Tom Cruise Goes On Vacation

BREAKING NEWS:  Tom Cruise was photographed leaving for vacation after spending time with daughter Suri.


Tom felt the need to get away after the collapse of his marriage with Katie Holmes.  Tom and his team are still investigating what went wrong with the marriage, which seemed to be fine until Katie unexpectedly filed for divorce.


This photo shows Katie during the marriage.  Tom and his team couldn't put her back together again and she regained control over her own brain.

Not to worry because Tom and his team of Scientologists are busy working on Tom's new Wife.



This is the suit that Tom and Katie had to wear when making love.  This is Scientology rule #256

There must also be an R2D2 looking chaperone in the room in case Tom malfunctions and tries to go GAY!!!!

Gay Porn Star and Sting look alike, Allen Wrench could not be reached for comment....

Suri Cruise Speaks to Planet Earth

 

People of Planet Earth I am SURI CRUISE....

I am leaving soon and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The Universe grows smaller every day -- and the threat of aggression by any group -- anywhere -- can no longer be tolerated.

There must be security for all -- or no one is secure... This does not mean giving up any freedom except the freedom to act irresponsibly.
...
Your ancestors knew this when they made laws to govern themselves -- and hired policemen to enforce them.

We of the other planets have long accepted this principle. We have an organization for the mutual protection of all planets -- and for the complete elimination of aggression. A sort of United Nations on the Planetary level... The test of any such higher authority, of course, is the police force that supports it. For our policemen, we created a race of robots-- Their function is to patrol the planets -- in space ships like this one -- and preserve the peace. In matters of aggression we have given them absolute power over us.

At the first sign of violence they act automatically against the aggressor. And the penalty for provoking their action is too terrible to risk.

The result is that we live in peace, without arms or armies, secure in the knowledge that we are free from aggression and war -- free to pursue more profitable enterprises. We do not pretend to have achieved perfection -- but we do have a system -- and it works.

I came here to give you the facts. It is no concern of ours how you run your own planet -- but if you threaten to extend your violence, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned- out cinder.

Your choice is simple. Join us and live in peace. Or pursue your present course -- and face obliteration. We will be waiting for your answer. decision rests with you.

A Tribute to Michael Jackson

Heal the world.  Make it a better place.  For you and for me and the entire Human race. There are faces melting if you care enough for the faces.  Get a better plastic surgeon for you and me.

Condolences

So today is the 38th.  Just keep getting older and probably not much wiser.  But at least I don't look like this 38 year old.

Although I did smoke some great Opium with this guy once at a Grateful Dead show.

Birthdays serve to remind me of where I am in life. Its like Mapquest.  I am standing HERE.

We define our self worth by how many people acknowledge our birthdays and prop up our ego's by saying, "Happy Birthday. Hope its a great day."  Sometimes those sentiments sound equally as empty as, "My condolences" when someone dies.  And what the fuck does "my condolences" mean?  Its not like we have a cupboard full of condolences that we give away each time someone dies.

I usually like to giftwrap my condolences and include a gift receipt in case the condolence is the wrong size or color.  I go to the department store and ask the sales clerk, "Where are your condolences?" They must be somewhere between the greeting cards and the Clearance Bin.

Condolences sound like little desserts.  "Over here on the table we have some cannoli, butter cookies, and oh you just have to try my condolences.  They are amazing!"

Just for a laugh when I introduce my children I like to say, "These are my condolences."

If we really wanna fuck with someone's head on their birthday, tell 'em, "Happy birthday you have my condolences."

What if they say, "I offer you my condolences." You look around the room and say, "I got more condolences than I can carry right now. I'm gonna need a U-haul to get these fucking condolences back to the house."

And what if I don't want their condolences? What if you have too many condolences?  What the fuck am I gonna do with all these condolences?  I got enough mouths to feed already.  I got no more room in the closet. 

Then someone walks up to you and says, "I'd offer you my condolences but my wife got them in the divorce.  I'm just a little short right now, but I swear I'll get you next week."

And then your girlfriend walks up to you and says, "You have my condolences." Oh fuck I'm really in trouble now, but then you realize, "No I don't have your condolences I took penicillin."

The jokes on you. I give you your condolences back.  I don't want 'em. 

So what did I get for my birthday this year?  Condolences. 

Anti Abortion Photo's: A tribute to Midgets

The following are photo's the protestors should be carrying around......


Actually this is a photo from a Beach Boys Cover Band I was in back in 1988. I am the dude with the hair.



As the Beatles once said, "I just got Norweigan Wood..in my pants."


This is just fucked up. But the Anti Abortionists would get our attention.

Imagine if he'd have been aborted. He wouldn't be taking this awesome photo.



If she had been aborted she wouldn't be able to hang onto this PENCIL like she is.


Cuato from Total Recall could be the poster child for botched abortions.


All I am trying to say is that there are plenty of other photo's the Anti Abortion Protesters could use in their fight to make sure people like this are born.



And of course....


Punky Brewster!!!!!

Illinois Nazi's and Anti Abortion Protests

If there is one thing I hate more than Illinois Nazi's its the Anti Abortion protesters littering Cass Ave and Ogden Ave in Westmont today.  They are everywhere with all of their sickening large photo's of aborted babies.  Just take a look...

I don't mind the protesting but those fucking pictures are obscene even if they are true.  If I stood on the corner and held up a large photo like this one.........







I'd be arrested.  And I ask you which is worse visually, not theoretically.

Dr. Teeth Loses His Wisdom Teeth and His Self Respect

So a co-worker of mine is going under the knife to get his wisdom teeth pulled today and last night I had my first flashback.  I woke up sweaty and thinking I was in some Vietnamese Prison Camp with Abe Vigoda from The Barney Miller Show....


I couldn't shake the memory of those awful moments when I got my wisdom teeth pulled.

It was a hot summer day in 1999 and I was already reeling from two Xanax and the Valium the Vietnamese Dentist gave me. I was blindfolded and led into the operating room.


I had my headphones on and was listening to the Grateful Dead as I drifted off...

About two hours into the procedure I woke up!!!!  I vaguely remember the dentist asking me if I was all right. I looked over and saw what appeared to be a very sexy asian assistant.


She asked me, "Evwy-ting ok GI?"

I shook my head no. I could feel it in my bladder.  I had to pee and I had to pee now.  So the dentist and his assistant both took an arm and with the IV still hooked up they carried me down the hallway.  There was one slight problem.  The way the office was set up; the bathroom was outside the office.  So they led me into the janitor room.  There was a mop, a bucket and a sink coming out of the floor.

So this is how I was going to die.

I was in and out of consciousness.  But I regained it long enough to feel someone's hands on my beltbuckle and zipper. God I hoped it was the gorgeous assistant.


But I suddenly realized it was the Dentist HIMSELF!

I was almost to drugged to