Celebrities Under the Age of 21 I'd Like to Fuck

1. Dakota Fanning- This chick has turned into a fucking hot little blonde with a nice tight little ass and a fresh, I haven't been fucked face. She is 19 and ready to fucking par-tay!!!!!!!!


2. Miley Cyrus- Ever since the 2013 AMA's this crazy broad got even crazier and I bet she would take it up the ass after three lines of cocaine.  She also probably snorts bath salts and smoke Spice, so she wouldn't remember a thing.  Damn she is fucking fine.



3. Chloë Grace Moretz - Ever since hearing her say the word CUNT and seeing her wear a school girls outfit in KICK ASS, I wanted to make this bitch my sex slave. I, unfortunately have to wait a year since the age of consent in Illinois is 17, unless I take her to Canada or some shit.  She just has this look like, "Please fuck me Dr. Teeth, I'm so hot."


4. Abigail Breslin- Ever since I watched her refuse to drink water in SIGNS and then take on zombies in ZOMBIELAND I knew this young hottie had to be added to my list of under 21 celebrities I'd love to fuck. She is tight, hot and ready to party.  She looks like a young Linda Lovelace.



5.  Elle Fanning- Damn, I get two take on two Fannings at once.  Dakota and Elle, meet my muppet penis.  Let's do this. Or wait, maybe we need to go to Canada to do this since the age of consent is like 14 or some low shit.



I'm sure as time goes on this list will grow longer and harder and throbbing....AHEM...sorry about that, but as long as Hollywood keeps sexualizing these young hotties, I will be there to dream about them.

Its not illegal to fantasize and hell these girls are all at least 16 so where is the crime?! Where is the crime I ask you!!!!



***My attorney advised me to write THIS IS A PARODY here in case people don't get it. I saw fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.***

Miley Cyrus Cuntroversey

Everyone is chatting up the internet about Miley Cyrus's LSD crazed semi-porno performance on MTV's AMA's.  I didn't even know MTV associated itself with music anymore.

Her performance supposedly disgusted everyone, but lets face it, no one was disgusted, they just needed something to talk about. American Boredom.

Monday morning came and everyone was comparing this 20 yr old whore to Lady Gaga's whorish look and act also.  Both girls, although I am not sure Gaga is a woman, both took the stage looking like they left the set of a porn shoot although at least Miley put clothes back on while Gaga continued to strut around naked.

This is what music has come to.

People are saying this will hurt Miley's career, but lets be realistic, this will help her career and maybe she can stop trying to convince us she is no longer Hannah Montana.


The fact is this is what makes careers. And just wait it'll be a year or two more before there is footage on the internet of Miley sucking a huge cock or masturbating.

All of these girls are pathetic.  Music in general is pathetic.

Black rappers all fighting in made up fights.
Female singers all trying to out-whore each other.
Justin Beiber who looks like a butch lesbian who smokes weed, races cars, fucks monkeys and is just a pathetic loser.

And then there are all the others who just make plain old boring pop, studio created music that all sounds like the same bubble gum crap.

Miley did a great thing and people will be downloading her music, and she will be interviewed endlessly and she will make a lot more magazine covers.

But after you've shocked people the only thing left is to make good music or make hardcore porn.

I am voting for a hardcore porn XXX video.

Cum On Miley.....

POF ADVICE: Dating Online

Ok so I am on this really lame fucking dating site called Plenty of Fish and I see a lot of common mistakes made by women in their profiles so I thought I'd offer some advice and tips for them.

1. BOOBS- If your pictures feature you showing a major amount of cleavage or half naked then don't write in your profile that you are not looking for a FWB, or one night stand, etc., keep your boobs in your shirt if you want to be taken seriously and not just contacted for sex.

2. STAY IN/GO OUT-  So many profiles say, "I like to get dressed up and go out, but I also like to wear sweats and stay in.." Well, who the fuck doesn't. That comment is so redundant. 

3. DRAMA- Why do you feel the need to tell everyone you are not looking for drama. I mean, who the fuck is looking for drama?  Do we really not already know that you are not looking for drama?  If you were looking for drama you would right that in your profile so it's assumed your not.

4. BEST FRIEND- Don't post pictures of you posing with your friends who are much hotter than you. It just makes men want to know who "that" person is rather than you.

5. GUY PICS- Why post pictures of you with other guys?  Even if you say this is your Bestie or your BFF or your cousin, it still sends the message that you may have posted a photo of you with your boyfriend. It doesn't help your cause that your posing with other guys. Do you wanna see guy pics with them posing with other women?

6. KIDS- Don't put your fucking kids out on a dating website. Come on! Get a clue.  Protect their privacy.  And if you don't have kids, pics of you posing with your nieces and nephews just makes you seem desperate.

7. WEIGHT- If you are overweight, fat, or obese, the man is gonna find out at some point, so don't just post photo's of extreme close-ups of your face. And don't say your body type is average or a few extra pounds when it is clear that you are morbidly obese. Own up to who you are and what you look like. It shows more character and class.

