Ugh, just writing that title makes me wobbly. So what gives with that title? Well someone I know has Stage 3 Adenocarcinoma of the Pancreas. This man was my first sponsor, a sponsorship that didn't last long. Why was it so short? Well the simple answer is that I didn't at the time know what a Sponsorship relationship meant, what I wanted from a Sponsor or what a Sponsor wanted from me. Its good that Patrick took me on as a Temp, in order to see if we were a good fit. We weren't. Probably wouldn't be today although I now know what Sponsorship means and what I need from it.
But recently I found out that Patrick was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, a certain death sentence for the unfortunate who receive such a diagnosis. This week I found out he is Stage 3. Can the news for him get any worse? I think not.
Upon hearing news of his disease I immediately felt guilty that we didn't work out as Sponsor and Sponsee. I felt like I owed him an amends and immediately emailed him to apologize and also wish him well.
It rings so false to me to wish someone well when you know they are going to die. It also makes me feel guilty that I feel bad about our sponsorship when he is facing mortality right now. Fuck, I feel ridiculous sitting here writing about this because writing about my emotions is my battle in this situation, not cancer.
I know Patrick is going to die, and soon. He has a Blog on the John Hopkins website and seems positive, although I am sure he knows better. But why not try and be positive and why not at least send out the positive vibe to the world rather than scared nervousness? And who is to say Patrick is scared? He has a deep spiritual relationship with God and I know he feels embraced by God's loving arms.
Patrick is going to be all right no matter the end game here.
But I also started thinking about Patricks drug problem in the past, the one that brought him to recovery. The second step of the program states, "We can to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", and the third step states, "We made a decision to put our lives and our will over to the care of God...."
I started to think that Patricks drug problem was a blessing as it caused him to believe in God and give his life and his will over to God, regardless of whether he already had this relationship, I know the NA steps at least made them more concrete.
So was it God's plan that Patrick become a recovering addict in order to create a bond with him so that when Patrick was then faced with death, he'd be more prepared? No one has an answer, but the posibility is amazing.
