Fuck You Robert DeNiro: A Letter to the Actor

Dear Mr. DeNiro-

Hi, I'm Doctor Teeth....from the Muppets.  I hope this day is finding you well.  I want to let you know that I am a huge fan of your work, at least I was, but I have one question to ask you...

What the fuck happened to you?

I understand that after years of being in amazing movies for very little pay, you decided to grab the paycheck by appearing in dreadful shit.  But couldn't you balance some good stuff with some of the crap?  I mean you don't make anything but pure shitty garbage now.  Have you lost your passion for acting?

Killing Season, Freelancers, Big Wedding, Last Vegas, The Family..... do I really need to go on?

What the fuck is that matter with you?  I hear that you are thinking about rebooting the Police Academy franchise and that you want to star as the robot in a reboot of Short Circuit.

You have turned into a laughable, untalented hack.  Why?  For awhile you released some crap and people forgave you, but now you are known as a guy who is ONLY in crap.  And when once your name meant something in a cast listing, it now means STAY AWAY!!!

Why?  Who is your agent and why aren't they dead?
Has Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Harvey Keitel and Martin Scorsese even tried to host an intervention?

I know you're 70, but its not too late to make at least two more great movies. Tell Marty you'll work for free in his next film.  Maybe consider a Sopranos. Breaking Bad, Dexter type TV series.  Who would have thought that Bryan Cranston would best you in the acting department.  He was the fucking dad on Malcolm in the Middle for fuck's sake.

Please Mr. DeNiro.......hope is not lost.

Thank You-

Doctor Teeth

PS: Happy Holidays

Short Movie Reviews

I have been crazily going to the movies lately and here are some of the ones I have seen and what I thought....

Insidious 2.......absolute piece of shit. Its a rip off of Poltergeist 2 and The Shining and doesn't even pretend not to be. Its not scary and its boring. And its confusing.  I can't believe this came from the same director that did THE CONJURING, a vastly superior film.

Prisoners...a great film that plays almost like a horror film. Imagine the horror of having your young daughter and her friend go missing.  What is a father to do but kidnap the retarded suspect and torture him to get answers. This was a great film that had a few unexpected twists along the way.

Captain Phillips.....Tom Hanks gives a competent performance as the Captain of a cargo ship that is taken hostage by a group of skinny assed Somalians, and possibly even one Starvin' Marvin from South Park. Great tension and drama made this an entertaining film.

Gravity......not nearly as good as everyone is saying and certainly not Oscar worthy, but still a very entertaining piece of art that takes place in space, a scary fucking place to run out of air.  Not enough Clooney and too much Bullock....never did think much of her.

Machete Kills.....please kill me rather than having to sit through another one of these boring flicks, although the promised third Machete Kills:In Space looks like it could be so bad its good. Its like a rip off of Moonraker and Empire Strikes Back if it starred a short, scarred faced Mexican.

Carrie (2013).....totally unnecessary remake that is boring, and misses the point so nicely made in the book and in the original film. Chloe Moretz gives her first bad performance as she overplays Carrie and starts flying around the gymnasium with her special powers. It was ridiculous.

An Ode to Black Stretch Pants

They were made for girls to wear, but they were created for men to enjoy.  BLACK STRETCH PANTS!!!!

I mean, come on, they are so tight fitting that you can see every curve of a woman's thigh, the roundness of her butt and the shape of her vagina.  Its not my fault; I didn't create them, but I will enjoy them.

Whether they be cotton, vinyl or some other amazing space age fabric, I don't care.

Here are some examples...





I love them, and the color black makes them uber sexy. Me love long time.

And of course Cat Woman makes them even sexier.




I want to give praise and thanks to the Black Stretch Pants and stretch pants in general. They make being a man a whole lot more fun.



Unfortunately these pants sometimes have the opposite effect.

The Long Goodbye

Things are rapidly changing for these Muppet.  I am no longer using Crystal Meth; I said I would only use it until Breaking Bad went off the air, or until I died.  Well Breaking Bad is gone, and what a fucking amazing ending it was.

