Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Guilt of Dr. Teeth

Going over the exact nature of my wrongs and how I have hurt others is a sobering experience.  It was one thing to write it down, but to have to say those sins to another person was brutal.

I have said some awful things to people ranging from wishing they were dead, to making fun of their dead parents, to calling them whore's to telling them their children hate them.  All of this in some attempt to remain dominant and not show the true pain and hurt I was suffering.

I have made people hate me because I was not able to convey my pain.  I have hurt others as a way to deal with my pain.  If I hurt you more than I will hurt less. But that wasn't true.  The more I hurt you the more I actually hurt.


Sure saying something shocking and hurtful brought me seconds worth of relief, but that relief was so short lived I immediately was left feeling much worse.

I attack because I feel worthless.  I hurt others because I am hurt.

I've held resentments for over 20 years.  My pattern started long before I started using, and got worse after I stopped because I now have to deal with my honest pain without medicating it. 



Its sad to realize that drugs didn't create this self destructive pattern, but that it was always a part of me.  But that doesn't mean I can't change it.  Becoming aware of it and owning up to it is the first step in making that change.

I have a chance to not verbally attack others.  Even if I feel compelled too, I can show restraint, if not only to show I am better than them.  But mainly to show that I can change.

I am sorry to those I have attacked with my words.  I am sorry that I have used the internet and my blog as a weapon against women who have hurt me.

My pain is real.  Please understand that.