Collecting Cat Life Insurance.

So Doctor Teeth here....

I had a knock on my door this morning.  It was the police.  They wanted to bring me in for questioning because so many cats have gotten sick or died under my care. They think I may be poisoning them in order to get the insurance money.

I told them repeatedly that the cats have no life insurance.  And since we live in America, they have no insurance at all.

I asked them if Obama Care covered veterinary expenses, but they didn't know. What the fuck do the police know anyway?

I asked them if they had anything better to do than harass a muppet with a horrible bath salt addiction when 13 people were shot in one fell swoop in Chicago last night.  They said that Rahm Emanuel had it covered by giving a speech with big words in it.

I told them they should drop a fucking bucket of chicken in the middle of ground zero and maybe the shooting will stop.  They didn't like my racist joke, but I don't like gangbangers using innocent people as target practice.

Maybe if they stopped holding the gun sideways, they'd hit their intended target, but they're too fucking stupid. If they hold the gun the correct way then they aren't emulating their favorite rap stars. Do you think 50 Cent would hold the gun correctly?  No fucking way. Don't be so fucking stupid.

Maybe there are black cats coming into my apartment and harming my cats.

I'm sure of it.

Anyway I ranted so long to the police, they forgot to arrest me and left without incident.


How cute that the little boy is learning to hold a gun, but he's holding it all wrong.  Its not sideways. If he keeps that up he'll end up hitting his intended target.  His uncle on the right is doing it right.


A for effort.....

Ashes Gets Sick:My Plea

Watching your cat get sick is awful. The worry about his life, his health and his possible death is a lot to handle. And if you're financially walking a tight-rope that adds to the stress and pressure.

Ashes has blood in his urine and appears to have a bladder infection. He went to the vet and is on antibiotics.  He should be fine, although at 13 years old this is part of being old.

But I am writing this because I had a cat die last year then seven months later another cat died, and now 6 months after that I have a very sick cat.

I expected Ashes to die before Zoe and Daniel, but it was not meant to be that way, but now Ashes is sick so what the hell is going on?!!!!

I am worried, enraged and sick.  I am resentful, tired, and lost. I am doing the equation of how much money I am willing to or can spend on Ashes before I am faced with throwing in the towel.  But first things first. If he bounces back, then no worries.....for now.

I am really traumatized by Daniels death still and having to suck urine through a syringe out of a litter box, force feed medication and stare at the litter box again to make sure Ashes is peeing is bringing back dreadful and painful memories.

Once again the litter box is in the bedroom next to the bed so I can see and hear every time Ashes goes to the bathroom. (With two cats its hard to tell who is doing what)

If I could just get a bit of a break from having to deal with cat medical issues I would be so grateful.

Please, just leave me alone for awhile.

My First Gay Experience

It has taken years for me to get up the nerve to write about my first gay experience.....

It was the summer of 2004 and I was living alone in Van Nuys when......






GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!  You suckers!!!

Celebrities Under the Age of 21 I'd Like to Fuck

1. Dakota Fanning- This chick has turned into a fucking hot little blonde with a nice tight little ass and a fresh, I haven't been fucked face. She is 19 and ready to fucking par-tay!!!!!!!!


2. Miley Cyrus- Ever since the 2013 AMA's this crazy broad got even crazier and I bet she would take it up the ass after three lines of cocaine.  She also probably snorts bath salts and smoke Spice, so she wouldn't remember a thing.  Damn she is fucking fine.



3. Chloë Grace Moretz - Ever since hearing her say the word CUNT and seeing her wear a school girls outfit in KICK ASS, I wanted to make this bitch my sex slave. I, unfortunately have to wait a year since the age of consent in Illinois is 17, unless I take her to Canada or some shit.  She just has this look like, "Please fuck me Dr. Teeth, I'm so hot."


