shut a muppet up.  At least not this muppet.  I am crazy and I have things to say and they will be said.  They may not be read but they will be said.

Fuck Immigration.
Fuck Iraq
Fuck the Tea Party
Fuck the Occupy Idiots
Fuck Polar Vortex's.
Fuck gas prices
Fuck food prices
Fuck the hot weather
and most of all FUCK YOU.

Do I have your attention now?  No? Does she have your attention....




Regardless soon I will have your attention again and we can attack all the insanity that is this fucking crazy world. We are all messed up so lets get on with it already...



I'm back and ready...... are you?????

Its A Fucked Up Life (The Real Its A Wonderful Life)

Every year at Christas time we get to watch the holiday classic, "It's A Wonderful Life" starring James Stewart, Donna Reed and Lionel Barrymore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJfZaT8ncYk

I used to love that movie, until recently I realized there was something very wrong with this movie and that is this movie lacks REVENGE.

The following text will attempt to describe and explain some scene's the way they should have played out, especially if the film was made today.

1. A young George realizes that Mr. Gower the Druggist has poisoned someone with a bad batch of drugs.  In the film George and Gower have a good cry after Gower slaps this shit out of George(more on that later).  Come on.  If I was George I would have either blackmailed Gower or would have dropped a dime on Gower and sent him to prison where he'd spend the rest of his days being some Mexican Gangs bitch in Oz.

2.  Upon hearing the accusation that he killed someone by being a drunk druggist, Gower proceeds to slap George repeatedly, especially in George's already damaged ear.  Come on  man!! George should have immediately called his sledding buddies and the lot of them should have come in at closing time, locked the door and beat the shit out of Mr. Gower until Gower either dies or agree's to leave town.  It seems obvious they didn't have 911 back in those days or else George could have had Gower arrested and to make sure the charges stuck he could have accused Gower of molestation.

3. In this "sue hungry" society we live in, after George's brother rides the shovel into the ice water, George's family should have sued the makers of the shovel, and the city of Bedford Falls, and won a lot of money in a cash settlement that in turn would have allowed Pa Baily to retire and not have to put up with Mr. Potter's bullshit.

4.  When George runs into Violet, instead of making an ass of himself about wanting to see the world he should have told her that was really an innuendo for wanted to take her home and stretching out her ass and shoving his dick inside.  She wanted to fuck, not hear about his travel plans.  And she was obviously an easy target and look at the guys she was hanging with (obviously Made Men, but more on them later.)

5.  When George and Mary are on the phone with Sam Wainright and they suddenly and passionately drop the phone to the ground, George had his in to rape Mary, but instead he kisses her and marries her.  Come on dude, another woman was aching for the Baily Boner and you act the Gentleman.

6. Mr. Potter!!! What can I say but that the fact this miserly cocksucker got to see old age is an amazing feat.  Polio didn't take his legs from him, but probably some other dude he pissed off who didn't go beg all his friends to bail him out, but instead call the right "friends" to help with his problem.  Mr. Potter did nothing but live to fuck up the Bailey's lives, and they did nothing but stew in it and whine.  Pa Bailey easily could have put a bomb in Potter's car and dealt with his problems. But instead left Potter alive for George to have to deal with.  And Potter does everything to ruin the town. Now if this were Charming California, the SOA would have come in and put a pool cue up Potter's ass.  But in Bedford Falls we just get stressed out and whine.  When Potter finally steals that $8, 000 the foolish drunk Uncle Billy leaves lying around, it was time to go to the Mafia, ya know Violet's friends.  They could have paid Potter a visit, gotten the $8, 000 back and made Uncle Billy disappear for being a fucking embarassement to the family, but no George gets all fucked up on Angel Dust and spends 20 minutes of movie time hanging out with some fag looking Irish Angel who wants to get his wings.  George should have asked the Angel to get God to fuck some people up, but no George see's that he is better off alive and runs home.  While he was away all his friends, who have jobs and aren't losers have been running around emptying out their bank accounts and cutting up their mattresses to get George $8, 000.  George is lucky to have so many people willing to not eat for a month to help him because his drunk Uncle couldn't hang on to $8, 000.  If George had only gotten the mafia to take care of things, everyone else in town wouldn't have gone broke to save George's dumb ass.