I mean I thought of that machine gun idea years ago when I was fired from the Muppet Show for indecent exposure and well......a rape charge for which I was acquitted when the witness turned up dead.

If Walt hadn't of been randomly shot by his own invention then he certainly would have been arrested, in some ways a more honest ending to the show.  But hey, it was a hell of a way to go.

I also had it reconfirmed that sugar substitute will kill you...right Lydia?


Anyway, I haven't had much to write about. I thought about doing a story about boobs, but decided to just add this picture instead...


Google really has some amazing tits. I must admit.

This is my sister.  She is such a friendly girl. 


So anyway, you've gotten used to nudity, and disgusting thoughts and behavior, but I think it might be time to do something different.  Maybe a blog about Obamacare...


Seems like I've got boobs on my mind....

Well its time to sign off then until I have something to say besides posting titty shots.

Its starting to wear thin.  And get so boring....

Enjoy the boobs.....


Be back soon?

Collecting Cat Life Insurance.

So Doctor Teeth here....

I had a knock on my door this morning.  It was the police.  They wanted to bring me in for questioning because so many cats have gotten sick or died under my care. They think I may be poisoning them in order to get the insurance money.

I told them repeatedly that the cats have no life insurance.  And since we live in America, they have no insurance at all.

I asked them if Obama Care covered veterinary expenses, but they didn't know. What the fuck do the police know anyway?

I asked them if they had anything better to do than harass a muppet with a horrible bath salt addiction when 13 people were shot in one fell swoop in Chicago last night.  They said that Rahm Emanuel had it covered by giving a speech with big words in it.

I told them they should drop a fucking bucket of chicken in the middle of ground zero and maybe the shooting will stop.  They didn't like my racist joke, but I don't like gangbangers using innocent people as target practice.

Maybe if they stopped holding the gun sideways, they'd hit their intended target, but they're too fucking stupid. If they hold the gun the correct way then they aren't emulating their favorite rap stars. Do you think 50 Cent would hold the gun correctly?  No fucking way. Don't be so fucking stupid.

Maybe there are black cats coming into my apartment and harming my cats.

I'm sure of it.

Anyway I ranted so long to the police, they forgot to arrest me and left without incident.


How cute that the little boy is learning to hold a gun, but he's holding it all wrong.  Its not sideways. If he keeps that up he'll end up hitting his intended target.  His uncle on the right is doing it right.


A for effort.....

Ashes Gets Sick:My Plea

Watching your cat get sick is awful. The worry about his life, his health and his possible death is a lot to handle. And if you're financially walking a tight-rope that adds to the stress and pressure.

Ashes has blood in his urine and appears to have a bladder infection. He went to the vet and is on antibiotics.  He should be fine, although at 13 years old this is part of being old.

But I am writing this because I had a cat die last year then seven months later another cat died, and now 6 months after that I have a very sick cat.

I expected Ashes to die before Zoe and Daniel, but it was not meant to be that way, but now Ashes is sick so what the hell is going on?!!!!

I am worried, enraged and sick.  I am resentful, tired, and lost. I am doing the equation of how much money I am willing to or can spend on Ashes before I am faced with throwing in the towel.  But first things first. If he bounces back, then no worries.....for now.

I am really traumatized by Daniels death still and having to suck urine through a syringe out of a litter box, force feed medication and stare at the litter box again to make sure Ashes is peeing is bringing back dreadful and painful memories.

Once again the litter box is in the bedroom next to the bed so I can see and hear every time Ashes goes to the bathroom. (With two cats its hard to tell who is doing what)

If I could just get a bit of a break from having to deal with cat medical issues I would be so grateful.

Please, just leave me alone for awhile.

My First Gay Experience

It has taken years for me to get up the nerve to write about my first gay experience.....

It was the summer of 2004 and I was living alone in Van Nuys when......






GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!  You suckers!!!