Dancing With The Tards:Celebrity Edition

Ok so before you get all up in arms, remember I make fun of everyone, including myself.  If you can't handle that then fuck off, don't read this and put your head in a fucking hole.

So there is a new show coming to NBC called Dancin' With The Tards in which a group of famous retarded people compete in dancing competitions with only one being crowned the winner.

This season's list of Tards includes....

1. Todd Bridges, the last living Stroke.
2. Sarah Palin, who reads all the uhm, stories written on paper.
3. Corky from Life Goes On
4. Gary The Retard
5. Beetlejuice
6. George W. Bush
7. Lindsey Lohan
8. John K.
9. The Cast of Facebook.
10. A chicken


There will be Square Dancing, Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, Break Dancing and Dancing with Animals.

So come watch this amazing new show on Saturday Nights this summer on NBC....be there.

The Cookie Sheet

As far as muppets go, I am a bad dater.  I get attached like velcro and then the deal goes south.  The woman flee's, sometimes presses charges and I am alone again searching for love.

Recently I was in another short fiasco with an adorable woman who got cold feet, or her meds wore off and she did a 180.

Not the first, not the last.

I was cleaning my place the other day and I noticed the COOKIE SHEETS.  Oh shit she had left her cookie sheets.  I flashed back to that wonderful New Years Day date when we made dinner and cookies and then watched a shitty movie before ravaging each others bodies. 

Now, after the deal went south, I was staring at her fucking cookie sheets. I thought I might put them at the bottom of my cat's litter box and make shit cookies.  I thought I might toss them out the window.  I thought I might bend them in half.

But no, I texted her and with my ego up my ass....

 I wrote, "I have your cookie sheets."
She wrote, "Oh yeah.."
LONG PAUSE..
I wrote, "So what do you wanna do about it?"
She wrote, "I don't know. What do you wanna do?"

Give me a fucking break! DO YOU WANT YOUR FUCKING COOKIE SHEETS!?!?!?!

I wrote, "Well I got them here if you want them."
She wrote, "I want them."
I wrote, "So what do you wanna come get them?"
She wrote, "I guess. Where?"

I thought to myself, annoyed at best, the fucking COOKIE SHEETS were in my apartment so WHERE was fucking HERE!!!

I wrote, "Here, where they sit. "

I was damned if I was going to come bring them to her or meet in some public place for the exchange. They were hers, she should have taken them with her, but she didn't, so now we had to deal with this bullshit over fucking cookie sheets.

She wrote, "Ok, I'll get back to you and let you know..."

So how long do I wait before I take those fucking cookie sheets and bury them in the Las Vegas desert.

Fucking COOKIE SHEETS.

Bin Laden: To Torture or Not to Torture

I recently saw Zero Dark 30 and am aware of the controversey surrounding the torture scenes in the movie.  What I saw was barely torture.

"I am not your friend. I am not going to help you.  I am going to break you."

Personally water boarding looks tame to me.  I'd do piss boarding.  Unzip, piss, swallow, repeat.

I'd stick maggots up their nose.
I'd make them watch THATS MY BOY over and over.

Whatever it took to find and kill Bin Laden.

But here is where the CIA, and the military failed.  They should have captured Bin Laden and then held him captive in a cell in some other country.

They should have put a camera in his cell and started a cable channel with 24 hour coverage.

I am a nasty fucking muppet, but I would have sewn his asshole shut and fed him oatmeal!

I would have put him in a vacant building and flew an airplane into it.

I would have flew him in an airplane and then had the pilot eject while Bin Laden was unaware.  Then watch the plane crash into a field.

This would have all been great Television.

But we snuck in, shot him once or twice and then secretly buried him at sea.

Whatever.  At least he's dead.....

or is he?

Death of a Friend: Jim

The text read, "Jim T**l died today."

I was stunned, and after a week of stress and anxiety it was the excuse I needed to start crying all over myself.

Jim was gone.  Jim is gone. 

The finality of it rivals even the hardest of cements. 
The blow to my heart, rivals the biggest heart breaks.

I hadn't been in touch with Jim during most of his cancer battle, and got updates through his brother Rob, but Jim was and is a good friend with a heart of gold.

He was an overweight, Hippie-type Dead Head, who loved his Ganj, and having a good time.

The cancer had robbed him of his robust look, and took from us a great soul.

During a viewing of The Grateful Dead Movie, I ran into his brother Rob who gave me Jim's number and told me to call him.  He said Jim would be excited to hear from me.

I tucked the number into my contact list and forgot about it.  But the times I did remember I was afraid of making that call; resisting acknowledging Jim's cancer.  I was afraid to talk about it.