At the end of the movie Harry Bailey says, "to my brother George the richest man I know." This is true because in real life George would have scooped up the money and in the middle of the night would have picked up Violet and made a mad dash to Mexico to live out the rest of their days, because with the amount of money George got, well over $8,000, they'd have lived like King and Queen for the rest of their lives, which back then was only until about 60. 

The movie is sweet, but lacks realism, and revenge. I hope someone remakes this classic movie and does it right by fucking up the drunks, thieves, and idiots the way they should be.

The Christmas Blog

Doctor Teeth here again to bitch and moan about something....

CHRISTMAS!!!

Why can't they just nail this holiday to a cross and be done with it?  Oh I forgot in three days it'll just resurrect itself.

Non Muppets always ask me, "Why, Doctor Teeth, do you not like Christmas?"


Well it really is easy, and its not so simply stated being because I am a cranky scrooge.

I don't really believe in God or Jesus, so there is no religious connection for me.

I hate all the consumerism more than I can bare.  BUY ME! GIVE ME! YOU OWE ME!

And at the time of the year when everyone is supposedly supposed to be super happy and friendly they are exactly the opposite.  They are self centered, short sighted and short tempered.  They have one thing on their minds....their own holiday and their own needs. 

People drive like assholes and park wherever they fucking feel like.

Diners in restaurants tip like shit because they bankrupted themselves yet again to buy 50inch TV's and IPad's and Iphones all sorts of other shit that beings with the letter I.

How about the I don't give a fuck!!!!

And people with their fake smiles and incessant cheeriness.  Shut up already and go back to ignoring me.  Your fake sentiments do nothing to brighten my day. 

Its awful... Animal couldn't handle it and chose the easy way out.


Kermit has been missing and is believed dead......



But I will do what I do every year and sit back and watch CASINO, and smile quietly as I look to survive another holiday where I truly feel alone and less than worthy.

It truly is weird to stand in a room full of family and feel like a complete stranger.  To feel out of place.  To feel like I don't belong.  It is not their fault, it is my sense of self. Its my sense of self worth.  Its my own stinkin' thinkin'.....


You know, there is a real person behind Doctor Teeth, he is not the controversial muppet you have all been lead to believe he is.  There is a real person behind this mask and I think maybe its time that the real Doctor Teeth reveals himself....


My Christmas Gift to you all..........



And yes I am that damn sexy. 

Lady Gaga and the Muppets

Well Christmas is here again and I want to apologize for my appearance on Thanksgiving in the Muppet/Lady Gaga special.  It was disgusting, the chick has a cock and I almost relapsed on Robitussin.


I hate untalented and desperate whores like this one. Leave the birdcage on your head I say and don't ever sing another note.

I felt so dirty being on that special. I poured bleach all over myself and took a bath in lighter fluid.


Its amazing how the muppets were sold out to a woman who wears meat, dresses like a slut with Schizophrenia and actually performed songs in porn star attire.

Now, I am not the most moral muppet in the bunch but we were made as a kids program.

Jim Henson would never have allowed us to appear on tv or anywhere with this gross excuse for a human.

Look at how subdued we were in this promo shot. We had all taken a shit load of Thorazine.

And now Christmas is around the corner and I hear we are doing another Christmas special....


No conflict there. Kids should love them.

Next stop....MUPPET PORN.

Andy Did You Hear About This One.....

Back in 1984 my good friend Andy Kaufman decided he had enough of the limelight.  He had enough of the "Fonzi" role he was forced to play.  He had been outcast by his own Transcendental group of meditators.  Suddenly everything was going wrong and Andy wanted only to be one with himself and with the world.  Since he had fallen so out of sync, there was only one solution....

FAKE HIS OWN DEATH.

Now others have faked their own death like, Elvis, Tupac, Hitler and Jesus, but none of them did it with quite the dedication that Andy did.  Although Jesus did put on quite a show but its not fair because he had God's help with the special effects.

Andy just up and quit.  And sold his story of cancer, magic healing gone wrong and untimely death to the National Enquirer so that he could live comfortably for the rest of his life. 

