NA, Friends and Me

Before ever beginning my journey of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous I used to simply think that people all sat in a room, drank coffee, smoked cigarettes and talked about being addicts.  I never thought it any further, and certainly didn't think that the people in these rooms would become friends, or that friendship would be a part of it in any way.  I guess naivety and my definition of anonymous drew me to the conclusion that you go to a meeting and then go back to your own world.

When I started attending meetings I quickly found that to be wrong. The rooms are full of people who know each other and care for each other.  There are friendships and bonds formed and I realized it helped build the foundation of recovery.

But of course I have to complicate everything.......

What I have seen in these meetings is genuine care and concern shared between members, but I also have seen drama and dysfunction and incestuous behavior.  I guess expecting functionality for dysfunctional people is asking a bit much and I am trying to have compassion for dysfunctional people reaching for functionality, but sometimes those "friends" and "cliques" seem to be less about recovery and more about socializing.

I go to meetings to recover. I don't go to find friends or potential fuck-mates, yet it seems like everyone in the some rooms fuck each other and get involved in each others business is negative ways.

So I am stuck between trying to be friendly with other members but not friends, although the lack of friendships makes me sort of an outsider, and makes "fellowshipping" a bit tricky.  There are plenty of sweet, kind and caring people in many of the rooms, but I still find myself resistant to get involved with them on any level except recovery.

I also am closer to 40 while many of the addicts I am surrounded by are in their early 20's.  The ones who are closer in my age are also not really involved in the friendship aspect of the group, but more in the recovery aspect.

Why am I writing about this?  Because I am tired of being torn between just attending meetings with these people and feeling like I have to be friends with these people when I only share one thing in common and that is the disease of addiction.

The one time I took that leap of faith to involve myself with someone who shared many interests I shared bit me in the ass so hard I have scars.

The second time I attempted to befriend someone older than me and he turned into a judgemental asshole.

So I guess I am of the belief that I just need to go to meetings, be friendly with the people in the rooms, but then go back to my life.

I don't need to to hang out with them. I don't need to be facebook friends with them, and I certainly don't need to go have "taco's" with them.

But realizing this is only a part of the answer, I need to embrace it and accept it which is something I am struggling with.  I need to just accept that I feel this way and move on.

But moving on was never one of my strengths.

Save Your Servants

When the wheels of Heaven stop turning and there's no more room in Hell where are we gonna find ourselves?  Clamoring for food, siphoning gasoline from our lovers, and repenting on behalf of our trusted leaders?

And who elected those evils who have sucked us dry of our American Dreams?  And how do those motherfuckers sleep at night knowing they stood at the edge of the crusting cliff and tossed our dreams into the abyss.

Our servants have massacred Jesus over and over again using us as nails  and our dreams as the cross on which he lies dying over and over again for the sins of our servants. 

And they say, "Save your servants" and choose who will lead us into darkness.  Either your part of the solution or your part of the problem.  Being a part of the solution is becoming part of the problem.

Communists? Socialists? Labels of who cares what you are when all you are is dust that I have trampled underfoot.  You lead us to damnation, while speaking of salvation.

"I've seen the future brother, it is murder." **

What are we gonna do when there's no one left to torture?  Where are we gonna go when we have spread democracy and christianity like cancer to the bone, over every body on this planet?

The Unites States of America has never been so divided. The blizzard is coming and it is up to you to rebel, riot and revoke.

How many more pieces of soldiers need be returned in pinewood boxes while you lobby your position?  How many more familes should be brought to starvation while you plan your next election?

How many children are you wiling to watch die before you cry uncle?

Repent my servants!  The American Dream is dead and you killed it.




** Leonard Cohen line.

My Dream Girl

Ok so I have a type. Unless we're desperate, most of us have a type. Mine is brunette, glasses, decent boobs and body and a bit awkward in her humor and tastes. I look at a brunette wearing glasses and I am sold.  Here are a few examples.



Lisa Loeb are Ingrid Michaelson are just celebrity versions of my tastes, but OMG would I ravage them.

A woman came into my job last night with these features and I was immediately in love.  She could tell because after introducing myself as her server, I told her I was in love with her.  She laughed and was so flattered, but I guess not flattered enough to take off her wedding ring and toss it in the garbage.  She and I realized we had so much in common, including a love for the Grateful Dead, but alas she was married.

I asked myself why God would set before met he girl of my dreams only to have her be married, and not just married, but 14 years married. Ugh!!! I couldn't act normal in front of her, and I felt a bit bad for her female friend who was receiving no such attention.  It wasn't that she was overweight, it wasn't that she was blonde, its just that she wasn't HER.

I knew that my efforts would be wasted but I flirted anyway, because if I can't have you, then at least I want you to go home thinking about me.  And that I'm sure she did.

