Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Santa Is Dead

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus so I told my dad and he shot Santa and divorced my mom who now lives on the streets!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Speaking In Code

Whenever a girl calls me "sir" she is speaking in code. What she is really saying is,"You're to old to fuck me!"

Wisdom?

Its A Fucked Up Life (The Real Its A Wonderful Life)

Every year at Christas time we get to watch the holiday classic, "It's A Wonderful Life" starring James Stewart, Donna Reed and Lionel Barrymore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJfZaT8ncYk

I used to love that movie, until recently I realized there was something very wrong with this movie and that is this movie lacks REVENGE.

The following text will attempt to describe and explain some scene's the way they should have played out, especially if the film was made today.

1. A young George realizes that Mr. Gower the Druggist has poisoned someone with a bad batch of drugs.  In the film George and Gower have a good cry after Gower slaps this shit out of George(more on that later).  Come on.  If I was George I would have either blackmailed Gower or would have dropped a dime on Gower and sent him to prison where he'd spend the rest of his days being some Mexican Gangs bitch in Oz.

2.  Upon hearing the accusation that he killed someone by being a drunk druggist, Gower proceeds to slap George repeatedly, especially in George's already damaged ear.  Come on  man!! George should have immediately called his sledding buddies and the lot of them should have come in at closing time, locked the door and beat the shit out of Mr. Gower until Gower either dies or agree's to leave town.  It seems obvious they didn't have 911 back in those days or else George could have had Gower arrested and to make sure the charges stuck he could have accused Gower of molestation.

3. In this "sue hungry" society we live in, after George's brother rides the shovel into the ice water, George's family should have sued the makers of the shovel, and the city of Bedford Falls, and won a lot of money in a cash settlement that in turn would have allowed Pa Baily to retire and not have to put up with Mr. Potter's bullshit.

4.  When George runs into Violet, instead of making an ass of himself about wanting to see the world he should have told her that was really an innuendo for wanted to take her home and stretching out her ass and shoving his dick inside.  She wanted to fuck, not hear about his travel plans.  And she was obviously an easy target and look at the guys she was hanging with (obviously Made Men, but more on them later.)

5.  When George and Mary are on the phone with Sam Wainright and they suddenly and passionately drop the phone to the ground, George had his in to rape Mary, but instead he kisses her and marries her.  Come on dude, another woman was aching for the Baily Boner and you act the Gentleman.

6. Mr. Potter!!! What can I say but that the fact this miserly cocksucker got to see old age is an amazing feat.  Polio didn't take his legs from him, but probably some other dude he pissed off who didn't go beg all his friends to bail him out, but instead call the right "friends" to help with his problem.  Mr. Potter did nothing but live to fuck up the Bailey's lives, and they did nothing but stew in it and whine.  Pa Bailey easily could have put a bomb in Potter's car and dealt with his problems. But instead left Potter alive for George to have to deal with.  And Potter does everything to ruin the town. Now if this were Charming California, the SOA would have come in and put a pool cue up Potter's ass.  But in Bedford Falls we just get stressed out and whine.  When Potter finally steals that $8, 000 the foolish drunk Uncle Billy leaves lying around, it was time to go to the Mafia, ya know Violet's friends.  They could have paid Potter a visit, gotten the $8, 000 back and made Uncle Billy disappear for being a fucking embarassement to the family, but no George gets all fucked up on Angel Dust and spends 20 minutes of movie time hanging out with some fag looking Irish Angel who wants to get his wings.  George should have asked the Angel to get God to fuck some people up, but no George see's that he is better off alive and runs home.  While he was away all his friends, who have jobs and aren't losers have been running around emptying out their bank accounts and cutting up their mattresses to get George $8, 000.  George is lucky to have so many people willing to not eat for a month to help him because his drunk Uncle couldn't hang on to $8, 000.  If George had only gotten the mafia to take care of things, everyone else in town wouldn't have gone broke to save George's dumb ass.

At the end of the movie Harry Bailey says, "to my brother George the richest man I know." This is true because in real life George would have scooped up the money and in the middle of the night would have picked up Violet and made a mad dash to Mexico to live out the rest of their days, because with the amount of money George got, well over $8,000, they'd have lived like King and Queen for the rest of their lives, which back then was only until about 60. 

The movie is sweet, but lacks realism, and revenge. I hope someone remakes this classic movie and does it right by fucking up the drunks, thieves, and idiots the way they should be.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Life on the John

Sometimes my life feels like I'm on the shitter only to realize there is no more toilet paper!