Andy has used a number of disguises over the years to hide his identity....

Well it seems as if my good friend Andy is either looking to come out of hiding or is again pranking the country all while sitting at home no doubt wondering what the hell happened to SNL.

For those of us who know the truth there is very little we can or will say.  Hell I don't even know where Andy lives but I do know that he does live.....

For those of you who don't believe me I say....



 

 

 

 

BREAKING BAD: Gone Too Soon

With the end of Breaking Bad and the death of Walter White we closed the book on one of the greatest tv shows ever made.  The fever pitch that show hit during its run of final eight episodes rivals the ending of the Soprano's and also buried the latters final episode which faded to black leaving the viewer confused and irritated. 


Walter White was no Tony Soprano.  He started off as a meek man and died a evolved criminal who did what he did because he enjoyed it.  Tony started off bad and ending bad.  Tony was always breaking bad.



I guess I got what I deserve....

Walter White sure did get what he deserved but no before everyone else got what they deserve.  The finality of Breaking Bad won't have people on the IMDB message board discussing and arguing for years as to what happened to their beloved anti-hero.


A special love I had for you.....

Its funny, yet not surprising that we cheered and rooted for someone as ruthless as Walter, but in a day and age when the anti-hero is so common in tv and film (Dexter, Mackey, Soprano, Teller), we live vicariously through them and root that they win their crooked, immoral game.  Some of us even shed a tear when Walter died, not just because he was gone, but because one of the best television shows ever was over for good.  The finality or felina of it was too much to bare.



Did you really think I'd do you wrong......

Breaking Bad never let us down.  It never wasted a moment of screen time. It never left a character under-utilized or under-realized.  Everyone mattered in the Breaking Bad world and also did every moment.  Unlike the Sopranos which many times meandered and wasted time, Breaking Bad was tight from the moment the first scene began in season one all the way to its unbearably exciting conclusion.




I long argued that Walter White's ending was the least important to the series.  He was dead the moment the series began.  But it made his death no easier to handle.  The person who seemed most important was Jesse.  What would happen to Jesse? To broken to go straight, to straight to be so broken.  He had to big a heart and an even bigger conscious.  He wouldn't hurt anyone he couldn't see unless he was in a no win situation. And even then he couldn't get past his actions.



There was no way Jesse was going to shoot Walter in the end and that is one of Walt's greatest underestimation's in the entire series.

Actually between his gross underestimation of Jesse and the "convenient" shot to the gut he received, Breaking Bad revealed one of its very few "cheats".  I will always believe that the random shot was a bit contrived, because without being mortally wounded Walt would have been arrested.  And if the series ended with Walt arrested, we wouldn't have felt that sense of closure it gave us.

And had Walt not already been wounded, Jesse may indeed have killed him, although probably not. 


And although Journey's song, Don't Stop Believin' is a more popular song than Badfinger's, Baby Blue all I can say is that the latter has been playing on my Ipod over and over again ever since the night the final moments were broadcast over my television screen.

We never want anything great to end. And we certainly didn't want Walter White's story to end, although we always knew his life probably would.

I do believe this ending will now knock the Soprano's ending off the top of many lists of best ending to a television show ever.

Top 5 Celebrities Who Couldn't Outrun a Bullet

Here are 5 guys I thought were larger than life yet they couldn't outrun a bullet.  I guess money and power can't buy everything.

5. John Lennon-  I have always suspected he paid Chapman to kill him to get the fuck away from that whiny fucking gook Yoko.  What I would do just to shut her up.  I would let sharks eat me alive. I would certainly take a few bullets to the body....


4. Ronald Reagan- Hey if you didn't really wanna be president just tell someone.  Ya didn't have to go and get yourself shot to avoid doing your job.



3. Tony Soprano- Oh wait, he didn't get shot. Or did he?  Seems no one knows for sure because that asshole David Chase decided not to finish the last ten seconds of the series. That fucker.  Actually James Gandolfini couldn't outrun a box of doughnuts as it turns out.


2. Tupac-  Well I'm glad he didn't outrun the bullets. He sucked and so did his music.  Live like a thug, die like a thug.  You had fame, talent and power and yet you couldn't let the ghetto go.  Fuck you.



