Drinking Out Of Cups

What does this guy think he is, an indian?
What is he, a goddamn asshole? What the fuck is he doin’?
Not ever.
No way.
Now he’s Johnny Hammersticks. Hammered away like he’s freakin’ Tommy Noble.
What the hell’s he doin’?
Thinks he’s got it goin’ bossa nova … No way, no way…
What is the ga’bage? (garbage)
What is this? Oh I’m … king of the trees, I’m the tree-meister … I count on them.

[When sometimes I (brag? pry?) I like to (steelst)]
Yeah right …. yeeeah right
This guy’s a faggot. The guy’s some sort of faggot indian in the teepee. Who does this guy think he is, he’s Captain Knots? He thinks he’s Captain Tying Knots, when everyone needs some knots tied they go to him - BULL. SHIT. Bullshit

Aflkjg such a bitch, he thinks he’s Miss Sand (?), drinking out of cups…bein’ a bitch.

How ‘bout her fist? How bout her fabulusk(?) bardt (?)
Tired of the little kid in the background fuckin’ goin’ craaazzzaayy
Who’s this guy? Mr. Balloons. Mr. Balloon Hands. No way. No way, get real. Like those things

Mr. Walk Way. Mr. Walk Down Me, I’m The Walk Way … lead me to the building - fuck you!

5, 6, 4, 3

Yeeaheh Right!

Here’s some stupid bitch. Who paid for that floor? Not me. No way!
Never payin’ for no floor ever again. Not ONCE, not NEVA! Nope -

Who’s chair is that? Who brought that goddamn chair here - not my chair. Not my chair, not my problem - that’s what I say.

No way. Stupid dresses.
Stupid flowers.

Lighthouses rule. You don’t like the lighthouse, you suck!

What is this, Sea Horse Captain? What is this - Seahorse-Seashell party? Who didn’t invite me? Why didn’t I get invited?
Seahorse - Sea HELL. What is this? Get real. I’m in love with sea horses. I’m in love with ‘em. They’re so beautiful and cute - I’m in love with the seahorses. They’re fuckin’ unreal, I love them.

They’re like all the clocks - I love them. I love sea horses. And I love lookin’ at ‘em.
And I love SEA SHELLS. I love sea shell things. I love things with sea shells and sea horses on ‘em. Like blankets, and towels, and little bags. I love ‘em.

Sea horses. For-eva.

Ladies in Lingerie Coming Soon....

There girls are the finalists in the Doctor Teeth Ladies in Lingerie Contest for Spring 2013.  Vote Now!!!!!!!!!

 

Cards and Letters

I've decided to post a few random letters I have received from readers.  Not everyone is a fan, but most are.....


Dear Doc Teeth-

You can't be for real!! You are a sick and disgusting asshole hiding behind a pretend façade.  You were obviously beaten as a child and probably set on fire.  Go to hell! Your blog sucks and go fuck yourself.

-Richard Jenkins
Naperville Illinois
******************************
Dear Dr. T-

You sick fucking bastard!!  I hope you rot in hell!!!! Fuck off!!!

-Gayle Swain
Lombard Illinois
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Dear Doctor Teeth-

Seriously this shit cracks me up! You are so funny. And I love the hot girls.  Keep it up and stay funny!!  I look forward to your blogs.

-Deshawn Johnson
Chicago Illinois
*****************************

Doctor Teeth-

Just another Conservative, Porno addicted asshole hiding behind a made up persona.  Why don'y you grow some balls and show us who you really are.  I bet you are a little child of a man who never had any friends.

-Name Withheld
Crete Illinois
***************************

Dear Doc Teeth-

You show some hot girls on your blog, but are they as hot as me and my friends? (PHOTO INCLUDED)


-Amanda Cullen
Roselle Illinois

Hey Amanda, I think you and your girlfriends are super hot and I wanna invite you all over to my place for an after-hours party!!!!!!!!!!!!


That's it for today everybody.  More cards and letters to come soon.........

Women Chatting in Starbucks

Sitting here at Starbucks listening to two women next to me talking about men and dating makes me wanna stick hot ice picks into my ears.


But I imagine what it must sound like to hear two men sitting next to me talking about vagina's and sex....