4. Abigail Breslin- Ever since I watched her refuse to drink water in SIGNS and then take on zombies in ZOMBIELAND I knew this young hottie had to be added to my list of under 21 celebrities I'd love to fuck. She is tight, hot and ready to party.  She looks like a young Linda Lovelace.



5.  Elle Fanning- Damn, I get two take on two Fannings at once.  Dakota and Elle, meet my muppet penis.  Let's do this. Or wait, maybe we need to go to Canada to do this since the age of consent is like 14 or some low shit.



I'm sure as time goes on this list will grow longer and harder and throbbing....AHEM...sorry about that, but as long as Hollywood keeps sexualizing these young hotties, I will be there to dream about them.

Its not illegal to fantasize and hell these girls are all at least 16 so where is the crime?! Where is the crime I ask you!!!!



***My attorney advised me to write THIS IS A PARODY here in case people don't get it. I saw fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.***

Miley Cyrus Cuntroversey

Everyone is chatting up the internet about Miley Cyrus's LSD crazed semi-porno performance on MTV's AMA's.  I didn't even know MTV associated itself with music anymore.

Her performance supposedly disgusted everyone, but lets face it, no one was disgusted, they just needed something to talk about. American Boredom.

Monday morning came and everyone was comparing this 20 yr old whore to Lady Gaga's whorish look and act also.  Both girls, although I am not sure Gaga is a woman, both took the stage looking like they left the set of a porn shoot although at least Miley put clothes back on while Gaga continued to strut around naked.

This is what music has come to.

People are saying this will hurt Miley's career, but lets be realistic, this will help her career and maybe she can stop trying to convince us she is no longer Hannah Montana.


The fact is this is what makes careers. And just wait it'll be a year or two more before there is footage on the internet of Miley sucking a huge cock or masturbating.

All of these girls are pathetic.  Music in general is pathetic.

Black rappers all fighting in made up fights.
Female singers all trying to out-whore each other.
Justin Beiber who looks like a butch lesbian who smokes weed, races cars, fucks monkeys and is just a pathetic loser.

And then there are all the others who just make plain old boring pop, studio created music that all sounds like the same bubble gum crap.

Miley did a great thing and people will be downloading her music, and she will be interviewed endlessly and she will make a lot more magazine covers.

But after you've shocked people the only thing left is to make good music or make hardcore porn.

I am voting for a hardcore porn XXX video.

Cum On Miley.....

POF ADVICE: Dating Online

Ok so I am on this really lame fucking dating site called Plenty of Fish and I see a lot of common mistakes made by women in their profiles so I thought I'd offer some advice and tips for them.

1. BOOBS- If your pictures feature you showing a major amount of cleavage or half naked then don't write in your profile that you are not looking for a FWB, or one night stand, etc., keep your boobs in your shirt if you want to be taken seriously and not just contacted for sex.

2. STAY IN/GO OUT-  So many profiles say, "I like to get dressed up and go out, but I also like to wear sweats and stay in.." Well, who the fuck doesn't. That comment is so redundant. 

3. DRAMA- Why do you feel the need to tell everyone you are not looking for drama. I mean, who the fuck is looking for drama?  Do we really not already know that you are not looking for drama?  If you were looking for drama you would right that in your profile so it's assumed your not.

4. BEST FRIEND- Don't post pictures of you posing with your friends who are much hotter than you. It just makes men want to know who "that" person is rather than you.

5. GUY PICS- Why post pictures of you with other guys?  Even if you say this is your Bestie or your BFF or your cousin, it still sends the message that you may have posted a photo of you with your boyfriend. It doesn't help your cause that your posing with other guys. Do you wanna see guy pics with them posing with other women?

6. KIDS- Don't put your fucking kids out on a dating website. Come on! Get a clue.  Protect their privacy.  And if you don't have kids, pics of you posing with your nieces and nephews just makes you seem desperate.

7. WEIGHT- If you are overweight, fat, or obese, the man is gonna find out at some point, so don't just post photo's of extreme close-ups of your face. And don't say your body type is average or a few extra pounds when it is clear that you are morbidly obese. Own up to who you are and what you look like. It shows more character and class.