Basketball Jones

I think the NBA season should be left to one single game with every A squad member from every team on the court left to play until the last man is standing. Punching, knives and guns would be allowed! Sharp Shooters in the stands also welcomed!

another al queda victory

So Demi and Ashton are getting divorced! I guess The Taliban really has won.

Jerry Garcia Meets Abbot and Costello Meets Frankenstein

Jerry Garcia talks about his first time seeing Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein.  An amazing interview and one of his last. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKUtyUmS4IE&feature=fvst

The Lost Blog

Oh how computers can make me want to kill armies of puppies.  I have just finished writing a 1000 work essay on my moment with Jerry Garcia on march 17th, 1994 when the computer decided to malfunction and then erase all that I had written.

Therefore my Jerry Garcia story remains hidden in the confines of my deranged brain meant to be let out another day. 

Instead of reading this great story, please watch the following clip with my sincere apologies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQCYMco_mqs&feature=related

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The No Vagina Beard

Whenever a woman removes her vagina from my life I like to grow a beard. Its as if the beard itself represents the bush of the female although I would never date a girl whose bush looked like my beard! Its more a rebellious statement to say," hey I don't need to be clean shave because currently there is no woman bitching how it scrapes her tender little face!" When another woman wants to cum my way the VaginaBeard will be shaven!

Dr. Teeth aka John interviews amazing Lexi Schafer 2004

The Saga of Keanu Reeves' Crotch In the Face of Dr. Teeth

I got up early that April morning back in 2004 and rolled over in bed to find two grams of cocaine spilled all over my lap.  I was panic stricken and immediately jumped up to recover ever last grain of heavenly powder that I could.  I brushed the white crystals from my chest hair and immediately inhaled what I could.  I was like a pack of wild wolves who have just surrounded a helpless bunny, ready for the gangbang and the murder.  I managed to save most of the cocaine and place it back in my vial.  My head was pounding like Neil Pearts drum set at the RUSH concert I had attended just two days earlier. 

I lit a joint and hopped into the shower, immediately rendering the joint useless. This was the start of a savagely demeaning morning.  But I had to get my act together and quick because I was invited to a taping of The Sharon Osbourne Show that day and was determined to come off less mind-sapped than Ozzy himself. 

The day seemed brighter once fresh water hit my hungover body and I was dressed.  Two more lines up my nose and I was ready to take on the world.  And with a Venti coffee from Starbucks in hand I was off on the 101 on my way to the set. 

Anyone who has ever driven the 101 or the 405 will know that actually moving is the miracle, so with that I took my pipe out of my pocket and proceeded to take the edge of the cocaine by smoking some Orange County Kush.  I took the smoke deep into my lungs and as I exhaled, the sun got brighter, the smog cleared and I was content.

I pulled into the parking lot of Sunset and with my all access pass in hand I approached the building for the taping.  On my way to the door, I happened by Juliet Lewis who looked at me like some uncaring and unforgiving lover who'd left her to pay not only for the cab ride, but the hotel room.

I gave her a hello, but she gave me a, "fuck off creep.", a sentiment I richly derserved but hadn't yet figured out why. It wasn't until I happened by a car side mirror that I noticed one nostril pancaked with white powder and the other trickly the smallest amount of blood.  Ok, I was guilty of public display of cocaine abuse, and Juliet Lewis wanted no part of it. I cleaned my nose and continued.

We were led inside the studio with my friend guaranteeing my a front row seat, but I was actually sat in the third row so I made sure to scratch him off my Christmas Card list that miserable bastard.  The show began.......

Sharon Osbourne came out looking like she'd escaped from the set of the Wizard of Oz, small and waifish, wearing $300,000 worth of baubles from her hair to down there.  She really had no business hosting a talk show, but the Osbournes were hot and there she was.  It took her five times to get the introduction right.

There was as small stage set up and Sharon introduced the band, some unheard of group of misfits calling themselves Becky.  There was nothing new or interesting about this band until NEO himself from the Matrix walked out carrying a bass.  I thought I was suffering cocaine related delusions, but no, Keanu Reeves was standing there looking smug and self assured. I hate that shit.

The crowd suddenly went nuts for Becky as if the Beatles had reunited and had Elvis as their opening act. It was then I heard the ovulating howls of three girls behind me.  It was deafening and irritating.  My ear drums vibrated and threatened to burst.  These three girls screamed so loud for so long, that Sharon was unable to let the band play. Of course the other members of Becky loved it as they'd never been privy to such adulation before and never would again.