In truth the Good Doctor is just tired this morning and really doesn't want to hear anyone talking.

Proceed with caution my loyal readers.

I Never Put My Name on Anything

I don't put my name on just anything. I am not going to be used to sell your shitty product.

People have asked me time and time again to help them sell their product.  I just won't do it.

Here are a few I have turned down.





I just refuse to push a product on the American People, but China.....that's another story....and so is India, Saudi Arabia, Africa, Canada, Antarctica, and Europe....

Happy Memorial Day and Odds and Ends

Ok what is wrong with that Title?

Why would anyone say Happy?  Memorial Day only exists because soldiers have died, violently and usually needlessly.  So what the fuck is so happy about it?

People have accused me of being anti-soldier and anti-military, which is completely false. I am pro military, because I am counting on the military to one day help the people of the United States over throw the government.

I am anti-pointless wars.  Since 911, how many wars have we gotten into?  I count enough to fill a fucking bingo card.

Whether it be George Hitler Bush or Barack Osama Obama Bin Laden, we have mired ourselves in so many useless and illegal war and military actions.


So get it right...... I am Anti-Government as every muppet should be.

**********************************************************

In other news, I am at a complete loss for words as to how the FAST AND FURIOUS franchise keeps getting better.  6 movies later and the films are getting better and making more money.
Am I the only one who loses IQ points every time Vin Diesel talks?

If it weren't for those movies, Vin and Paul Walker would be sweeping up a Walmart on the overnight shift.
********************************************************
PLENTY OF FAKES.com

And what's the deal with women on dating sites posting photo's of themselves that make them appear lighter than they truly are.  What do they expect to happen when they show up for a date and the guy notices that they are 40 lbs heavier than in their picture?  Is the guy shallow or is the girl a fucking liar?

Don't pretend to be someone you're not. I don't.

I am a 57 year old perverted muppet who snorts drain cleaner and sleeps with homeless whores.  We just gotta be who we gotta be.




By the way my buddy Oscar has fallen on hard times and he will muppet for food. And he is one hell of a muppet-fucker who muppets the hell out of a muppet.

Memorial Day Sexy Fun Girls

Its Memorial Day and what better way to celebrate than to post pictures of hot women. 

TERRORISM-GITMO-KOOL AID

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Doctor Teeth Hits GITMO

Ok so a weekend of severe partying, did you know that you can snort Nutmeg, and probably catching STD's from at least 9 different homeless prostitutes, the FBI and Dept of Homeland Security came knocking on my door.

They found me. 


I told them I was doing a shitty documentary about a celebrity going crazy, but they weren't having it.  Turns out I'm not a legal US citizen, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH MOM AND DAD, and they wanted to question me about the uprising and revolts led by my ten year old adopted son TIBOR.


Fucking TIBOR is always getting me into trouble. Otherwise he is cock-blocking me with the ladies. He may be ten but he is so fucking hung.  He got that from his mother.

TIBOR tried to access the White House via the internet, not as a Hacker, but literally crawled inside the internet and shoveled his way toward the white house.  He saw TRON too many times.

So until the Dept of Homeland Security can locate TIBOR, they have decided to use me as bait, and toss my ass in GITMO.

All the prisoners here have been kind.  They welcomed me with open arms.  Seems they are in the middle of a Hunger Strike.


These 3 guys are my cell mates.

I decided that the hunger strike was stupid so I eat, and eat a lot.  I like to wave it in their faces to make them jealous.

How long is the US Government gonna use me as collateral to catch TIBOR?

Where the fuck is Tibor?  I got drugs too do.  Blogs to write.  And whores to bore.

If you are reading this Tibor....

I am going to fucking kill you.  I am going to skin your body and wear your skin like a raincoat.

I am done covering for you.

I am...........

THIS BLOG HAS BEEN HACKED(@*#@!()*(&@!!!!......TRANSMISSION OVERRIDE.....

Dear old Daddy Teeth.....

This is TIBOR...


We are coming for you.................................

Barack Obama

Ok, everyone who voted for this cocksucker owes me an apology. I'll take it in the form of a Birthday Card.  Thank you.......

