NA, Friends and Me

Before ever beginning my journey of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous I used to simply think that people all sat in a room, drank coffee, smoked cigarettes and talked about being addicts.  I never thought it any further, and certainly didn't think that the people in these rooms would become friends, or that friendship would be a part of it in any way.  I guess naivety and my definition of anonymous drew me to the conclusion that you go to a meeting and then go back to your own world.

When I started attending meetings I quickly found that to be wrong. The rooms are full of people who know each other and care for each other.  There are friendships and bonds formed and I realized it helped build the foundation of recovery.

But of course I have to complicate everything.......

What I have seen in these meetings is genuine care and concern shared between members, but I also have seen drama and dysfunction and incestuous behavior.  I guess expecting functionality for dysfunctional people is asking a bit much and I am trying to have compassion for dysfunctional people reaching for functionality, but sometimes those "friends" and "cliques" seem to be less about recovery and more about socializing.

I go to meetings to recover. I don't go to find friends or potential fuck-mates, yet it seems like everyone in the some rooms fuck each other and get involved in each others business is negative ways.

So I am stuck between trying to be friendly with other members but not friends, although the lack of friendships makes me sort of an outsider, and makes "fellowshipping" a bit tricky.  There are plenty of sweet, kind and caring people in many of the rooms, but I still find myself resistant to get involved with them on any level except recovery.

I also am closer to 40 while many of the addicts I am surrounded by are in their early 20's.  The ones who are closer in my age are also not really involved in the friendship aspect of the group, but more in the recovery aspect.

Why am I writing about this?  Because I am tired of being torn between just attending meetings with these people and feeling like I have to be friends with these people when I only share one thing in common and that is the disease of addiction.

The one time I took that leap of faith to involve myself with someone who shared many interests I shared bit me in the ass so hard I have scars.

The second time I attempted to befriend someone older than me and he turned into a judgemental asshole.

So I guess I am of the belief that I just need to go to meetings, be friendly with the people in the rooms, but then go back to my life.

I don't need to to hang out with them. I don't need to be facebook friends with them, and I certainly don't need to go have "taco's" with them.

But realizing this is only a part of the answer, I need to embrace it and accept it which is something I am struggling with.  I need to just accept that I feel this way and move on.

But moving on was never one of my strengths.