8.  FIRST CONTACT- Its ok ladies to contact a guy first. We don't bite, unless you want us too. It is the 21st Century. Get over it.

9.  FIRST DATE- I hate when women write, "You plan, I show." That's just arrogant and rude.  And I also don't like that so many people wanna drink alcohol on their first date.  Let's not rely on alcohol to make us comfortable and remember too much alcohol makes us easy.

10. ENDLESS EMAILS- Seriously if your looking for a pen pal there are plenty of inmates that would love to write letters back and forth.  And if you are just looking for friends, join a club not a dating website.  At some point you need to move off the site and into the real world.

11. SEX- I realize many women pretend they are looking for a relationship to vet out all the emails they get from men's penis's, when they really just want to get laid. Hey its ok, we all wanna have sex. But just remember that when you fuck a guy within the first hour of meeting that most likely the guy will never wanna date you because he knows you're a whore and you probably can't be trusted. That's the trap.  Guys want you to be a whore, but once you are they will use it against you. 

12 THE PROCESS- Twenty emails, five phone calls, a coffee date just to see if you click and wanna go out on a date seems like a lot of effort and wasted time. Just get on the phone, then use the coffee as the date and decide.  But this whole fucking process feels like a Scavenger Hunt.  Just grow a pair and meet someone in a public place and figure it out.

13. PICS- Why would you even post a picture that is more than two years old? Your pictures need to be of what you look like right now. The person I am meeting is today not two years ago or longer. If you're forty I don't care what you looked like at 20 because you don't look like that now. And I don't expect you oo.

14. WEIGHT pt 2- Don't write in your profile that you are aware of your weight issues and that you are working on it, or that you accept you for you.  If you are or you did then you wouldn't feel the need to mention it.  Don't tell me you're losing weight, just go lose it.  And if you accept yourself for who you are then just leave it at that.  It shows more character.  But telling me you're working on it is like making a false promise that one day you'll be attractive. If I don't think you're attractive now then I don't deserve you and you don't want to be with me.


I am sure there are other things to write about but I am busy trying to convince this chick that I am a stock broker who makes $95,000 a year so she'll fuck me so I gotta run........

Jerry Garcia watches his own Performances

I was wondering the other day that if Jerry Garcia was still alive and hopefully sober, then what would be his reaction to watching footage of his concert performances in 1995.

I can imagine him, five years clean, sitting alone in a room and watching how his health and his addiction completely destroyed his performances and his ability to play.

I know he was self aware of his inability to perform, but what would it have been like a few years later, looking back through clean and sober eyes, at how awful his condition was and therefore how awful his performances were.

It reminds me of when David Hasselhoff''s daughter recorded him when he was drunk trying to eat a cheeseburger.  What must have crossed his mind when he watched that tape later on.

Jerry 1995
Jerry 1993

Look at the two pictures, and see how much he declined in just two years.  Its sad that at 53 he looked like he was 81, but in some weird way at least we got to see what Jerry might have looked like had he ever achieved old age.

Its been said before that truly special, magical artists are usually short timers on this planet, but does that always have to be true?

At least Jerry in 1995 didn't look like Jerry in 1981....


As a recovering addict I wish Jerry would have gotten a chance to hear his performances. And what do I know maybe he did. There was a reason he turned his volume down in the mix during the final months.

At the end of the day I would love to be able to read an interview where Jerry reflects on his years of addiction and what it did to his music, but that would also mean Jerry would still be with us and I think truly that is what I wish for the most.

But I would rather have him dead as an addict then alive if he wasn't ever going to recover.

And with his track record, I don't think he would have cleaned up his act in 1995 if he hadn't died. I think Jerry was meant to be an active addict until the end.

That's what happens when you're rich, and surrounded by people who won't tell you the truth.

Celebrity's a bitch.  Just ask Jerry.

Al Queda Summer Camp

I recently got a letter from my adopted son Tibor who has spent most of the summer at an Al Queda Summer Camp in Afghanistan....

Dear Father-

I hope this letter finds you well. I am having a great time at Al Queda Summer Camp for Children.  I have learned so many things this summer that will serve me in the future.  Our first week was spent hunting down women who made eye contact.  We set them on fire and then ate them.  It was the only meal we got the whole first week. 

This is me and the bitch I cooked.  She was so tasty.


We spent time in flight simulators.  I know how to fly and American Airline jet.  Odd thing is they didn't teach us take offs or landings.  And our simulator was aimed at important US monuments and points of interest.  If we hit the bulls-eye we got 100%.  Needless to say I am so good I got extra credit.



We learned bomb making, and it turns out I created the worlds smallest shoe bomb that is nuclear.  Kirstie Alli Jabar Shabazz says I was born for Al Queda.  I have converted to Islam because Ice Cube said in his 1991 album Death Certificate, "Islam nigga's are the craziest...", so I wanted to be like that.

This is my troop leader Sheik Abdul Cube.  He said I could grow a beard like his one day.