CRAIGSLIST READERS UNITE

I have been advertising my blog on in between searching for an apartment, a guy to play with my furry balls and  FREE STUFF.

Welcome readers. Please leave a comment or seven.

Thanks.....

Michael Jackson: My interview with Bubbles

It has been four years since Michael Jackson died, and recently I had a chance to sit down for an interview with Bubbles, his chimp companion.


Bubbles and Michael circa 1986.

DOCTOR TEETH: So how have you been holding up since MJ died?

BUBBLES: Me? I'm doing fucking great. I got a $35 million cash award from MJ's estate to keep my mouth shut about certain aspects of my relationship with Michael.  So for the duration of this interview I am going to be telling you some fucked up shit about this guy I know names Dewey.

DOCTOR TEETH:  Did you and Dewey ever engage in odd behaviors?

BUBBLES: Dewey locked me in that sleeping chamber one night and farted into it through a hose.  Have you ever smelt the farts of a dude like Dewey. They were so squeaky but damn they smelled like melting skin.

DOCTOR TEETH: What else?

BUBBLES: Well this is hard for me, because I am totally hetero, but Dewey used to play with my penis. He would say it was like a furry baby boy's pee pee.  I mean, what the fuck was that all about? I was young, of course my shit was a bit small, but now it looks like this....

Bubbles penis circa 2013

BUBBLES cont.: I mean my cock looks like a black water slide.  Dewey would run screaming from the room whenever I pulled it out, after I got a bit older.

DOCTOR TEETH: How did your relationship evolve over the years?

BUBBLES: It devolved.  I wasn't immune to the loss of interest once I got older.  Dewey loves you when your young, innocent, and a virgin, but once he's plyed you with Jesus Juice and spread the anus, you become used and too old.  I'd say if Dewey could have a friend remain eight forever, he'd have been so happy.  He fell in love with 8 year old boys all the time, but then they turned nine and he was like, "When the fuck did you get so old?" And he'd kick them out.  I had to keep changing my D.O.B. on my birth certificate to keep him off my ass.

DOCTOR TEETH: Rumors have swirled for years that Michael was a drug addict.  What can you say about this?

BUBBLES: LMAO!!! Let me tell you.  Those of us in his inner circle used to call him Whitney. (a reference to singer Whitney Houston who died in 2011 of a drug overdose.) Dewey always had the best drugs.  He wasn't just happy with cocaine and alcohol. No, this rich motherfucker would smoke frogs, and have his friends break into pharmacies and steal the craziest shit. One weekend we shot up this stuff that paralyzed our bodies for sixteen hours. I thought I was dead.  Then it turned out Dewey hadn't taken it, so he went around and made us all suck his penis.

DOCTOR TEETH: And how did that affect you?

BUBBLES:  You need to realize that Dewey had the penis of a newborn, and couldn't last more then nine seconds.  So him forcing you to suck his dick was not all that bad.  Afterward he would freak out, "God is angry with me." And he'd run around with a scrubber and bleach and pour it over himself.  That was really the beginning of his black to white transformation.

DOCTOR TEETH:  How did his transformation affect you?

DEWEY: I went up to him one day and said, "Look, you was born a niggar, and you gonna die a niggar.  You got's to deal wit dat shit."  Dewey wouldn't accept that he was black.  He used to tell people he was born in Beverly Hills, but he wasn't fooling no one. One look at the other Jackson's and you knew he was black.

DOCTOR TEETH: So what's next for you?

BUBBLES: Well I am consultant on the new Planet of the Apes movie.  I also do some amateur porn. I am writing a book called, M***AEL J***SON: The Niggar Who Took My Virginity, about my lost weekend with Dewey and Macauley Caulkin......how the fuck you spell that shit?  And I'm just trying to survive.  I have undergone a lot of therapy, shock treatments and mind erasure.  I can still taste that man on my tongue and I eat shit.  Dewey fucked up a lot of peoples lives.

DOCTOR TEETH: Are you glad he's dead?

