The Gods of My Childhood:XXX

News broke yesterday that my good friend and former co-star RON JEREMY was in the ICU and in very critical condition....

This got me to thinking about the Hollywood Hero's I had growing up.  I wanted to be Rocky and Han Solo and Indiana Jones, and Superman.  And I worshipped the actors that played these iconic roles, but then there was a time when puberty hit.....

There is a point in every boys life when we see our first ADULT FILM.  It is an amazing experience that one never forgets.  It was 1984 when I saw my first, called TAILENDERS.  What I didn't realize then but found out later, was that it was basically an incest type scenario.  It seemed that Taboo and other taboo related subjects were all the rage in the early 80's.  At some point these movies were banned but thats another story...

Watching my first adult film was a strange experience.  Part of me wanted to throw up, but part of me kept wondering what that feeling was down below, in my pants.  I knew that I didn't want to watch the movie with anyone else around.  It made me feel a weirdness that I didn't want to share with anyone else.  Later I would realize that the movie made me want to masturbate and I didn't want anyone else watching.  Having other people watch would come later.

So there came a time when Ron Jeremy, Tom Byron, Buck Adams, and some other forgotten names, became HERO'S I looked up to.

These were guys who had sex with blondes, brunettes, mom's, teens, blacks, mexicans, twins, groups, inside and outside, cars, hotels, beaches, streets, outter space, etc...

These were guys who were doing something I wanted to do.  I wanted to have sex.  And at that age I suddenly wanted to have sex with everyone and anyone.

I watched those movies wondering when it would be my turn, and even when it was my turn I would never have the experiences these guys have.

They were my idols.  And as much as I wanted to swing from vines like Indy, and punch out Mr. T like Rocky, I now wanted to sit in the back of a corvette with two women who were sharing me.

Most guys won't admit it.  But I am Dr. Teeth and I admit everything. 

I hope Ron recovers.  And I know that I will never stop idolizing these guys, only difference is that I don't idolize them as many times a day as I used to. LOL

Regards-

Dr. Teeth

Dancing With The Tards:Celebrity Edition

Ok so before you get all up in arms, remember I make fun of everyone, including myself.  If you can't handle that then fuck off, don't read this and put your head in a fucking hole.

So there is a new show coming to NBC called Dancin' With The Tards in which a group of famous retarded people compete in dancing competitions with only one being crowned the winner.

This season's list of Tards includes....

1. Todd Bridges, the last living Stroke.
2. Sarah Palin, who reads all the uhm, stories written on paper.
3. Corky from Life Goes On
4. Gary The Retard
5. Beetlejuice
6. George W. Bush
7. Lindsey Lohan
8. John K.
9. The Cast of Facebook.
10. A chicken


There will be Square Dancing, Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, Break Dancing and Dancing with Animals.

So come watch this amazing new show on Saturday Nights this summer on NBC....be there.

The Cookie Sheet

As far as muppets go, I am a bad dater.  I get attached like velcro and then the deal goes south.  The woman flee's, sometimes presses charges and I am alone again searching for love.

Recently I was in another short fiasco with an adorable woman who got cold feet, or her meds wore off and she did a 180.

Not the first, not the last.

I was cleaning my place the other day and I noticed the COOKIE SHEETS.  Oh shit she had left her cookie sheets.  I flashed back to that wonderful New Years Day date when we made dinner and cookies and then watched a shitty movie before ravaging each others bodies. 

Now, after the deal went south, I was staring at her fucking cookie sheets. I thought I might put them at the bottom of my cat's litter box and make shit cookies.  I thought I might toss them out the window.  I thought I might bend them in half.

But no, I texted her and with my ego up my ass....

 I wrote, "I have your cookie sheets."
She wrote, "Oh yeah.."
LONG PAUSE..
I wrote, "So what do you wanna do about it?"
She wrote, "I don't know. What do you wanna do?"

Give me a fucking break! DO YOU WANT YOUR FUCKING COOKIE SHEETS!?!?!?!

I wrote, "Well I got them here if you want them."
She wrote, "I want them."
I wrote, "So what do you wanna come get them?"
She wrote, "I guess. Where?"

I thought to myself, annoyed at best, the fucking COOKIE SHEETS were in my apartment so WHERE was fucking HERE!!!

I wrote, "Here, where they sit. "

I was damned if I was going to come bring them to her or meet in some public place for the exchange. They were hers, she should have taken them with her, but she didn't, so now we had to deal with this bullshit over fucking cookie sheets.

She wrote, "Ok, I'll get back to you and let you know..."

So how long do I wait before I take those fucking cookie sheets and bury them in the Las Vegas desert.

Fucking COOKIE SHEETS.

Bin Laden: To Torture or Not to Torture

I recently saw Zero Dark 30 and am aware of the controversey surrounding the torture scenes in the movie.  What I saw was barely torture.

"I am not your friend. I am not going to help you.  I am going to break you."

Personally water boarding looks tame to me.  I'd do piss boarding.  Unzip, piss, swallow, repeat.

I'd stick maggots up their nose.
I'd make them watch THATS MY BOY over and over.

