Things have been a bit rough lately. I have lost my sponsor and rid myself of a toxic relationship. The urge to use has never been so great. My day job is stressful and I feel alone. The urge to use is gaining power.
The other night someone asked me if I wanted a Vicodin and like a child in a toy store I eagerly agreed, almost begging. I couldn't wait to get out of work and during the car ride home I was so excited to consume that painkiller. Then I stopped.....
I suddenly realized then said to myself, "You know Doc, if you take that pill you've relapsed. If you swallow any of it then 2 yrs and 5 months goes down the fucking toilet." I was pleased but irked. On one hand I realized I was about to make a mistake but on the other hand I realized there is nothing I can do to get around the fact that I cannot use drugs, no matter what.
I ended up at a meeting and smiled seeing some old friends in the program. Before the meeting I collected all of my key-chain's from day Zero to Multiple Years. I needed to look at them to remind myself of the journey I have been and continue to be.
Bad relationships or break ups are not an excuse to use. The loss of a sponsor is not an excuse to use. A shit job is not an excuse to use. I need to keep chanting to myself, "There is no excuse to use."
During a phone session with my therapist I replayed the recent tragedy that was my 8 week roller coaster relationship with Stella Blue. I admitted that Stella, although badly damaged emotionally, hadn't done anything to me. I was not a victim. Nothing happened that I didn't allow to happen. And that was when I realized that she, the relationship and my co-dependency are the true Drug Addictions in my life.
Its easy to say NO to cocaine, but to a woman who needs me, or needs to be taken care of,: I'd snort that by the roomful. I can never get enough of that drug.
The NA program doesn't care if I consume copious amounts of Stella Blue, but it sure cares if I drink a glass of wine.
Stella was my drug. Even though I truly cared for her and wanted to be with her. She was a drug. And I became consumed with taking that drug. I became consumed with holding that drug and wanting that drug. I let common sense and self respect fly out the window all for this drug. I spent the holiday with her and not my family because I went where the drug took me.
Stella, not really a drug, but a real person with beauty and mystery and a heart broken into more pieces than I could ever repair, was indeed my drug. That is not her fault. Nor am I concerned with what is her fault.
What I need to realize is that relationships of a certain kind are drugs for me and I get high off them and behave like a pathetic addict.
It's a shitty reality, but it is real.
I miss her, but I don't miss the drug.
Another meeting.......
