The Co-Dependency of Dr. Teeth

Things have been a bit rough lately.  I have lost my sponsor and rid myself of a toxic relationship.  The urge to use has never been so great.  My day job is stressful and I feel alone.  The urge to use is gaining power.

The other night someone asked me if I wanted a Vicodin and like a child in a toy store I eagerly agreed, almost begging.  I couldn't wait to get out of work and during the car ride home I was so excited to consume that painkiller.  Then I stopped.....

I suddenly realized then said to myself, "You know Doc, if you take that pill you've relapsed.  If you swallow any of it then 2 yrs and 5 months goes down the fucking toilet."  I was pleased but irked.  On one hand I realized I was about to make a mistake but on the other hand I realized there is nothing I can do to get around the fact that I cannot use drugs, no matter what.

I ended up at a meeting and smiled seeing some old friends in the program.  Before the meeting I collected all of my key-chain's from day Zero to Multiple Years.  I needed to look at them to remind myself of the journey I have been and continue to be.

Bad relationships or break ups are not an excuse to use. The loss of a sponsor is not an excuse to use.  A shit job is not an excuse to use.  I need to keep chanting to myself, "There is no excuse to use."

During a phone session with my therapist I replayed the recent tragedy that was my 8 week roller coaster relationship with Stella Blue.  I admitted that Stella, although badly damaged emotionally, hadn't done anything to me.  I was not a victim.  Nothing happened that I didn't allow to happen. And that was when I realized that she, the relationship and my co-dependency are the true Drug Addictions in my life.

Its easy to say NO to cocaine, but to a woman who needs me, or needs to be taken care of,: I'd snort that by the roomful.  I can never get enough of that drug.

The NA program doesn't care if I consume copious amounts of Stella Blue, but it sure cares if I drink a glass of wine.

Stella was my drug.  Even though I truly cared for her and wanted to be with her.  She was a drug.  And I became consumed with taking that drug.  I became consumed with holding that drug and wanting that drug.  I let common sense and self respect fly out the window all for this drug.  I spent the holiday with her and not my family because I went where the drug took me.

Stella, not really a drug, but a real person with beauty and mystery and a heart broken into more pieces than I could ever repair, was indeed my drug.  That is not her fault. Nor am I concerned with what is her fault.

What I need to realize is that relationships of a certain kind are drugs for me and I get high off them and behave like a pathetic addict.

It's a shitty reality, but it is real.

I miss her, but I don't miss the drug.

Another meeting.......

Letting Go

We consume.  We binge. We purge. We move on.

Until the cycle begins anew.

0-0
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"All my little plans and schemes were nothing but a bunch of dreams....."- J.Lennon

Ungrateful Heart

 

Catarì, Catarì,
pecche' me dice sti parole amare?
pecche' me parle, e 'o core me turmiente,
Catarì?
Nun te scurda' ca t'aggio dato 'o core,
Catarì, nun te scurda'!
Catarì, Catarì,
che vene a dicere
stu parla' ca me da spaseme?
Tu nun ce pienze a stu dulore mio
tu nun ce pienze, tu nun te ne cure.
Core, core 'ngrato,
t'haie pigliato 'a vita mia,
tutt'e' passato
e nun ce pienze cchiu'!

Catarì, Catarì
tu nun o saie ca 'nfino int''a na chiesa
io so' trasuto e aggio priato a Dio,
Catarì
e ll'aggio ditto pure a 'o cunfessore
I' sto' a suffrì pe chella lla'!
Sto a suffrì, sto a suffrì
nun se po credere
sto' a suffrì tutte li strazie
e 'o cunfessore ch'e' persona santa
m'ha ditto: figlio mio, lassala sta', lassala sta'!
Core, core 'ngrato
t'hai pigliato a vita mia.....

I Know You.....

I know you come here
Your friends come to visit
Suspicion and curiosity abound.

I know you come here
to see how I feel
to see what I right
to know what is real.

I know you come here
to hurt and to learn
to know about the hearts
the ones that you burned.

I know that you come here
and think I'll post songs
or words of love
things that don't belong.

I know that you come here
to see that I hurt
to feel disrespected
to see what you're worth.

I know that you come here
to help feel bad
to see if I'm happy
to know I am sad.

I know that you come here
because you can't let go
because deep inside
you know what you know.

It shows......

Dr. Teeth Vs. The Virus

Well Dr. Teeth has once again found himself fighting of another Virus.  He allowed it to take over total control of his judgement and sense of self worth.  What he doesn't seem to realize is you can't get worthiness from someone who feels worthless.  You can't get consistency from chaos.  You can't get balance from the unbalanced.

Yet he tries! Over and over again he tries.  He gives of himself to such extreme's in the hopes of getting drops of water in return.  The more the Virus pulls away, the more he tries to hold on. 

Then he realized the Virus was consuming him. Using his energy and dedication to find some glimmer of hope in its hopeless exsistence.  So lost in its own pain it didn't realize nor care the pain it was causing him.  But he kept on trying.  Promising undying dedication to someone who couldn't even be bothered to ask him out for a cup of coffee or time at a movie.  No, he sat there waiting......

The depressing fact is that from early on he knew the Virus would consume him, yet he did nothing.  He invited the Virus to ravage his stability, happiness, and sense of pride.  He saw the red flag and draped it over his body. He saw the warning signs as a road map toward her. 

And when he thought he was done with the Virus and could claim some small victory as he tried to move on with his life, the Virus called.  Unable to travel, he quickly drove to its aid.  Now he was not only being ravaged by the Virus but he was trying to nurse it back to health so that it could regain its strength to do more damage.

And damage it did.  The Virus is selfish.  The Virus is self absorbed.  The Virus lies.  The Virus uses and ultimately consumes what's in its path.

And he was consumed.  Until he exorcised the Virus from his body.  He made a choice and did what was right!! He took a stand and told the Virus, "You will no longer ravage my heart and my mind. And you will no longer drink of my heart nor feast on my love."

"The Camel dances, and having danced, moves on...."- J. Lennon

While I Shovel Snow

Half of my life I've been watching....
Half of my life I've been waking up....


My mind is a swirl of technicolor thoughts and dreams.  Tony Soprano asking me if I'm doing all right. The test dream.  Unhappy Customers, negative feedback and the cattle call of ex girlfriends trying to pry their way back into my heart and mind.

Silver tongued electrical rain storm.  Purple sky night. Danger on the outside so we wait indoor watching the water turn people into ice.  Static Hail Storm on a dreary night.  Earth's Final Chapter.

Cat vomits on my back as cigarettes burn in the ashtray while I sleep to thoughts of someone I cannot hold.  Desperate illogical non confrontational text messages and song clues.  Freaks and Geeks on audio in the background.

La Vie En Rose plays over and over in my mind as I get up repeatedly to pee and purge thoughts of yesterday.  Letting go of all that haunts me while the cats jockey for position amongst me.

Playing guitar with Bob Weir as Robert DeNiro, while ex co-workers all figure out my lie.  Figure out what I've done, although I don't know. They reject me.  I feel rejected.  They know.

Over-dosing restaurant goer's, labored breathing and jaded revelers abounding.  Dread and anger play on a loop in the background while dour faced busboys clear the room for more Mafia involvement.

The alarm goes off.  Too much sun.  To much reality. To much effort to get up again.  Want to go back to the test dream.  Want to go back to days of star wars figures and roller skates.  Four Square at the park.  Holding mom's hand.  drifting off to sleep in the back seat of a buick.

Leaving this life while I shovel snow.

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