The Conjuring: Summer Success

So I went and saw The Conjuring today and while it is really filled with Haunted House cliche's and reminds the viewer of greater horror films like Exorcist, Amityville Horror, Poltergeist, etc., what it does do is takes the great parts of all of those films and makes a film thats more like an homage to those old 70's scare films.

The plot is simple.... Family moves into an old house for no reason, where the walls are dirty and there are cobwebs everywhere, but hey its the 70's so no one cares.

Immediately the dog starts acting weird, but thats ok because he won't be around long enough to see what happens to this family.

And slowly but surely the haunted house starts fucking with everyone, except the Dad for some reason, in various ways.

I loved how the strange smell is blamed on one of the kids farting, although she tells the accusing sister, "It's not me its you." And while at first the fart concept seems odd it is really the most realistic way to explain the randomness of weird smells that pop up at night.

As the film goes on the scares become more focused and intense and suddenly not only are doors moving and clocks stopping, but apparitions and demons are appearing.

What I always question is that if a ghost doesn't want the people there, then why not come on strongly immediately and get them the fuck out.  Why take your time?  Oh because its a movie that is slowly building tension and dread.

The scares in The Conjuring are consistent and each time more and more scary.  That's what made it so much fun.

Of course we toss in an exorcism to top things off. And although not the most interesting exorcism we've seen on film, it is interesting in that the person being exorcised is covered by a sheet.



The movie ends softly and with a lot of sun, but we know that its not over....the film was too successful financially and nothing brings a ghost back quicker in Hollywood than a big profit.


Even this evil bitch gets in on the fun...


Check it out. It'll remind you of many other horror films, but it'll entertain the hell out of you.

Straight to DVD: The Christian Slater Curse

There are a string of actors who have become 'Straight to DVD' actors and sometimes it is shocking who has a movie that goes straight to DVD.
It should be noted that just because a film didn't open in your neighborhood, doesn't mean it didn't open in a theater, but odds are if it only opened in New York or Los Angeles for a week, it still sorta counts as a Straight to DVD film.

Here are the power trio of actors....

Christian Slater- He is the reigning king of straight to dvd.  He hasn't had a film hit the theaters since that awful UWE BOLL film a few years back. And let's face it if you're in a Uwe Boll flick at all your career is in trouble.  Christians career hit the skids years ago because, of course, he got into drinking and drugs and domestic abuse, etc. and hasn't been able to recover since. He's also tried two tv shows that combined didn't last a single season.  I bet he feels lucky to be getting any work at all.

Cuba Gooding Jr. - What makes his straight to dvd career so shocking is that he doesn't seem to have a drug problem or anything and he even won an Academy Award!!!! But he no longer has films that come out to the theater.  He is going to play a small role in MACHETE KILLS in September, but then again being in a Robert Rodriguez film is not a career comeback, because like Tarantino, Rodrigues plucks actors out of obscurity and puts them in his films. There are dozens of actors who have Tarantino and Rodriguez to thank for jumpstarting their careers even if they only go another 500 miles.

Val Kilmer- There are so many people in Hollywood that refuse to work with this guy. He is reported to be a pain in the ass of mammoth proportions.  He is a prima donna who thinks he's better than the rest.  Well its great to be the greatest and not have anyone wanting to work with you.  This guy was in some huge hits...TOP GUN and he played BATMAN.  But when your attitude sucks, your looks fade and you gain 50 lbs. Your lucky to be in films at all.

Now there are a few others who have surprisingly popped up in Straight to DVD films.

Harrison Ford- This legend did a film called Crossing Over about Border Agent crap, and it has an all star cast but it wasn't good enough to be released in theaters and went straight to dvd.

Al Pacino-  He and Channing Tatum appeared in the pathetic cop film, Son of No One. Watching this film and Pacino's performance in it makes it no surprise that this went straight to DVD.  Pacino must have owed someone a favor or had to do community service for appearing in Jack and Jill, because his presence and performance in this film is just plain awful.

Robert DeNiro- Let's be honest, it should have been Robert DeNiro that died not James Gandolfini.  The fact that anything this guy does even gets made let alone released in a theater is of complete shock to me.  But he appeared in 50 Cent's film Freelancers about crooked cops.  DeNiro played a bad cop who had Fiddy's dad killed.  The film is so poorly written and acted. It stuns me that this is the second time DeNiro has been in a film with Fiddy Diddy.  Now DeNiro has a film out with John Travolta called Killing Season that has opened in a small handful of theaters but also went straight to Video on Demand the same day.  This is not good for two Giants of the film world.

