Vin Diesel and Paul Walker Interviewed by Doctor Teeth

Recently I had the unfortunate luck to sit down with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker from the Fast and Furious Franchise.  These two had just gotten done getting Vin his rabies shots and flea collar and they agreed to sit down and talk with Doctor Teeth about life, movies and being born retarded.

Doctor Teeth:  Well its a...well its.....well thanks.....hey guys.

Vin Diesel:  Derp Durr Drurl Doop Dippity...

Doctor Teeth: What the fuck?

Paul Walker: He said its great to meet you Mr. Teeth.

Doctor Teeth: That's Doctor. You really understood what he said?

Paul Walker: Yes, of course. I understand everything Vin says.  That is why we are in all the same movies together.  In each of Vin's movie contracts is The Paul Walker Clause.  Since I am the only one that can understand him they put me in his movies so I can translate what he says to the director.

Vin Diesel: gooop derrp dooort.

Doctor Teeth:  Is he retarded?

Paul Walker: He's just misunderstood. (Paul proceeds to pet Vin's bald head.)

I proceed to hold up random objects in front of Vin, who becomes excited.

Doctor Teeth: What is this Vin? (Holding up a pencil)

Vin Diesel:  Peerp.

Doctor Teeth: Well that word started with a P so I guess he said pencil.

Paul Walker goes into his pocket and removes something and puts it in Vin's mouth.
Vin becomes excited and claps his hands together happily.

Doctor Teeth: Was that some sort of treat?

Paul Walker:  Yes its a bit of spam. Vin loves spam as a treat.

I proceed to light a cigarette and the flame from my lighter agitates Vin.

Vin: Fire.....bad....fire....bad!!!!!!

Vin stands up and proceeds to wreck my office, flipping over books and smashing things.

Vin Diesel:  VIN SMASH!!!!!!

Paul Walker shrieks like a bitch with a skinned knee.

Paul Walker:  You've upset him you silly!! You upset him.

Paul pulls out a leash and tosses it on Vin who fights and resists.

Paul Walker: Its ok Vin. Its ok. Pauly is here.

Vin calms down and rests his head on Paul's shoulder.

Vin Diesel:  Paul.....good....deerrrp drooo diiip.

Doctor Teeth: Can I just say something at this point?

Vin Diesel:  Deeep???!!

Paul Walker:  Sure.

Doctor Teeth:  Get the fuck out of my office before I put a shotgun up both of your asses and pull the trigger until it goes click.

Paul and Vin get up and hurry out of the room.  I suspected something was off about Vin Diesel when they added subtitles and a Bane sounding voice over to his voice in his latest movies.  Was Vin born retarded, or did he have a horrible accident that TMZ failed to tell us about.

I will get to the bottom of this and report back soon......

These guys had to have met on Craigs List.



Tell me this Popeye character doesn't look like Vin Diesel.

Gluten Free Is Everywhere!! HELP ME!!!!!

A hoax has been perpetrated on the American People; a hoax that makes Jesus, Santa Claus and the Holocaust pale in comparison.  This is a hoax that has caused some sort of mass hysteria amongst the public.  It appears to be air-borne, and Oprah Winfrey is believed to be Patient Zero.  This hoax is simply known as GLUTEN FREE.  At some point one person ate some gluten and went off on a trip the likes of which no non- Deadhead has ever witnessed.  There are scores of people all over the land who are now either allergic to gluten or are afraid of the addictive and supposedly deadly effects of gluten.   Every restaurant now has Gluten Free menus.  Diners are now asking questions about every item in every dish a restaurant serves.  “Is this gluten free”, well the last time I checked no body was charging extra for gluten so I am sure it comes free with the dish. 

But it is not good enough. Some people react to gluten like the devil reacts to Holy Water.  They are angry at it.  They are afraid of it. 

When did the American public turn into such fraidy-cats?  They can’t have gluten, or dairy, or meat, or peanuts, or shellfish, or hydrogen dioxide.  Get over it people.  The flour in your food is not going to harm you.  If you want to eat like an animal living off the land then go graze on a farm, and do not go into restaurants or stores anymore.  Eat the fucking grass on the ground.  Chew a branch on a tree. Starve for all I care, but enough of this irrational fear of gluten.  It has always been there and it always will be.  You will not escape it.  It knows you.  It knows where you live.  It knows what you fear.  Deal with it.

Snort, suck, chew, gulp and fuck as much gluten as you can.  You will survive. 

I did……….