BUBBLES: Oh he ain't dead.  This is all vamping before his super duper super friends comeback tour.  Dewey has been cryogenically frozen like Han Solo in Empire.  He left instructions to thaw him in 2012, but the fatal flaw in his plan was that once they got him frozen and under control, they planned to leave him that way.  Dewey done fucked up.  He alive, but he's just a vanilla/chocolate popsicle.

DOCTOR TEETH:  This is amazing news.  Do you have any proof of this?





BUBBLES: Ask the National Enquirer. They literally know everything........

TV SITCOMS in REALITY

So I have been looking over some old tv sitcoms and realized they are so unbelievable.  I have broken down a few shows to say what would really happen if those show's were real life.....


DIFFRENT STROKES:  Arnold and Willis are two black orphans adopted by a rich white guy and go to live with him and his daughter and the maid.

TRUTH:  Arnold and Willis would show up and tie up Mr. Drummond after they've slashed the Maid's throat.  Willis would invite his friends over and rape Kimberly over and over.  And then after leaving her for dead, they'd rob the place and shoot Mr. Drummond in the head; of course while aiming the pistol sideways.
_________________________________________________________________________
SILVER SPOONS:  Rick is the spoiled kid of a very rich father; himself a big kid at heart.

TRUTH: Ricky and his friends would sit around that house while his father was off in Tahoe fucking the assistant.  Rick and his friends would be snorting coke and crystal meth while fucking strippers. Rick would occasionally call over his friend Alphonso who he met on craigslist and suck his cock.
_______________________________________________________________________________

FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR:  Will goes to live with his rich uncle and family after getting in trouble for being a shitty rapper.

TRUTH:  After the first three episodes Will would be the victim of a senseless shooting and the show would be over.

___________________________________________________________________________

FULL HOUSE:  3 Single Dads raise one the Dad's three young girls.

TRUTH: The Dad would have found someone to adopt these kids and not ruin the rest of his fucking life being stuck with these brats.  His two friends would assist him in either finding someone to adopt them or at least help in hiding the bodies.
_________________________________________________________________________________

WEBSTER: Orphaned kid goes to live with his dead father's former teammate.

TRUTH: Webster was so short and tiny that he would have been the victim of repeated bullying and beat downs.  Ultimately Webster would be found hanging in a closet from a shoe string. Dead.  His parents would be on GMA, TODAY, etc talking about the horrors of bullying.

SMALL WONDER: Dad builds a robot girl and hilarity ensues.

TRUTH: This is too fucking easy.  The dad would fuck the robot any chance he got, and so would his son.  At night the mom would sneak in for a lesbian session.  Am I the only one who see's this sitcom as a pedophilia/Incest- Porn movie.
__________________________________________________________________________________



There are so many shows to cover and so little time. I will uncover the truth behind these plot lines as time allows.

FRIDAY SEXY FUN GIRLS: Doctor Fan Mail

Here are some Super Sexy Friday Fun Girls that have sent in photo's to Doctor Teeth....


Jenna from Orland Park Illinois, likes Brad Pitt and The Twilight Trilogy.
Also likes Anal Play on weekends.



Lindsey, Crest Hill IL, loves the new tits her dad bought her on her 18th.

Rochelle, is from Franklin Park IL and is eager to get her start in Porn. 
She did her first solo scene last month, only forgot that a camera was
needed to actually record the scene.

Chantal, woke up this morning and asked herself, "Where the fuck
did this tattoo come from?"  She is 20 and hails from Oak Park, IL.

And finally I just had to add this one in.  Its my cousin and she is really lonely.


Greta is 24 and loves anything she can get her hands on.  The last three guys she fucked...she ate.
She lives in my Aunt's basement in the town of Elgin IL.

More hotties as the photo's come in.

What Happened to American TV????

I was watching TV the other night; something I never do, and I caught a show that was like Musical Chairs on crack.  The contestants had to run an obstacle course to get to the chairs and then each chair had a $$$ value and the one on the lowest valued chair was eliminated.  Its called OH SIT! Ohh yeah I get the double entendre.....

What a fucking horrible show on ABC, that also airs WIPEOUT, a blatant rip off of Spike TV's hysterical MXC Challenge, which itself was just footage taken from an old Japanese Game Show with new dialogue dubbed over.

Then we got all of these fucking shows...