James Gandolfini- Now in Gandolfini's defense he has done plenty of films that were so small they were never really meant for theater screens.  He has had some films come out at the theater but his appearance in films are merely cameo roles, much like DeNiro did in the 80's and does today.  Sadly Gandolfini recently died and we won't get a chance to see where his post Soprano's career was heading, although I wrote a blog about that....  http://doctor-teeth.blogspot.com/2013/06/james-gandolfini-what-fuck.html?zx=4e0d2953fc5ab1c3

50 Cent- This guy isn't an actor so his films should go straight to DVD, but the reason I mention him is that he produces and acts in these films and has gotten people like DeNiro, Bruce Willis, Rosario Dawson, and a few other big names to appear in his shitty films that go straight to DVD, but hey someone must like him because he has a bunch of these films, and big named stars appear in them.

***There are so many more actors who have appeared in straight to DVD films and it's not always there fault.  Some studio's decide at the last minute to dump a film meant for the theater on DVD instead because the finished product was not what they expected.  Some straight to DVD films are actually good, although naming on escapes me at the moment.

Well I have to run now as I'm sure that Christian Slater has a dvd being released at any moment.

The Three Stooges Fail To Make Relationships Work

I met a girl, she loves the THREE STOOGES, so very rare for a woman to love those guys, so I was immediately drawn to her as a result.

But I quickly found out that a relationship cannot survive on a foundation of Moe, Larry and Curly alone.

I love the 3 Stooges, but they aren't enough to build a relationship off of.  Sorry guys. Nyuk Nyuk.

Amanda Bynes: Entertaining TV

We love a good car wreck in this country.  We take some sort of sick entertained satisfaction in watching celebs of all sorts fall apart publically.  It sells magazines, and pushes up ratings on shows like Extra, and Entertainment tonight, it creates traffic to websites like TMZ, and so the more fucked up a story is about a celeb, the more money everyone makes off that celebrity.  And since the celebrity is a public figure they have no right to earn a percentage.

Amanda Bynes has stepped into Lindsay Lohan's spotlight as the crazy broad of the month, but whereas Lindsay appears to be an addict, Bynes appears to just be plain nuts.



I am sure Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew are fawning all over this young woman's fall from reality.  They are such smug, self-important sycophants.  They act as experts on all things pertaining to the health of celebrities.

But why is it that the media goes all cuckoo over these stories.  Why do we "celebrate" the pain, anguish and suffering of celebrities.  If we adore them so much, why then do we hate them so much?



Does it make you feel better to celebrate these young girls suffering?

We are really pathetic.  Our lives are so boring and mundane that we flock to this shit like flies on fresh shit.  We enjoy their suffering!

What does that say about us when we build people up only to tear them down.

How petty are we.  How pathetic are we.

I guess the answer is..... INCREDIBLY.

Why I Hate Johnny Depp

I hate Johnny Depp.  I hate him so much I have become obsessed with the Depp.

Depp came onto the scene with a small role in Wes Craven's, A Nightmare on Elm Street, where he got sucked into the bed with his TV and was dead.  Oh how I wish that was real life.

Is this a photo of Depp dying or climaxing???

Then he went on to play Tom Hanson in the super cool (when your twelve in the 80's) tv show, 21 Jump Street.  He played a narc who busted teenagers for being teens, only actually these teens were into prostitution, extortion, drug dealing, terrorism, election rigging.....ya know the usual trouble teens get into.

But Depp became a Heartthrob otherwise known as extremely popular and that of course pissed him off because he is a rebel so he left the show.

He started along in movies, which and I am not going to go over movie by movie, but for a long time he was in movies where he played odd characters.  Ed Wood, Ed Scissorhands, Benny, etc..

He became more popular. And he became the Robert DeNiro to Tim Burton's, Scorsese.  These two have worked together countless times.  But it should be noted that Tim Burton has never done anything original, and seems hell bent on remaking and ruining everything he touches.  So Johnny Depp has joined him in ruining Alice In Wonderland, Charlie and Choc Factory, Dark Shadows, and this summer came Depp's biggest bomb, albeit without Tim Burton who I am sure is hard at work ruining another beloved film.

So what is my problem with Johnny Depp?

Simple, he never plays a regular person in any of his films.  And he is at the point of being typecast into only playing oddities and larger than life strange people.  At this point, when so many other superstars can still play normal everyday people. Johnny Depp has relegated himself to playing Freak Show characters in his films.

He attempted to play a human being once in The Tourist and that filmed bombed harder than the Enola Gay during WWII. (dated reference I know)

Johnny Depp wasn't even popular until he played Jack Sparrow in the awful, but successful Pirates of the Caribbean movie.  And even then he played an over the top Keith Richards wanna be pirate.

Johnny Depp's films fail over and over and over again.

In the last four years we've gotten...

The Tourist....FLOP.
Rum Diaries...FLOP
Dark Shadows....FLOP
Lone Ranger.....FLOP

How does this asshole find work?