We just spent a few days at a place called Bengazi.  I thought that was the cream you put on sore muscles. We freed a bunch of people who have now joined our camp.  I love making new friends.

Tomorrow we are learning how to fuck goats......uhm, I think I will take the day off.


I can't wait for the summer to end because I decided what I am going to do for my final project here at Al Queda Summer Camp for Kids.....

I'M GONNA KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THESE GOAT RAPING COCKSUCKERS....



These fuckers trained me to be a killer, so I am going to use my training against them.  I will avenge the United States of America.

Dearest Daddy, if I do not come home, just know that these Nike's helped save a nation.



With Warmest Regards-

Tibor

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker Interviewed by Doctor Teeth

Recently I had the unfortunate luck to sit down with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker from the Fast and Furious Franchise.  These two had just gotten done getting Vin his rabies shots and flea collar and they agreed to sit down and talk with Doctor Teeth about life, movies and being born retarded.

Doctor Teeth:  Well its a...well its.....well thanks.....hey guys.

Vin Diesel:  Derp Durr Drurl Doop Dippity...

Doctor Teeth: What the fuck?

Paul Walker: He said its great to meet you Mr. Teeth.

Doctor Teeth: That's Doctor. You really understood what he said?

Paul Walker: Yes, of course. I understand everything Vin says.  That is why we are in all the same movies together.  In each of Vin's movie contracts is The Paul Walker Clause.  Since I am the only one that can understand him they put me in his movies so I can translate what he says to the director.

Vin Diesel: gooop derrp dooort.

Doctor Teeth:  Is he retarded?

Paul Walker: He's just misunderstood. (Paul proceeds to pet Vin's bald head.)

I proceed to hold up random objects in front of Vin, who becomes excited.

Doctor Teeth: What is this Vin? (Holding up a pencil)

Vin Diesel:  Peerp.

Doctor Teeth: Well that word started with a P so I guess he said pencil.

Paul Walker goes into his pocket and removes something and puts it in Vin's mouth.
Vin becomes excited and claps his hands together happily.

Doctor Teeth: Was that some sort of treat?

Paul Walker:  Yes its a bit of spam. Vin loves spam as a treat.

I proceed to light a cigarette and the flame from my lighter agitates Vin.

Vin: Fire.....bad....fire....bad!!!!!!

Vin stands up and proceeds to wreck my office, flipping over books and smashing things.

Vin Diesel:  VIN SMASH!!!!!!

Paul Walker shrieks like a bitch with a skinned knee.

Paul Walker:  You've upset him you silly!! You upset him.

Paul pulls out a leash and tosses it on Vin who fights and resists.

Paul Walker: Its ok Vin. Its ok. Pauly is here.

Vin calms down and rests his head on Paul's shoulder.

Vin Diesel:  Paul.....good....deerrrp drooo diiip.

Doctor Teeth: Can I just say something at this point?

Vin Diesel:  Deeep???!!

Paul Walker:  Sure.

Doctor Teeth:  Get the fuck out of my office before I put a shotgun up both of your asses and pull the trigger until it goes click.

Paul and Vin get up and hurry out of the room.  I suspected something was off about Vin Diesel when they added subtitles and a Bane sounding voice over to his voice in his latest movies.  Was Vin born retarded, or did he have a horrible accident that TMZ failed to tell us about.

I will get to the bottom of this and report back soon......

These guys had to have met on Craigs List.



Tell me this Popeye character doesn't look like Vin Diesel.

Gluten Free Is Everywhere!! HELP ME!!!!!

A hoax has been perpetrated on the American People; a hoax that makes Jesus, Santa Claus and the Holocaust pale in comparison.  This is a hoax that has caused some sort of mass hysteria amongst the public.  It appears to be air-borne, and Oprah Winfrey is believed to be Patient Zero.  This hoax is simply known as GLUTEN FREE.  At some point one person ate some gluten and went off on a trip the likes of which no non- Deadhead has ever witnessed.  There are scores of people all over the land who are now either allergic to gluten or are afraid of the addictive and supposedly deadly effects of gluten.   Every restaurant now has Gluten Free menus.  Diners are now asking questions about every item in every dish a restaurant serves.  “Is this gluten free”, well the last time I checked no body was charging extra for gluten so I am sure it comes free with the dish. 

But it is not good enough. Some people react to gluten like the devil reacts to Holy Water.  They are angry at it.  They are afraid of it. 

When did the American public turn into such fraidy-cats?  They can’t have gluten, or dairy, or meat, or peanuts, or shellfish, or hydrogen dioxide.  Get over it people.  The flour in your food is not going to harm you.  If you want to eat like an animal living off the land then go graze on a farm, and do not go into restaurants or stores anymore.  Eat the fucking grass on the ground.  Chew a branch on a tree. Starve for all I care, but enough of this irrational fear of gluten.  It has always been there and it always will be.  You will not escape it.  It knows you.  It knows where you live.  It knows what you fear.  Deal with it.

Snort, suck, chew, gulp and fuck as much gluten as you can.  You will survive. 

I did……….