American Idol
So You Think You Can Dance
The Voice
Dancing With the Stars

Shit they even got a new show, of course on ABC, called Splash where a bunch of fucking loser has been d-list celebs dive into a pool.

I can't wait for these new shows I have created to air....


How Far Can I Pee
Celebrity Farting
Guess the Cum Shot
Survivor: Afghanistan
The Biggest Loser: Weight Gain Edition



Just give me a fucking handful of stupid sitcoms like the old days.

I miss Diffrent Strokes, Webster and Silver Spoons.

WEBSTER is one fresh looking motherfucker.


With each TV season it gets easier and easier to NOT WATCH TV.  The garbage I have listed doesn't even begin to cover the shit on CABLE..... Duck Fuckers, Storage Sales, Kardashian Mamograms, etc....

Think I'll go for a walk....

Hookers or Real Women

I am tired of the dating scene.  Women are all looking for guys to drop $150 on a date and still not put out. Or you drop $150 on a date and there is no second date.

Maybe I'm cheap or just poor due to all those years snorting Angel Dust in the back of a VW, but I mean come on when are you no longer a single woman and just a WHORE?

The following was taken from this chicks profile on POF...

Just dont be cheap because thats a huge turn off for me, especially if you have the nerve to be like 45 and your trying to talk to me and think you dont have to have to buy me sh!t to keep me interested... like HELLO. LOL okay Im not a gold digger but if your older please dont message me expecting not to have to take me shopping or something, if your young and hot different rules apply!



She's 23 and I would fuck her, but come on with the gold digging, take me shopping and buy me shit attitude.  Maybe its just code for, "I am a for hire hooker."

So I messaged her and told her I would pay her $200 for 45 minutes of her time. We are currently in negotiation.  I told her no date, no shopping, nothing other than paying her $200 for her time.

She asked me what I wanted and I told her I just wanted her to stand in one place for 45 minutes NAKED while I watched TV and ignored her.

I am still waiting on her response.  But I am sure she won't pass up the chance to make $200 in 45 minutes because that is what women are really about.....MONEY.

Fuck you!!! Pay my way, take me shopping, buy me the Soprano's box set and I'll let you let me cum in your face you miserable whore.


Girls like this give women a bad name.  Maybe I should just write you a check and just send you on your way......

Where are the real women at?



PS: SHE SAID YES and I AM CURRENTLY GIVING HER MY ADDRESS. I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH HER SIT OUT IN THE PARKING LOT WHILE I NEVER ANSWER THE DOOR!!!

Jodi Arias: The Most Amazing Act of Self Defense Ever

So after my secret girlfriend JODI ARIAS was found guilty yesterday of slashing her ex-boyfriend's throat and stabbing him 27 times then shooting him, my family sat me down for a talk.

"It was self-defense Dr. Teeth.", they told me over and over again, but I didn't want to believe it.

I told them she shot him, then decided, "No I don't want to do it this way.", then she slashed his throat but stopped and said, "This isn't the way either."  Then she stabbed him a few times but realized that her grip on the knife was all wrong so she regripped it and stabbed, then all the blood made the knife loose so she had to regrip it again and stab again. 



So I believe she did do this in self defense and indecisiveness.  Had she preplanned out her method, she would have been blamed for premeditation, but she didn't; she figured it out as she went and just couldn't make a decision that day, so she defended herself in several ways, all making it seems as if she was just a murderous tyrant.

That's not the Jodi I know.  The Jodi I know has fake tits, and dyes her hair depending on the sun.  She won the jail house singing contest and wears cool assed glasses.  This is the Jodi I know.


Jodi told me if I help bust her out of jail that we could be together forever....or at least until the police returned her gun.


These men abused Jodi while she was behind bars. 

Jodi told me she would rather die than get life in prison.  She said death is the ultimate freedom.

Let's make sure Jodi gets her wish.

Superhero's: Generation Next

So recently while watching Iron Man 3, I realized that the face of Superhero movies had changed.
With the release of about 500 comic movies this year and next, I noticed a new trend.

Back in the day....god I love that cliche, but back in the day Superhero's existed for one single purpose and that was to save the day from crime and criminals and monsters and aliens and all kinds of crazy shit.

