Revenge of the Moron

Last week I went and saw Phantom Menace in 3D! Oh what a miserable experience.

First of all, if a movie is not originally shot in 3D but is then later on converted into 3D it still is not in 3D.  HOLLYWOOD are you listening.  Take a look at any film shot in 3D and any film converted and you'll see the difference jumps right out at you.  Phantom Menace looked practically the same in its converted form as with its original format.

But being twelve years older and two years sober did much to change my opinion of a movie I didn't think that highly of in the first place. This time around I really got to see how BORING it was.  There is little to no plot going on here.  The images are captivating but are then undone by nothing interesting happening onscreen.

The characters are horribly written, the dialogue is mundane and elementary and the acting is what you'd expect as a result of George Lucas's complete inability to write. 

There is the 15 minute long, self indulgent Pod Racing scene that goes on way to long, and isn't very interesting.  OK George we get it you like racing cars.  Go make a film that centers around racing instead of shoving a Nascar race in the middle of a fucking Sci-Fi movie.

Obi-Wan, who factors so importantly into the complete saga is relegated to mere cameo status in this film, and we don't even meet our Protagonist, Anakin, until the start of the second hour.  George and his team have no concept for pacing.

And you must be kidding me if you expect me to believe you didn't realize that Jar Jar Binks was not only a racist character, but also unnecessarily ANNOYING! He should have been gang raped by a bunch of Battle Droids.

And then Lucas creates a character that everyone gets excited about, Darth Maul, who ends up meeting a quick death.  We really would have liked to see him as a main player in the trilogy, but no, you killed the only interesting character you had.

Financing a film and creating it practically alone shows that ego and a lack of team imput greatly harmed this film and the weaknesses and plot holes are evident during its entire 2hr15min runtime.

George Lucas would follow Phatom with the impossible to watch Attack of the Clones, followed by the somewhat fun Revene of the Sith. I think the reason Sith is decent is because we get to see all the characters Lucas made us fucking hate get killed and suffer, so the film isn't really the revenge of the sith but more like the revenge of the audience.

The Sick, The Depressed and The Ugly

Boy oh boy have I been feeling down and dirty lately.  Sick and depressed are only a few adjectives to describe my current state of mind.  There is no serenity upstairs, no gratitude, just self doubt, confusion and some sort of cross breed between a cold and flu virus which has set up shop in my body without even the respect of a security deposit.

I feel empty!!  It sucks to feel that way unless thats the exact emotion one is trying to achieve....pure utopian emptiness.  I for one would rather feel full, full of serenity, full of graditude or at the very least, full of shit.

I know that my phantom virus will go away after a few days rest.
I know that my work issues will go away after I either find a new job or take napalm to the place and destroy it completely.  The work issues are weighing me down awfully bad.  I seem to be failing at my attempts to provide good service.  Maybe I am to jaded at this point, but to be failing at an entry level serving job is no support for my already fragile ego.  Its time for a change there.

Neil Hope's death has found its way into my psyche and has been causing me to obsess.  Obsession is so not fun nor is as in style as it once was.

I have found myself liking someone whom I shouldn't like while still yearning for someone who symbolically drove a tractor over my face.  I need to meet women outside the rooms in order to justify my pursuit of carnal happiness.

My OCD and OCD related issues have come back in full force, making me think someone converted them into 3D, and its basically making me fucking nuts.  Twitching and jerking is not a fun way to spend each day. 

A conversation with a friend about abstract art and abstract explanations made me feel like my sober mind is still just unbalanaced enough to secure my creativity.  He laments that his sober mind has robbed him of his creativity. I disagree.

I told Kelly Kenna she should write a one-woman show about her life. I think its an amazing idea, because I thought of it, and I really think she should do it, but time will tell if she does.  She has a tendency toward humor and more work will secure her comedic timing and approach.  She's a good speaker.

At some point my sponsor and I will finally go over my fourth and fifth step, which I actually finished two months ago.  I guess patience is important, but impatience is an impulse.

I fell asleep last night eating Raisinettes and there are shit looking chocolate smears on the bedsheets so I got some business to take care of.

So in the end, have a great day and if not go fuck yourself for now!!!!


How I feel this week.
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Something oddly sexy about this sick girl.

Venice Prostitute!!