I turned to spy these three Hispanic women, 60 pounds overweight, with makeup that looked like something out of Rocky Horror Picture Show, screaming uncontrollably as if caught up in some epileptic fit and seizing.  They just wouldn't stop their cattle call, and it was not obvious to them that time is money and they were wasting everyone's time.

It was that moment I looked around to see if someone was serving drinks so that I may order a Bloody Mary, but no such concession was offered and my head was starting to ache. No way I was going to dare do a few more bumps of cocaine for fear that Ozzy was somewhere near and would end up stealing my stash from me. I looked in that vial and could see some of my chest hairs tangled with that wonderful powder.

But the screaming, it just wouldn't stop.  So Superboy Keanu decided to be a hero and save the day.  He came running over to the audience which sent everyone else into a sort of 911 panic of excitement, confusion, and insanity.

Keanu leaned over and somehow stretched his arms far enough to fit around all three of these immensly well fed Hispanic women. There was only one problem...

Keanu leaned over me in order to hug them and it was at that moment I realized that I had a multi-million dollar crotch in my face.  I started to wonder if I had taken the red pill would Juliet Lewis' sweet pussy been jammed in my face instead of Neo's cock, but alas in the world I inhabited I has stuck sitting there for what seemed like an eternity with Keanu Reeves crotch right in my face, nearing my coffee stained mouth.

I couldn't move. It was like I was possessed by his manhood. I tried to look away but couldn't. He was just so close to my face holding it hostage with what I bet is no more than five inches of cock. 

He finished hugging the girls and went back on stage. I am sure to this day they are still bragging about getting a hug from Keanu Reeves, but what they'll never be able to say, and something I live with everyday, is that I had Keanu's cock practically in my mouth.

And in case you were wondering, I gargled with mouthwash for three hours when I got home.

Dr. Teeth meets Richard Franklin in 2003

Experiences and Article by Dr. Teeth (Entertainment Editor/Los Angeles)
“It’s not that often that you can meet a living legend – but, we did!” – Ron, Senior Editor/West Coast Pin-Up Magazine©.
On three separate Saturday mornings I found myself curving and swerving around the ever nerve-wracking streets of Laurel Canyon to meet one Richard Franklin. Up in the Hollywood Hills, overlooking Brittany Spears old estate, Richard Franklin, of www.richardfranklinphotography.com greeted me with the poise and professionalism of a classy middle-aged English fellow. But any assumptions I made about this witty Englishman through a few introductory phone calls, was instantly shattered when I stood before the man. Richard, looking somewhat like Al Pacino from Godfather III, but with the physique of a young man, who spends a lot of time working out and maintaining the belief that the mind and the body are always interconnected. I was asked to meet with Richard in order to delve into the art and style of his Glamour Photography, but what I found was so much more. Richard Franklin is a Glamour Photographer with his only subject being that of exotic and amazingly beautiful Black women, but that is only one small part of Richard Franklin, the man, the producer, the photographer, but most of all the philosopher.
masterpiece_smallWhile never taking a single photography class, Richard approaches his photography much like he approaches life; with a focus, trust in himself and the desire to find what else life has to show him. His subjects come to him knowing that he will make the beautiful look gorgeous while using stark color and simple background to augment the beauty that is the subject of his photo shoots. He avoids black & white as well as pastels in favor of simple color. Richard loves color and his interest is stimulated by black skin on a canvas of his choosing. Sometimes in the pool or behind bright lights, Richard trusts his instincts in knowing what to surround his latest subject with. His attitude is, I shoot for myself and if the model gets something out of it then good for her. It is an attitude that some may dismiss as ego, but to sit with the man, you are automatically pulled into energy of self-assurance. Richard is not egotistical, but rather he is curious and has a level of self-esteem that we should all hope to achieve. He doesn’t look at his photography as the photographer shooting the model, but rather he approaches it as a man who knows what he thinks is beautiful and sets out to complete that thought.
As we sit in his, lavish, yet simply decorated home adorned with artwork of various naked forms, Richard basically dismisses the assertion that he is an artist, or that he is even talented. He confesses that his photographs are not mired in as much talent as others may believe, but rather that he has a vision and he looks to honor it to the fullest. Artists exist to create, to serve their art and that is what Richard Franklin does. But to look at his website, you’d never think these are the photographs of someone who picked up a camera for the first time barely five years ago. Maybe he is the master illusionist, as his photographs show much more talent than Richard will allow himself to admit. Richard basically admits that he comes up with an idea or two and allows everything else in the photographic process to follow suit. He doesn’t appear interested in making the model look exotic or sexy. Rather, he believes they show up that way and as a result of his dedication to his own vision, the two marry together to create some of the sexiest photographs of black women I have ever seen. It is an interesting approach that while serving his own needs, the models ultimately end up looking more gorgeous in the finished product. This is why these girls from all over the place seek Richard out to photograph them. He absolutely does not go shopping for the next great face. In a way he is a hand on photographer with a very hands-off approach. He lets the art come to him. It is again part of the philosophical man that Richard Franklin is.
Born in England to a wealthy family. His aunt Rosalind Franklin, is credited with discovering the structures of DNA and believed by many in the world of science that she was on her way to a Nobel Prize. Richard’s father was a successful investment banker and his mother comes from a long line of dedicated Jews from Poland. He also has five brothers and sisters. But Richard, a self-proclaimed Atheist, set his eyes on America and finally arrived to make his mark. During the 1990’s he bought the rights and produced the controversial stage production of, Disputation, a piece about the Catholic church in Medieval Barcelona conducting a public trial against Judaism. He brought on famed TV director, Asaad Kelada to direct and the accolades started rolling in. Part of Richard’s aim in life is to do things he believes so much in, regardless of whether or not it yields him a financial profit. He does not tie in money with success or more important, self-achievement. Producing this play was just another example of a man who cannot so easily be categorized or simplified. Richard is a man who is always evolving and it just so happens that these days his evolution has taken him behind the lens of an expensive camera in order to satisfy his own desires and likes.

