Ya know I gotta be honest. I really don't think I had many enemies or people that didn't like me until I got clean from drugs!! I have always suffered from depression and anxiety and therefore a certain amount of mental stability and eccentricites came with the person that is me.
But then I got clean and in many ways I have turned into a monster. People in the program and my therapist have told me that I spent 17 years suppressing my emotions and now they are coming out like a Tsunami. And with that wave I have found myself almost completely unable to handle it because I never developed the tools to do so.
Whenever life got to be too much I just got high. When I was bored I got high. Whenever I was whatever I just got high.
So now I am clean and have been for about 2yrs and 7months and I sit and obsess over the fact that I have caused so many people to hate me since getting clean than I did when I was an active drug addict.
I thought when you got clean and turned your life around that people would recognize the changes you have made and applaud you. But what I have learned is that due to the pain and misery I have allowed myself to finally feel; I have in turn acted out and said and done mean and hateful and crazy things.
So now I have all of these people who hate me, won't talk to me, and are probably afraid of me. And all this because I decided to stop using drugs. Is this the real me? Did the drugs just hide a cruel, mean, angry, jaded, angst ridden person?
My former sponsor said that he probably had more people to made amends to since getting clean than before he got clean. I couldn't agree more. But in my case I have created such damage that there are people who will live their entire lives not giving a fuck about my amends. They won't care that I am clean. They won't care that I am changing. And why should they?
I have given them every reason to believe that I am dangerous, scary, mean, hateful. spiteful. and probably very unstable.
And what sucks is that no one truly understands how much I struggle and suffer every moment of every day.
No one understands and now I've made sure that no one cares.
So much for being clean.
