Tuesday, September 18, 2012

WWE: Jesus vs Santa and Easter Bunny

In this corner weighing 116 lbs, the son of our Creator.....JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!

(Jesus Christ is a personal friend of Mel Gibson
and recently came back to Earth to visit Mel on
the set of his latest film.)

And in this corner weighing 186 lbs, the furriest and tallest bunny on earth......EASTER BUNNY!!!!!

(Unbenownst to the Easter Bunny, media whore
Barack Obama tried to crash his press conference.
The Easter Bunny ended up tossing the Pres. over
the railing.)

And finally in this corner, weighing 245 lbs and suffering end stage diabetes is.... SANTA CLAUS!!!



This is a winner takes all match.  No time limit.  No rules.

Jesus Christ comes out of the corner and immediately starts talking shit to Easter and Santa, "You bastards have taken away MY holidays and I'm gonna win them back."

Santa retorts, "More kids love me than you. To them Christmas is all about Santa and presents."

Easter Bunny chimes in, "And Easter is all about Easter eggs and candy!  Why bum people out with your death."

Jesus throws a chair, "But you two aren't even real.  You are made up!!!!"

Santa and Easter Bunny look at each other a moment then break out laughing! "Hawahahahahahahahahbabababaahahaahahaaa!!!!!!!!!"

Santa has Jesus in a headlock, "Oh and I suppose you really can walk on water my friend."


The Easter Bunny grabs Jesus from behind and holds him while Santa plunges a barbed wire wrapped piece of wood into his ribs.


Jesus is losing strength fast.

Santa, "No one wants to be bothered with your religous bullshit when they are opening Xbox 360's and Bratz Dolls on Christmas morning."

Santa cracks five of Jesus's ribs.

Jesus cries out, "Forgive them for they know not what they do!!!!"

Easter Bunny shoves a bunch of jelly beans in Jesus's mouth, "Shut the fuck up son of nothing!!"

Santa, "You are such a narcissist Jesus.  Everything is about you and your sacrifice.  No one cares!! They'd rather open gifts, chase easter eggs and gobble up goodies. Why don't you go take over Thanksgiving or Independence Day you buzz kill!!!!"

Santa and Easter Bunny begin repeatedly kicking Jesus in the ribs until Jesus stops moving.



The match is over.  SANTA and EASTER BUNNY have saved Christmas and Easter from JESUS CHRIST!!!!  The Crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!!



The Easter Bunny and Santa give each other a hug.  But suddenly Santa stops and says, "Why should I only get one holiday when I can have two?"

Easter Bunny replies, "Why do you think you deserve two?  Look at how fat you are. Its clear you'll be dead in six months."

Santa, "There is only one way to settle this my furry little friend....."


"What an amazing night we've had at the Garden.  A bloodbath like no other.  A first in the history of the WWE.  This is Mean Jean Okerland.......goodnight!"



Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Worst Drummer Ever

The Worst Drummer Ever....

Scott was someone who I played with for a few years.  He used to play "air drums" to many songs during car trips or just when sitting around the fire.  Then one day in 1995 he decided to buy a used drum set.  He played on that drumset for a week before his brother (twin brother) decided to let him join the two of us on stage for future gigs.  I was in shock, "Man, we've been practicing in your basement for two years before we had the balls to play live!!"  I couldn't believe that I would be sharing the stage with someone with ZERO EXPERIENCE, and once he got up on stage to play live I realized he had NO CAPABLITY to play.  That is the big secret everyone is in on but him.  We have all talked extensively about his lack of  talent.  And to go out on stage with him time after time to be embarassed, was just too much.  It got to the point where I would go on stage alone to play a few songs so the audience knew that when I sucked it was because of THE WORST DRUMMER EVER.  He couldn't keep a beat or rythm, even to the most basic songs, but it didn't matter because he played "air drums" for years to Pearl Jam's TEN album, so of course he was a fucking pro.  He also had a twin brother who was his fucking door mat and would do whatever he demanded.  I of course, had zero say.

And what I loved was that during gigs he'd get pissed because he's got serious mental issues, and for many years a horrible cocaine habit, so he'd just get up and walk off stage in mid-song.  He did this all the time.  But his brother continued to defend and allow him to play. 

It wasn't until many years later, when his brother started playing in a more notable band in good venues that Scott was slowly exorcised from the group.  What stuns me the most about Scott is that I could understand him sucking after only 1 week or two months, but to still suck 17 years later takes REAL FUCKING TALENT!!!

Thank God I don't have to play with him anymore. I just wish that I had some recordings to show people when in need of a good laugh. 

EPIC FAIL!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

4 out of 5 Dentists Surveyed

Back in the 1980's commercials for sugar free gum used to always feature the claim, "Four out of five dentists surveyed....", meaning that four out of every five dentists liked or encouraged the use of the gum.  What always got me stirred up was this fifth dentist.

I mean what the fuck is your problem?  Are you trying to be difficult? Don't you wanna be part of the group?

I always wanted to tie the fifth dentist up in my house and just throw feces at him. 

He's the dude in school who always started arguements and never got along with anyone, so as an adult he figured he'd have his revenge by not supporting the same gum that four other Dentists support.

He's the reason jury's become deadlocked and rapists go free.
\
ROMAN POLANSKI


I say that we hunt out all of the 5th Dentists in this country and put them into camps. The should be forced into hard labor.




The same thing goes for that fifth Doctor.  What a fucking cocksucker.  Fuck You.  You just gotta be different don't you.  A rebel.  More like an asshole.


FUPA: A Celebration

Women have it, Men deal with it.  Its known as the FUPA.

F. fucked
U. up
P. pussy
A. Area

Its that blog of flab below the stomach and above the vag that women try to tuck under their belts.



Usually this scientific oddity is a result of pregancy or too many Whoppers while watching Oprah.

This is a photo of me and my girlfriend Blair.  She had an enormous FUPA.


The thing I like most about the FUPA is that when I'm having sex I am like a cat and I knead my hands in the "dough" while thrusting.  I like to grab it and pull it and sometimes take bites out of it.

Sometimes I will grab onto the FUPA with both hands and use it as a way to pull myself into the woman, gaining thrusting momentum.

This woman has something called a FUBA......or Fucked Up Bloated Ass


This is just deranged.  This woman had to have known at some point that Dorito's and Ice Cream Sandwiches are not major food groups.

OMG What the FUCK!!!!!!!!


America, we have a new enemy. Its the FUPA.  56% of all American Women own a FUPA.

I am starting a movement to end all FUPA's.  Ban the FUPA!!!!!



Why does GOD harm us? Is he angry? Is he vengeful? 

F.U.P.A in the USA.
F.U.P.A. in the USA.

Come on John Mellencamp sing that shit!!!!!!