Give Us Our Thanksgiving Back

Ok damnit I've had it.  Christmas, that holiday that has become all about gifts and gift cards, has begun to seriously encroach itself upon the glorious day that is Thanksgiving.  It used to be that insane and greedy shoppers went to dinner with their families only to find themselves standing out in 38 degree weather in the middle of the night waiting for their chosen Big Box store to open so they can grab a TV for $300 or the latest childs toy which by January 3rd, the child won't even play with anymore. 

Now those bastards in the retail industry have taken it upon themselves to try and further destroy Thanksgiving by opening their stores ON Thanksgiving in the hopes that your greed will make you forget your family and instead go shopping.

If you love your family so much why not spend Thanksgiving with them, rather than spend it in line or in a store so that you can get them the perfect Christmas gift?  How does shopping over quality time with your family show that you love them.

There's a reason we don't go trick or treating on July 4th, and a reason we don't cook a huge feast and give thanks on October 31st., but when it comes to Thanksgiving, all most have on their minds is Christmas.

Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks and spend with our loved ones; not a day to think 30 days in advance to the next holiday.  Christmas is so popular because of our greed and materialism.  We can't wait for Christmas because we wanna rip open gifts and see how much our love cost. Bah Humbug motherfuckers.

I saw that we as a society reject Black Friday which has actually turned into Blackish Thursday, or at least take the entire family to Best Buy and sit square in the middle of their home entertainment area with your family and share turkey Lunchables and can's of diet Coke. 

If you gotta shop that badly then you either don't love your family that much, or your sense of priority's needs a serious reality check.

I for one don't plan on doing my Christmas shopping until Feb., so my family can go suck on it. But I still love you, because I will be present and hungry on Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Age of Enlightenment

At what age do we become enlightened? And at what cost? I've saved my whole life for just one moment, that moment which comes in a dream or at the end of an outrageous and ill-timed orgasm with a stranger! Am I any more aware now typing than I was sleeping. If I'm still sleeping then when, oh when my dear Muse, will I awaken once again?

New Found Glory

There is a place, where like minded people can come together regardless of age, race, color or creed.  A place like no other place, when all other places have been placed in some other random place. Strip off your clothes and empty your mind.  Shower in the rain and perfume your body in the dirt. Like a cross between Burning Man and Hannukah, this place is beyond the cosmic belt. It lies beyond the here and now and knows nothing of yesterday or tomorrow.  The path of least resistance is the road toward such an amazing place. 

But what is this place and when will we arrive......

Dr. Teeth and the crew jam on the Muppet Show.

Writer by day, Muppet band member by night. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrOfR7QlGD8&feature=share

Contents Under Pressure From the Patriot Act

Seems like my old friend Bush is still hot on my trail. Between branding cattle and attempting to start another war he has sent my old friends from the FBI to pay me another visit. 

I'll admit I see their concern with my starting another blog, especially since this one won't involve golf stats or recipe's for my favorite bread pudding, but does this blog constitute a violation of the Patriot Act?

I guess we shall see.