Death of an Actor Hits Close to Home

Story below about the Death of "Wheels", played by Neil Hope from DeGrassi Jr High.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=147075417

Last night while sitting back and watching a movie news spread across the internet like a flu virus I just didn't want to accept I had.  The internet was wrought with news that former child actor Neil Hope had passed away, but the shocker here is that he died 5 years ago.  No one knew until last month; not his family nor his friends.

Neil died alone, in a boarding room in Canada supposedly of Natural Causes.  He was 35.

Beyond just trying to digest that someone you grew up with has died at such a young age, it's also an almost impossible task to absorb the circumstances surrounding his death.  How could anyone be so estranged from his loved ones that he could die without their knowledge for 5 years?  Friends and family say that it was not uncommon for Neil to go a year or so without contact, but after two years they became worried that something might have happened.  Wow!  And then just over four years later they find out he's been dead all along.

If this is too much for a Degrassi fan to digest imagine how the family and his close friends are dealing with it.

The character of Wheels both emotionally and physcially remind me of my own brother Ed, whom I have had no contact with in many years.  In fact, no one in my family has heard from him in over three years.  Given his emotional history and drug history, its hard for us to know where Eddie is or if  he is even alive.  It has helped my many times to assume that he is dead, rather than accept the idea that he would purposefully estrange himself from our family and not want anything to do with us. 

His life has been similar to Wheels and I guess also Neil; wounded boys who craved the love of father's who either didn't want them or were to drunk to be bothered. Neils father was an alcoholic who died early, Wheels father didn't want him, and Wheels became an alcoholic, and then there is my brother who has been rejected by my alcoholic father over and over again.

So upon reading the story of Neil's death I got to wondering. Is my brother dead?  When did he die?  Is he living alone in some boarding room?  Is he alive? Where is he? Am I ever going to see him again?  And if he's dead, where is he buried? In some unmarked grave, in some random cemetary?

So not only do I share the grief of the death of Neil Hope, but I am also losing hope that my own brother hasn't shared the same fate.

Stage 3 Adenocarcinoma

Ugh, just writing that title makes me wobbly.  So what gives with that title?  Well someone I know has Stage 3 Adenocarcinoma of the Pancreas.  This man was my first sponsor, a sponsorship that didn't last long.  Why was it so short?  Well the simple answer is that I didn't at the time know what a Sponsorship relationship meant, what I wanted from a Sponsor or what a Sponsor wanted from me.  Its good that Patrick took me on as a Temp, in order to see if we were a good fit. We weren't.  Probably wouldn't be today although I now know what Sponsorship means and what I need from it.

But recently I found out that Patrick was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, a certain death sentence for the unfortunate who receive such a diagnosis.  This week I found out he is Stage 3.  Can the news for him get any worse?  I think not.

Upon hearing news of his disease I immediately felt guilty that we didn't work out as Sponsor and Sponsee.  I felt like I owed him an amends and immediately emailed him to apologize and also wish him well.

It rings so false to me to wish someone well when you know they are going to die.  It also makes me feel guilty that I feel bad about our sponsorship when he is facing mortality right now.  Fuck, I feel ridiculous sitting here writing about this because writing about my emotions is my battle in this situation, not cancer.

I know Patrick is going to die, and soon.  He has a Blog on the John Hopkins website and seems positive, although I am sure he knows better. But why not try and be positive and why not at least send out the positive vibe to the world rather than scared nervousness?  And who is to say Patrick is scared?  He has a deep spiritual relationship with God and I know he feels embraced by God's loving arms.

Patrick is going to be all right no matter the end game here. 

But I also started thinking about Patricks drug problem in the past, the one that brought him to recovery.  The second step of the program states, "We can to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", and the third step states, "We made a decision to put our lives and our will over to the care of God...."

I started to think that Patricks drug problem was a blessing as it caused him to believe in God and give his life and his will over to God, regardless of whether he already had this relationship, I know the NA steps at least made them more concrete.

So was it God's plan that Patrick become a recovering addict in order to create a bond with him so that when Patrick was then faced with death, he'd be more prepared?  No one has an answer, but the posibility is amazing.

2 Amazing Things about Lindsay Lohan

A Random Post About Random Things and A Hot Chick

So here I sit at the computer, which is aggrivating me into writing something for you to read.  LOL, you, I am not even sure there is any body out there reading so in a way I am talking to myself anyway.  Maybe I should just put up a list of my favorite porn films or people I dislike. Maybe I should just write a list of people I don't like and post their photo's. 