1. Kermit the Frog-  Became a male prostitute on Craigslist and got hooked on bath salts.  It seems like a sex deal went sour and Kermit paid for it with his life.  You stupid fucking frog.  But then again would you wanna fuck a pig your whole life?

Fuck You Robert DeNiro: A Letter to the Actor

Dear Mr. DeNiro-

Hi, I'm Doctor Teeth....from the Muppets.  I hope this day is finding you well.  I want to let you know that I am a huge fan of your work, at least I was, but I have one question to ask you...

What the fuck happened to you?

I understand that after years of being in amazing movies for very little pay, you decided to grab the paycheck by appearing in dreadful shit.  But couldn't you balance some good stuff with some of the crap?  I mean you don't make anything but pure shitty garbage now.  Have you lost your passion for acting?

Killing Season, Freelancers, Big Wedding, Last Vegas, The Family..... do I really need to go on?

What the fuck is that matter with you?  I hear that you are thinking about rebooting the Police Academy franchise and that you want to star as the robot in a reboot of Short Circuit.

You have turned into a laughable, untalented hack.  Why?  For awhile you released some crap and people forgave you, but now you are known as a guy who is ONLY in crap.  And when once your name meant something in a cast listing, it now means STAY AWAY!!!

Why?  Who is your agent and why aren't they dead?
Has Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Harvey Keitel and Martin Scorsese even tried to host an intervention?

I know you're 70, but its not too late to make at least two more great movies. Tell Marty you'll work for free in his next film.  Maybe consider a Sopranos. Breaking Bad, Dexter type TV series.  Who would have thought that Bryan Cranston would best you in the acting department.  He was the fucking dad on Malcolm in the Middle for fuck's sake.

Please Mr. DeNiro.......hope is not lost.

Thank You-

Doctor Teeth

PS: Happy Holidays

Short Movie Reviews

I have been crazily going to the movies lately and here are some of the ones I have seen and what I thought....

Insidious 2.......absolute piece of shit. Its a rip off of Poltergeist 2 and The Shining and doesn't even pretend not to be. Its not scary and its boring. And its confusing.  I can't believe this came from the same director that did THE CONJURING, a vastly superior film.

Prisoners...a great film that plays almost like a horror film. Imagine the horror of having your young daughter and her friend go missing.  What is a father to do but kidnap the retarded suspect and torture him to get answers. This was a great film that had a few unexpected twists along the way.

Captain Phillips.....Tom Hanks gives a competent performance as the Captain of a cargo ship that is taken hostage by a group of skinny assed Somalians, and possibly even one Starvin' Marvin from South Park. Great tension and drama made this an entertaining film.

Gravity......not nearly as good as everyone is saying and certainly not Oscar worthy, but still a very entertaining piece of art that takes place in space, a scary fucking place to run out of air.  Not enough Clooney and too much Bullock....never did think much of her.

Machete Kills.....please kill me rather than having to sit through another one of these boring flicks, although the promised third Machete Kills:In Space looks like it could be so bad its good. Its like a rip off of Moonraker and Empire Strikes Back if it starred a short, scarred faced Mexican.

Carrie (2013).....totally unnecessary remake that is boring, and misses the point so nicely made in the book and in the original film. Chloe Moretz gives her first bad performance as she overplays Carrie and starts flying around the gymnasium with her special powers. It was ridiculous.

An Ode to Black Stretch Pants

They were made for girls to wear, but they were created for men to enjoy.  BLACK STRETCH PANTS!!!!

I mean, come on, they are so tight fitting that you can see every curve of a woman's thigh, the roundness of her butt and the shape of her vagina.  Its not my fault; I didn't create them, but I will enjoy them.

Whether they be cotton, vinyl or some other amazing space age fabric, I don't care.

Here are some examples...





I love them, and the color black makes them uber sexy. Me love long time.

And of course Cat Woman makes them even sexier.




I want to give praise and thanks to the Black Stretch Pants and stretch pants in general. They make being a man a whole lot more fun.



Unfortunately these pants sometimes have the opposite effect.