In my mind, Jim would beat cancer and live to tell the tale of his struggle and to show off his weight loss.
In my mind, ignoring it would make it go away.

But the problem didn't go away.....Jim did.

In 40 short years, Jim lived and Jim died. 

His death takes me back to the death of Kelly Hayes, gone at 19.
His death forces me to acknowledge mortality.
His death makes me hurt.
His death makes me cry.
His death makes me angry.

His death has made the world a quieter, and less amusing place.
And his death dims the light in my soul just a tiny bit more.


I am sorry Jim.  I am sorry you had to suffer.  I am sorry you had to die.  I am sorry you are not here anymore, and I'm sorry I never called.

But the day after he passed I did call.  I nervously listened to his phone ring; expecting for it to go directly to voice mail, but it didn't.

I heard him speak his final words to me, "This is Jim, leave a message."

Oh Jim, there isn't enough room for the message I wanna leave you now. 

How The Taliban Won

So Bin Laden planned to have 19 Hi-jackers board airplanes and fly them into the WTC, Pentagon, and The White House.  The plan succeeded save for the White House when Flight 93 was crashed, by the passengers in a revolt*.  There are many who refute that, and say the flight was shot down.

Bush promised, "We can't let the terrorists win.", but in the 11 years since, they have won way more than Bin Laden could ever have planned or imagined.

Since 911, we have gotten into at least 3 wars which have killed scores of Americans as well as cost us so much money, we'll never recoup the loss.

The Patriot Act was created which gave the goverment powers unpresedented.  They can now spy on what we seach for on computers, and what we rent and borrow at libraries from books, to magazines to movies.

In the beginning we duct taped our windows, bought gas masks, and feared flying.  To this day, many people are wary of flying.  We now have Air Marshalls on every flight.

People are on constant edge when in flight.

At the airports, we are getting searched, our shoes taken off and body scans happening which are resulting in anger, rage and controversey into how far those in charge can go and when our rights are being violated.

Obama took office and continued to involve us in Middle Eastern issues.
He never closed Guantanamo.
And he didn't even think to touch or change or retract the Patriot Act.

Our rights and way have life have changed.  Our lives are subject to invasive searches and fear.

In some ways the lucky people died on 911, not having to bare witness to what this country has become, or how our freedoms have eroded and continue to erode.

We killed Bin Laden....so what.  Their hold on us is firm and never-ending.

Bin Laden won alot more than he ever conceived on 911.

And since then we have put a greater and bigger target on our backs.

So 911 as shocking, but the extent of the victory is still revealing itself.

Its my sad perspective and my sad reality on the situation.

The Bible: The Lord of Twilight Unchained

They should take the Bible and turn it into 5 teeny bopper movies ala Twilight.
Or Peter Jackson should turn it into a 70 hour, 20 part movie that will be in 3D and at 68 fps.
Or maybe Quentin Tarantino could turn it into a Biblical Blaxploitation film with a heavy Soul and Funk Soundtrack and Sam Jackson as Moses who calls everyone Niggar.

Quentin Tarantino could make an amazing Bible Movie. 

 

We are in 2013 and the saga of Gay Marriage continues to take up space in our mind and news.  If your pro-gay, your labeled a liberal.  If you are anti-gay, you're a moron.

 

Why do you care who people sleep with or couple up with or marry?

 

No one can ever prove that God exists, Jesus existed, or that the Bible is authentic. 

 

So stop basing your lives and ruining others based on a book. 

 

And go fuck yourself.

The Man Who Wasn't There

We live in a world where people hurt and murder children.

We feel such tragic and traumatic loss yet we have no one to reach out to.
No God would ever allow such violence and human suffering.
God is a coward hiding behind magic tricks and lies.

He does not lead us, nay he laughs.  He sits there never for a moment earning his role; his voice; his following.

He gave his only son!!  Well how many countless parents have had to do the same thing?  What makes God's sacrifice so special.

Jesus didn't suffer the destruction of Cancer, or the multiple bullet holes of crazed mass murderers.

What makes God so special.  What makes Jesus so special.

Nothing.

When every parent who has lost a child cries until the tears won't come anymore; God will still hide behind his curtain asking you to have faith.

Faith in what you fucking coward?  Faith in what?

You are an absentee landlord.  You are the estranged parent.  You are the man who wasn't there.

You're an illusion and I don't fall for your fucking tricks.

Go mop up the blood of a dozen small children.  Show yourself.  Earn it.

Or stay behind your curtain like a coward.