8.  FIRST CONTACT- Its ok ladies to contact a guy first. We don't bite, unless you want us too. It is the 21st Century. Get over it.

9.  FIRST DATE- I hate when women write, "You plan, I show." That's just arrogant and rude.  And I also don't like that so many people wanna drink alcohol on their first date.  Let's not rely on alcohol to make us comfortable and remember too much alcohol makes us easy.

10. ENDLESS EMAILS- Seriously if your looking for a pen pal there are plenty of inmates that would love to write letters back and forth.  And if you are just looking for friends, join a club not a dating website.  At some point you need to move off the site and into the real world.

11. SEX- I realize many women pretend they are looking for a relationship to vet out all the emails they get from men's penis's, when they really just want to get laid. Hey its ok, we all wanna have sex. But just remember that when you fuck a guy within the first hour of meeting that most likely the guy will never wanna date you because he knows you're a whore and you probably can't be trusted. That's the trap.  Guys want you to be a whore, but once you are they will use it against you. 

12 THE PROCESS- Twenty emails, five phone calls, a coffee date just to see if you click and wanna go out on a date seems like a lot of effort and wasted time. Just get on the phone, then use the coffee as the date and decide.  But this whole fucking process feels like a Scavenger Hunt.  Just grow a pair and meet someone in a public place and figure it out.

13. PICS- Why would you even post a picture that is more than two years old? Your pictures need to be of what you look like right now. The person I am meeting is today not two years ago or longer. If you're forty I don't care what you looked like at 20 because you don't look like that now. And I don't expect you oo.

14. WEIGHT pt 2- Don't write in your profile that you are aware of your weight issues and that you are working on it, or that you accept you for you.  If you are or you did then you wouldn't feel the need to mention it.  Don't tell me you're losing weight, just go lose it.  And if you accept yourself for who you are then just leave it at that.  It shows more character.  But telling me you're working on it is like making a false promise that one day you'll be attractive. If I don't think you're attractive now then I don't deserve you and you don't want to be with me.


I am sure there are other things to write about but I am busy trying to convince this chick that I am a stock broker who makes $95,000 a year so she'll fuck me so I gotta run........

Jerry Garcia watches his own Performances

I was wondering the other day that if Jerry Garcia was still alive and hopefully sober, then what would be his reaction to watching footage of his concert performances in 1995.

I can imagine him, five years clean, sitting alone in a room and watching how his health and his addiction completely destroyed his performances and his ability to play.

I know he was self aware of his inability to perform, but what would it have been like a few years later, looking back through clean and sober eyes, at how awful his condition was and therefore how awful his performances were.

It reminds me of when David Hasselhoff''s daughter recorded him when he was drunk trying to eat a cheeseburger.  What must have crossed his mind when he watched that tape later on.

Jerry 1995
Jerry 1993

Look at the two pictures, and see how much he declined in just two years.  Its sad that at 53 he looked like he was 81, but in some weird way at least we got to see what Jerry might have looked like had he ever achieved old age.

Its been said before that truly special, magical artists are usually short timers on this planet, but does that always have to be true?

At least Jerry in 1995 didn't look like Jerry in 1981....


As a recovering addict I wish Jerry would have gotten a chance to hear his performances. And what do I know maybe he did. There was a reason he turned his volume down in the mix during the final months.

At the end of the day I would love to be able to read an interview where Jerry reflects on his years of addiction and what it did to his music, but that would also mean Jerry would still be with us and I think truly that is what I wish for the most.

But I would rather have him dead as an addict then alive if he wasn't ever going to recover.

And with his track record, I don't think he would have cleaned up his act in 1995 if he hadn't died. I think Jerry was meant to be an active addict until the end.

That's what happens when you're rich, and surrounded by people who won't tell you the truth.

Celebrity's a bitch.  Just ask Jerry.