1. For your information I love the late 70's, early 80's genre of porn. Back when it was real, and not some douche bag holding a camera while fucking his girlfriend.  There was real production value back then.  And Ron Jeremy didn't yet weigh 250lbs.

2. And as for the people I hate, well actually I just dislike some......but why give them any attention on MY page.  They are idiots and shall remain in the shadows.

3.Tonight I start my position at a new meeting as Co-Chair and Secretary.  I am excited to be back in a service position which helps keep me going to meetings and therefore gaining more and more recovery.

4. I also wanted to mention the film The Grey, a fine survival movie, whose commercials and ads promise a battle between Liam Neesan and a Wolf, but beware because that scene that shows him readying for battle with hands raised clad with crude sharp instruments is actually the final shot of the movie and no such scene is ever seen.  Kind of a huge letdown, but upon further reflection the film is actually about Liam's battle within himself over whether or not he wishes to live or die.  His intent to fight the wolf is the resolution to the story because he's decided to live, if only to fight and die by the wolfs massive power.

It should also be noted that there is a five second scene AFTER the credits, which I didn't see that shows what may be considered more concrete or abstract resolution to the story.  I for one am over the whole post credit sequence bullshit.  This is a lame tactic by the filmmakers to get us to sit through the credits.  If you feel the credits are so important then put them ALL at the beginning.

The film's ending is the second one this year to shock and stun audiences and anger them.  The first being THE DEVIL INSIDE, a film not even worthy of a mention more than its title and an ending that begs for the viewer to burn down the movie theater.

5.  Super Bowl sunday was yesterday and the place I work at was completely empty. Really? Is football that popular especially when the Bears weren't in it? At least I won $5 on the coin toss when I chose heads.  And I also wonder how many people tune in for the commercials more than the game.  And really who gives a fuck about commercials?

6.  Canadians.  What special powers do I have that I can always tell when I am watching something made in Canada or I can always spot Canadian actors?  I mean, they look normal, but there is something just a tad askew about Canadians that I can pick up on even without hearing them speak with their slight accents.

7. A HOT CHICK

NA, Friends and Me

Before ever beginning my journey of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous I used to simply think that people all sat in a room, drank coffee, smoked cigarettes and talked about being addicts.  I never thought it any further, and certainly didn't think that the people in these rooms would become friends, or that friendship would be a part of it in any way.  I guess naivety and my definition of anonymous drew me to the conclusion that you go to a meeting and then go back to your own world.

When I started attending meetings I quickly found that to be wrong. The rooms are full of people who know each other and care for each other.  There are friendships and bonds formed and I realized it helped build the foundation of recovery.

But of course I have to complicate everything.......

What I have seen in these meetings is genuine care and concern shared between members, but I also have seen drama and dysfunction and incestuous behavior.  I guess expecting functionality for dysfunctional people is asking a bit much and I am trying to have compassion for dysfunctional people reaching for functionality, but sometimes those "friends" and "cliques" seem to be less about recovery and more about socializing.

I go to meetings to recover. I don't go to find friends or potential fuck-mates, yet it seems like everyone in the some rooms fuck each other and get involved in each others business is negative ways.

So I am stuck between trying to be friendly with other members but not friends, although the lack of friendships makes me sort of an outsider, and makes "fellowshipping" a bit tricky.  There are plenty of sweet, kind and caring people in many of the rooms, but I still find myself resistant to get involved with them on any level except recovery.

I also am closer to 40 while many of the addicts I am surrounded by are in their early 20's.  The ones who are closer in my age are also not really involved in the friendship aspect of the group, but more in the recovery aspect.

Why am I writing about this?  Because I am tired of being torn between just attending meetings with these people and feeling like I have to be friends with these people when I only share one thing in common and that is the disease of addiction.

The one time I took that leap of faith to involve myself with someone who shared many interests I shared bit me in the ass so hard I have scars.

The second time I attempted to befriend someone older than me and he turned into a judgemental asshole.

So I guess I am of the belief that I just need to go to meetings, be friendly with the people in the rooms, but then go back to my life.

I don't need to to hang out with them. I don't need to be facebook friends with them, and I certainly don't need to go have "taco's" with them.

But realizing this is only a part of the answer, I need to embrace it and accept it which is something I am struggling with.  I need to just accept that I feel this way and move on.

But moving on was never one of my strengths.