Whatever it took to find and kill Bin Laden.

But here is where the CIA, and the military failed.  They should have captured Bin Laden and then held him captive in a cell in some other country.

They should have put a camera in his cell and started a cable channel with 24 hour coverage.

I am a nasty fucking muppet, but I would have sewn his asshole shut and fed him oatmeal!

I would have put him in a vacant building and flew an airplane into it.

I would have flew him in an airplane and then had the pilot eject while Bin Laden was unaware.  Then watch the plane crash into a field.

This would have all been great Television.

But we snuck in, shot him once or twice and then secretly buried him at sea.

Whatever.  At least he's dead.....

or is he?

Death of a Friend: Jim

The text read, "Jim T**l died today."

I was stunned, and after a week of stress and anxiety it was the excuse I needed to start crying all over myself.

Jim was gone.  Jim is gone. 

The finality of it rivals even the hardest of cements. 
The blow to my heart, rivals the biggest heart breaks.

I hadn't been in touch with Jim during most of his cancer battle, and got updates through his brother Rob, but Jim was and is a good friend with a heart of gold.

He was an overweight, Hippie-type Dead Head, who loved his Ganj, and having a good time.

The cancer had robbed him of his robust look, and took from us a great soul.

During a viewing of The Grateful Dead Movie, I ran into his brother Rob who gave me Jim's number and told me to call him.  He said Jim would be excited to hear from me.

I tucked the number into my contact list and forgot about it.  But the times I did remember I was afraid of making that call; resisting acknowledging Jim's cancer.  I was afraid to talk about it.

In my mind, Jim would beat cancer and live to tell the tale of his struggle and to show off his weight loss.
In my mind, ignoring it would make it go away.

But the problem didn't go away.....Jim did.

In 40 short years, Jim lived and Jim died. 

His death takes me back to the death of Kelly Hayes, gone at 19.
His death forces me to acknowledge mortality.
His death makes me hurt.
His death makes me cry.
His death makes me angry.

His death has made the world a quieter, and less amusing place.
And his death dims the light in my soul just a tiny bit more.


I am sorry Jim.  I am sorry you had to suffer.  I am sorry you had to die.  I am sorry you are not here anymore, and I'm sorry I never called.

But the day after he passed I did call.  I nervously listened to his phone ring; expecting for it to go directly to voice mail, but it didn't.

I heard him speak his final words to me, "This is Jim, leave a message."

Oh Jim, there isn't enough room for the message I wanna leave you now. 

How The Taliban Won

So Bin Laden planned to have 19 Hi-jackers board airplanes and fly them into the WTC, Pentagon, and The White House.  The plan succeeded save for the White House when Flight 93 was crashed, by the passengers in a revolt*.  There are many who refute that, and say the flight was shot down.

Bush promised, "We can't let the terrorists win.", but in the 11 years since, they have won way more than Bin Laden could ever have planned or imagined.

Since 911, we have gotten into at least 3 wars which have killed scores of Americans as well as cost us so much money, we'll never recoup the loss.

The Patriot Act was created which gave the goverment powers unpresedented.  They can now spy on what we seach for on computers, and what we rent and borrow at libraries from books, to magazines to movies.

In the beginning we duct taped our windows, bought gas masks, and feared flying.  To this day, many people are wary of flying.  We now have Air Marshalls on every flight.

People are on constant edge when in flight.

At the airports, we are getting searched, our shoes taken off and body scans happening which are resulting in anger, rage and controversey into how far those in charge can go and when our rights are being violated.

Obama took office and continued to involve us in Middle Eastern issues.
He never closed Guantanamo.
And he didn't even think to touch or change or retract the Patriot Act.

Our rights and way have life have changed.  Our lives are subject to invasive searches and fear.

In some ways the lucky people died on 911, not having to bare witness to what this country has become, or how our freedoms have eroded and continue to erode.

We killed Bin Laden....so what.  Their hold on us is firm and never-ending.

Bin Laden won alot more than he ever conceived on 911.

And since then we have put a greater and bigger target on our backs.

So 911 as shocking, but the extent of the victory is still revealing itself.

Its my sad perspective and my sad reality on the situation.

The Bible: The Lord of Twilight Unchained

They should take the Bible and turn it into 5 teeny bopper movies ala Twilight.
Or Peter Jackson should turn it into a 70 hour, 20 part movie that will be in 3D and at 68 fps.
Or maybe Quentin Tarantino could turn it into a Biblical Blaxploitation film with a heavy Soul and Funk Soundtrack and Sam Jackson as Moses who calls everyone Niggar.

Quentin Tarantino could make an amazing Bible Movie. 

 

We are in 2013 and the saga of Gay Marriage continues to take up space in our mind and news.  If your pro-gay, your labeled a liberal.  If you are anti-gay, you're a moron.

 

Why do you care who people sleep with or couple up with or marry?

 

No one can ever prove that God exists, Jesus existed, or that the Bible is authentic. 

 

So stop basing your lives and ruining others based on a book. 

 

And go fuck yourself.