The Three Stooges: A MASSACRE in 3 Chapters

I know, your first question is did I really expect this movie to be good and the answer is, "NO", but I didn't expect it to be as bad as it was, mainly due to poor choices and missed opportunities.

The film is told in three, 25 minute shorts, like real Stooges films were. Each section has its own Title Card and name of that chapter. 

This was the first missed opportunity. Why not use the real title cards and the actual music from the original Three Stooges Shorts?

The first twenty minutes of the film features the Stooges as children? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!  When did the Stooges ever do a film as kids?  This ain't the fucking Little Rascals assholes.


Halfway through the movie there is an extended gag scene featuring the stooges changing babies diapers and having a "gun fight" with the PEEING BABIES.  Yep, thats right, the gag consists of babies pissing all over the place and the Stooges getting soaked over and over.  I love how a kids movie has an extended GOLDEN SHOWER FETISH SCENE!!!! 

Oh, don't let me forget AN AMAZINGLY HUGE GAP IN THOUGHT....

If the film takes place in present day, then why would the Stooges dress and talk like its 1934????  This aspect of the film makes absolutely no sense, and the lazy screenwriters and directors couldn't be bothered to give a fuck.  This lapse in judgement bothered me most in an already broken and uninspired piece of shit film.


And then at the end of the second chapter, Larry and Curly leave Moe after one of those Academy Award emotional moments.  First, what we like about the Stooges is that there is no corny drama with Curly almost crying, and second, going into the 3rd chapter of the film, the Stooges are separated.

In all the Shorts they ever made, the Stooges were always a trio, from beginning to end, and were never separated. But in this film they are separated for almost 20 minutes.

And when we finally get the final scene of the Stooges at a High Society party, there are two huge things missing. First, there is no subtext to the fact that you have three morons who don't fit into High Society.  The Stooge films were always great at showing how these regular guys didn't fit in, but somehow made everyone else look foolish.

And the biggest missed opportunity of the whole movie.......NO PIE FIGHT!!!!

How do you make a Three Stooges movie without a pie fight?  Did anyone involved with making this film ever actually see a Three Stooges film?

And two seconds after the movie fades out it fades back in with two buys pretending to be the Farrelly Brothers who proceed to spend the next two minutes warning us that the film is fake and the violence is fake and that kids shouldn't try this at home.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK????  When I was a kid and watched the Stooges, I never once thought of slamming a hammer over my friends head. I never once "eye poked" a friend. I never needed to be warned. I wasn't that fucking stupid.

Its like watching Tom and Jerry and needing to be reminding not to shove large sticks of dynamite down my cats throat. 

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS.

1.  After the Title Card, "25 Years Later", only the Stooges age.  None of the Nuns who watch over the orphans have aged a second let alone 25 years.

2. Larry David as a Nun.  Was there something I missed? He is as annoying as hell in this film.

3. Jane Lynch.  Here's proof that even you can sometimes suck really bad.

4. Jennifer Hudson.  "Token Black Character" who sings for no other reason than its Jennifer Hudson. They didn't hire her for her acting talents so lets force a scene where she can sing.

5.  The cast of the Jersey Shore.  I swear they are proof that the Taliban exists in America.  I would love to put them in a plane and fly them into a fucking building.

If you feel the need to see this shit then go prepared....

1 can of gasoline

2 matches

after beginning credits, douse and light.



It'll be more fun burning to death that suffering through this "film".

End of rant.........