I'm glad she is in a happy marriage, and I remain single, relationships continuing to elude me like some sinister plot by Cupid and my Higher Power.  Its ok guys! I can handle it.
Just another example. God I love this photo.

DAWN OF THE DEAD movie review

DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) Dir. George A. Romero

Starring: David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott H. Reiniger, and Gaylen Ross

It took George Romero another ten years to get the next chapter in his Living Dead saga made.  After a court battle with co-producer John Russo from Night of the Living Dead, it was decided that Russo’s titles could feature the phrase, “of the Living Dead”, while Romero was now to use, “of the Dead”. (Dawn, Day, Land, Diary, Survival).  This legal matter was probably expected when you had so many different investors who wished to continue making these Zombie films but no one single person owned the rights.  Regardless of rights George A. Romero is considered the Father of the genre.

So in 1978, with the help of Italian director Dario Argento, Romero created DAWN OF THE DEAD.  The deal the two struck was that Romero could make the version he wanted and distribute it in the USA, while Argento would have the right to re-edit as he saw fight for a European release.   Romero assembled a team, which featured Vietnam Veteran Tom Savini as Make up FX creator, and this film was shot in color creating a whole new sense of style and freedom for Romero.

This time around we get another group of pseudo-strangers forced together to flee a society that is breaking down quickly.  The number of zombies has multiplied greatly from Night of the Living Dead and now rescue stations and safe havens were becoming scarce.  Two members of a Swat Team and two members of a news crew take flight in a helicopter looking for a place to go.  With fuel running low, they spot a mall and decide there would be a good place to land and figure out what to do next.  But once in the mall the group realizes that staying put with all this commerce at their disposal may be the best option.

Things go well for awhile, and this group isn’t prone to the ego and infighting as were the characters in Night, but once again the strongest character is a black man named Peter.  The other two men are weaker; one is cowardly while the other is reckless.  And of course there is a woman in the mix, this time not catatonic, but cast to the background until she demands to learn how to use a weapon and fly the helicopter.  Again Romero claims to not have intentionally cast a black man in the hero role, and also has written a somewhat stronger female character, although her role in the efforts of these men is limited.

Things go well for awhile, but soon recklessness and necessary chance come at a price.  There are just too many zombies.   Romero uses the mall and the surrounding area to show the isolation these characters feel, even in a place so large as a mall.  At that time in the 70’s shopping malls were scarce and new to the American Consumer.  The film has always been seen as a commentary on American Consumerism, something I have never quite agreed with.  I just think that holing up in a place so large with all it has to offer is a wise choice, although the characters do have some fun shopping once they feel secure, but hey there is boredom to reckon with.

Now to shift focus on the zombies and how they look in this film; Romero is using color and with the introduction of Tom Savini what we get are truly horrific looking creatures.  Savini has claimed to have gone for the type of realism he saw while fighting in Vietnam and everything from decaying flesh to brutal gunshot wounds are plentiful in this film.  This level of gore and violence was still rare in American Cinema, but it an esthetic approach Romero used and would continue to use in each of the other zombie films he would create.   Savini used make up FX to create zombies that had just turned, as well as zombies that were further along in their decay, as well as a whole host of zombie created wounds. 

Now shooting in a working mall was not easy.  The mall would be open during the day, but from 10pm until 7am, the cast and crew had their way with the place.  The film was shot only at night, except for some daytime stuff that was picked up later on.  It was budgeted at a mere $650,000 and looks fantastic based on such limited financing.  One interesting fact is that the entire ending scene when the Bikers crash the mall and let in all the zombies was basically all improvised and not originally part of Romero’s script.  You get that feeling when watching the part of the movie as the story pauses for some real insanity and fun.  This gory horror flick definitely has a subtle sense of humor and is part of what makes it great. 

Ultimately, as would be expected some of the cast dies, but this time around not all of them do.  Peter, the hero and Fran the ever-stronger female survive, but not before Peter tells Fran to leave while he stays behind to shot himself.  He has a change of heart and suddenly finds himself in a fist fight with many zombies with some of the cheesiest A-Team sounding music, adding to the humor and horror of the scene.  Romero originally intended on Peter killing himself and Fran getting on the helicopter and then sticking her head in the rotating blade, but decided to allow some characters to survive.

The film ends with the two acknowledging that they are low on fuel, and don’t know where to go next.  Although they have survived the movie, we have no reason to believe or know how long or if they will survive later.

Added Note:  Argento’s edit of the movie cuts out a lot of the humor and he changes the music to actually create a more horrific and tighter version that Romero’s.  Romero’s is more fun, but Argento’s is more horrifying.

Romero’s Grade: A

Argento’s Grade: A+