Last year the Rock made more money than Depp.  And he is a former wrestler.

So what is drawing people to Johnny Depp's movies....oh wait I forgot nothing is because no one is going to see his movies.

Maybe Johnny Depp should do some small independent film where he plays an alcoholic writer who loses his wife and must raise his autistic daughter. (Just a thought.)

Something that reminds us he is an actor, not a circus attraction.

Get off your ass Johnny Depp and start acting.


I'm so cool and rebellious.  I reject acting and
successful movies.

Hollywood Shits and Misses

Ok is Hollywood finally listening?  Are they?  Because if they're not, then all the studio's deserve to go bankrupt.

After Earth with Will Smith, ya know Tom Cruise's black friend, started things off with an embarrassing outing.  But in truth this wasn't a Will Smith film, it was a film for his son because nepotism in Hollywood is expected.  Will Smith should do a Fresh Prince movie parody.  And M Night Shamalamadingdong, you were really a one or two trick pony and are now relegated to directing episodes of The Bachelorette.

White House Down came out and crashed harder than flight 93 because Jamie Foxx sucks and any movie where the president plays a kick ass, Obama looking, action hero just sounds stupid, so why would anyone think it would sound good on screen?  They didn't and no one went to see it.

The Lone Ranger came out around the 4th of July and blew up in Walt Disney's face like all the other farts Johnny Depp has released.  Who the fuck had any desire to see a Lone Ranger movie? And who wanted to see Johnny Depp as Tonto?  No one!!!  If Depp couldn't play the Ranger, then he shouldn't have just been shoved into a movie where he doesn't belong.  And just because 4 stupid Pirates movies did well doesn't mean you owe Snore Verbinski or Bore Verbinski $250 million to make a shit movie.

RIPD just boggles my mind.  My immediate thought 12 seconds into the trailer is that this was going to be Men In Black 4.  And I don't know about you but I am getting tired of Jeff Bridges southern sounding voice.  Enough already Jeff.  I didn't think the movie would tank as badly as it did with a $12 million opening, but audiences are lashing out, "No more remake, rip-off, $13 3D movies."

***It is worth noting that the #1movie in the middle of July only took in $40 million, which is pathetic for summer, but fortunately for The Conjuring, which cost nothing to make, it made a huge heap of money.

Turbo is yet another animated movie and to see it open as softly as it has proves that even kids cartoon movies are not immune to no one giving a shit.  This would have been a hit in the fall, when there are no cartoon movies coming out.  But they just had to toss it on top of Monsters U  and Despicable Me 2. That's ok, because Smurfs 2 and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 are on the horizon to tank.

And other movies like Reds 2, The Internship, Oblivion, are proving that audiences are tiring of the actors that they once flocked to the movies to go see.  What Hollywood doesn't get is that we all know that Tom Cruise is 50, Bruce Willis is 60, and Harrison Ford is 70, therefore they are too old to be cool anymore. And watching 45 year old bloated recovering addicts like Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson just isn't funny anymore.  When you watch This is the End and The Heat, you will then watch The Internship and say, "What the fuck did they possibly think was funny here."

What makes me sad about this list is that it isn't the sequels and remakes that are tanking and the whole reboot thing in Hollywood is what irks me the most about lazy filmmaking.  But making $150 million movies is just not proving to be profitable anymore and just like all of our jobs, our movies are going oversea's to make profits. 

I guarantee the studio's are aware of this summer's fiasco and will greenlight less expensive movies with bloated actor salaries for awhile.  Johnny Depp has particularly been a disappointment with two complete flops in two summers.

If this guy could act any better than Jim Carrey maybe he'd be on to something, but as long as he keeps playing silly cartoon characters, he's doomed.

I hear a straight to DVD in his future.



The guy just tries to hard to be different. I bet that head-band was $50, the shirt was $150, the jeans were $400, the belt was $180

American Idiot

Hello-

Like most of you I hate my fucking job because my boss is a moron.  I know, you also have a boss that is a moron and there appears to be an epidemic of moron's.  There are so many morons that they now outnumber illegal Mexican's in the USA by a ratio of 4:1.

How did these morons get to be bosses in the first place?  Well in my case my boss had the money to create a place that put her in charge.  Its clear to my retarded friend who had his head run over ten times by a tractor that she doesn't know what she is doing.  Stevie Wonder can see that my boss is a piece of shit with no competency.

Has the government prepared itself for the plague of morons that are taking over this nation? Oh wait, I forgot that the government is GROUND ZERO for these morons.  If you're a moron you can't take care of the  Moron Problem.

This may be the end of civilization as we know it.  If the government decides to drop a nuke on the city to kill the onslaught of morons I will give them my bosses address so they can drop it on her ugly Frankenstein face.