Bubbles and Michael circa 1986.
DOCTOR TEETH: So how have you been holding up since MJ died?
BUBBLES: Me? I'm doing fucking great. I got a $35 million cash award from MJ's estate to keep my mouth shut about certain aspects of my relationship with Michael. So for the duration of this interview I am going to be telling you some fucked up shit about this guy I know names Dewey.
DOCTOR TEETH: Did you and Dewey ever engage in odd behaviors?
BUBBLES: Dewey locked me in that sleeping chamber one night and farted into it through a hose. Have you ever smelt the farts of a dude like Dewey. They were so squeaky but damn they smelled like melting skin.
DOCTOR TEETH: What else?
BUBBLES: Well this is hard for me, because I am totally hetero, but Dewey used to play with my penis. He would say it was like a furry baby boy's pee pee. I mean, what the fuck was that all about? I was young, of course my shit was a bit small, but now it looks like this....
Bubbles penis circa 2013
BUBBLES cont.: I mean my cock looks like a black water slide. Dewey would run screaming from the room whenever I pulled it out, after I got a bit older.
DOCTOR TEETH: How did your relationship evolve over the years?
BUBBLES: It devolved. I wasn't immune to the loss of interest once I got older. Dewey loves you when your young, innocent, and a virgin, but once he's plyed you with Jesus Juice and spread the anus, you become used and too old. I'd say if Dewey could have a friend remain eight forever, he'd have been so happy. He fell in love with 8 year old boys all the time, but then they turned nine and he was like, "When the fuck did you get so old?" And he'd kick them out. I had to keep changing my D.O.B. on my birth certificate to keep him off my ass.
DOCTOR TEETH: Rumors have swirled for years that Michael was a drug addict. What can you say about this?
BUBBLES: LMAO!!! Let me tell you. Those of us in his inner circle used to call him Whitney. (a reference to singer Whitney Houston who died in 2011 of a drug overdose.) Dewey always had the best drugs. He wasn't just happy with cocaine and alcohol. No, this rich motherfucker would smoke frogs, and have his friends break into pharmacies and steal the craziest shit. One weekend we shot up this stuff that paralyzed our bodies for sixteen hours. I thought I was dead. Then it turned out Dewey hadn't taken it, so he went around and made us all suck his penis.
DOCTOR TEETH: And how did that affect you?
BUBBLES: You need to realize that Dewey had the penis of a newborn, and couldn't last more then nine seconds. So him forcing you to suck his dick was not all that bad. Afterward he would freak out, "God is angry with me." And he'd run around with a scrubber and bleach and pour it over himself. That was really the beginning of his black to white transformation.
DOCTOR TEETH: How did his transformation affect you?
DEWEY: I went up to him one day and said, "Look, you was born a niggar, and you gonna die a niggar. You got's to deal wit dat shit." Dewey wouldn't accept that he was black. He used to tell people he was born in Beverly Hills, but he wasn't fooling no one. One look at the other Jackson's and you knew he was black.
DOCTOR TEETH: So what's next for you?
BUBBLES: Well I am consultant on the new Planet of the Apes movie. I also do some amateur porn. I am writing a book called, M***AEL J***SON: The Niggar Who Took My Virginity, about my lost weekend with Dewey and Macauley Caulkin......how the fuck you spell that shit? And I'm just trying to survive. I have undergone a lot of therapy, shock treatments and mind erasure. I can still taste that man on my tongue and I eat shit. Dewey fucked up a lot of peoples lives.
DOCTOR TEETH: Are you glad he's dead?
BUBBLES: Oh he ain't dead. This is all vamping before his super duper super friends comeback tour. Dewey has been cryogenically frozen like Han Solo in Empire. He left instructions to thaw him in 2012, but the fatal flaw in his plan was that once they got him frozen and under control, they planned to leave him that way. Dewey done fucked up. He alive, but he's just a vanilla/chocolate popsicle.
DOCTOR TEETH: This is amazing news. Do you have any proof of this?
BUBBLES: Ask the National Enquirer. They literally know everything........
