The Squirrel Incident: American Patriot Act Version 6

Its been a long while since Dr. Teeth has indulged his senses in any sort of chemical orgy.  No I live the clean life now, realizing that being clean and sober is just as mundane and obscene as being sideways on cocaine or some as of yet unnamed substance I allowed myself to be guinea-pigged for. 

The paranoia still surrounds me.  The voices still echo like a carnival.  There are eyes everywhere waiting for me to fall.  And its during those moments of realization that I realize my true enemy is not people, not they are not. My true enemy is the squirrel.

Upon exiting my car this afternoon I heard the warning chirps of a squirrel coming from above. I peered toward the sky and resting on the edge of a tree limb, bare of its summer coat, was a squirrel chirping out to the other squirrels a warning or maybe it was a call to arms. 

What had I done? Was I safe?  Could any moment be more uncertain and unsettling than this.  I looked around but so no evidence of any other squirrels.  They were readying for the ambush.  They had amassed their weapons and their agenda was etched in the cold ground.  They were ready for battle, and it was me, Dr. Teeth left to fend for himself.

I thought about running back to my car and locking all the doors, but the back doors don't lock and certainly the squirrels already knew that.  And even if they did lock, it doesn't take but ten squirrels to overturn a 95 Honda Accord.  Shit, I've seen six do it to a Prius. 

The squirrel on the limb chirped out again.  I pleaded with him to hush.  Fumbling in my pockets for some cash, quickly realizing that squirrels have no need for money.  God damnit are they self sufficient and angry. 

It mattered not what I had done to insult or irk their kind. I looked at the front door to the building which just seemed further and further away as the seconds clicked.  I was stuck between that door and my car.  If I jumped in my car and drove off, I'd never be able to return, but if I ran for the door and made it inside, I'd never have to leave.

I allowed the adreneline to coarse through my veins and fill me with super energy and just like an olympic runner waiting for the gunshot, I was in position.  In one final moment of defiance I cried out, "FUCK YOU SQUIRREL. TODAY I WIN!!!!!!!"

I darted for the door and panted once inside. I had made it. I was out of breath but I was still alive.  Those nut eating bastards hadn't bested me.

As I stood there celebrating my victory, I noticed my neighbor staring at me in worried amusement. "What the hell was that all about?"

I shook my head smiling and got on the elevator.  "Good luck out there. Fuckin' squirrels"

My hands haven't stopped shaking since.  Fuckin' squirrels indeed.  Not my favorite!  We will do battle one day, but until that day I am alive.

I live.

I Just Wanna Be Friends

Ok, let's face it all relationships end.  Even the ones that end in marriage end!! It's a fact.  But what I don't get and wish would go away is that old female cliche, "I just wanna be friends."

I wish I could Wikipedia or Google who the first woman was who said this to a man. I am sure it was what started the Salem Witch Trials.  And possibly responsible for at least 6 beheadings back when that was the "in thing" to do when you were king.

Women sit you down and tell you how great you are, but that they "just wanna be friends".  What they don't know is that we as men would rather hear, "I fucked you're best friend", because it stings and annoys less than the "Friendship Escape". 

There should be honesty in a breakup, and the friendship excuse is anything but.  When a woman tells you she just wants to be friends she really means she wants you to pack your bags and move to another planet as soon as possible. She wants you to lose her phone number, address and forget what she looks like.

And god forbid you actually lower yourself to trying to be her friend, she'll suddenly never answer her phone or return texts and when you ask to get together she'll say its too soon. And if you actually do get to the final round where the two of you hang out, you're gonne spend that time trying to fuck her while she realizes you need to leave.

I have to admit Norah Ephron was right when she wrote the dialogue for Billy Crystal in When Harry...Met Sally, "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."

How many female friends do you have? Attractive ones? And isn't true you really wanna fuck them?  And how many ugly female friends do you have?  See my point.

Women need to stop using the convienent escape route of saying, "I just wanna be friends", because you don't really want to be friends.  You just want the relationship to be over, which is ok, and you're right. Just don't lace it with that crap phrase. Guys see through it and guys get pissed when they hear it.

How would you like it if a guy walked up to you and said, "I just wanna fuck you"? Sounds crass and a bit insulting, and I am sure guys have said it. 

If you really care about letting the guy down softly then dispense with the cliche, break it off, and move on.  And don't even say, "maybe one day we can be friends."  The word FRIEND should never enter into a conversation about breaking up.

Just sever the head, lick the blood off your hands and move on.

Thanks Ladies!!!!

Dr. Teeth