The Superhero's were one dimensional and that was good enough for everyone, but now.....

The new generation of Superhero movies exist to show us almost solely the tortured souls these superdudes possess.

It all started with the Dark Knight.  Man does that fucker need some Prozac.  As the movies progressed Batman was featured less and Bruce Wayne was featured more.  These movies were not about a superhero who happened to be Bruce Wayne, but rather Bruce Wayne and the pressure of being a superhero.  So much pressure! So much overtime, so little pay.

The new Superman movie looks like the same thing.  Human looking alien sent to Earth for the sole purpose of saving our stupid asses from all the stupid shit we do.

Listen to this Crash Test Dummies Song to learn about how hard it is too be Superman.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihUIPlLw2ZE

Now we come to Iron Man; part 3 features Tony Stark barely ever in his Iron Man costume.  Let's face it, the care free, smug attitude of Tony is way more fun than watching a CGI'd Iron Man beating up some random "bad guy".

So Iron Man does the opposite of those other films and instead of showing a tortured soul, although he does now suffer from panic attacks in part 3, we see how much fun he has being rich.  Bruce Wayne was rich but not nearly as happy.

But Iron Man, like the others, is continuing this trend of keeping the Superhero out of the Supersuit.  We are spending so much more time with the man behind the mask.  I like this, but at some point this trend will grow old.

"Why so serious?!", asked the Joker.  And I agree.  Why so fucking serious guys?!?!!

I would love to see a superhero movie that plays like the Soprano's where the superdude goes to see Dr. Melfi and we watch these long, drawn out therapy sessions where he talks  about being bullied and having self doubt and a small porn addiction and a hatred toward Mexicans or something.

Melvin Furd. Teased and tortured until he jumped out of a window and became....


The Toxic Avenger.  A deformed, B-movie Superhero suffering from total radiation poisoning and fucking blind porno actresses.

We need a big budget movie version of this guy and watch him struggle with being bullied and how he overcame it simply by falling into toxic waste.

Coming SUMMER 2015 with a budget of $900 million.

Weir Going to Rehab

So the Bob Weir saga gets jucier as time the hours go by.

First was his crabby attitude back in early March during a show at his bar the Sweetwater when he stormed off stage during a performance of Dylan's, A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall.  Seems the audience pissed him off by talking to much so he left.  He returned for the second set with his Ratdog Quartet, and passive aggresively told the audience, "Don't worry we're not gonna try anything to delicate."

They made it through the set, but during the Dylan's, Knockin' On Heaven's Door, encore, Bob again got annoyed with the loud crowd and yelled out, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ohhhhh Bobby, you are performing in a small venue with people who chat, even if they shouldn't.  The smaller the venue, the louder the chatter boxes are.  It's just part of the deal man!!!

Then we fast forward to April 25th, when a clearly drugged and out of it Bob Weir struggled to make it through a performance until he fell over on stage, finished the song and then was done for the night while Phil Lesh and the rest of the band finished the show.

Two days later, Bob was back on stage and seemed fine. So I guess Phil Lesh's shoulder injury claim and the rumors that Weir took Ambien instead of 12 Vicodin, weren't true!! (tongue in cheek)

Weir's "shoulder injury" made Garcia's worst moments on stage not seem all that bad, fueling speculation that Bob was struggling with alcohol, pain killers, or god forbid Heroin.

And what a shame if Bob is struggling with Heroin at the age of 65, 18 years after the drug played a part in his friend and band mates death.  Jerry's 15 year decline should have been enough to keep Weir from that sinister drug.

But I digress, no one knows nothing.  Weir's demeanor on stage at the Capitol Theater would indicate inhebriation; but from what?????

He was definitely, not on this planet mentally.

So now Weir is off to rehab to deal with EXHAUSTION, which is code in the celebrity world for DRUG ADDICTION.

It's a shame.  But I guess we will never know the true story, just the spun one.

Maybe after Weir dies, someone will write a book, but I am not going to wait around. I know that he's a hard worker, and an amazing musician.  I just hope he doesn't spend what few years he has left tarnishing that reputation by going down the road feelin' bad.....