Creatures and Monsters I'd Like To FUCK

I know I'm strange but sometimes when I watch scary or odd movies there are characters in there I imagine myself having dirty sex with.  Here are just some of the oddities I'd love to screw.


Sure the girl is 12, but the devil is ageless making it completely legal.  And I'm pretty sure she'd let me do whatever the fuck I wanted.


Medusa. I could just lay back and CLOSE MY EYES and let her do the work.


Bride of Frankenstein. Not only does she look like she could be Pauly Walnuts mom, but I've always wanted to fuck a girl in Black and White.

These 3 look like a bloody good party.  And its like fucking modern art.


Again this girl may be underage, but since she's a zombie the laws don't apply. She'd probably be the last monster I'd fuck becuase I'm pretty sure she'd eat me. Never ask a zombie to start off with a blowjob.

And the Honorable Mention Goes To..........


What a fuckin' mess.  I'd do her just to say I did her. I'm sure I'd be gay after this.

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Poor Me

Don't you hate it when people tell you that you're playing, "Poor Me."  And how does one play Poor Me anyway? What are the rules to Poor Me?  Do you need more than one player or can you play alone? Is Poor Me a card game or a board game?  And what are the age requirements to play, Poor Me?

Does Poor Me come with directions because if I'm going to play Poor Me, I want to do it right because I don't want some fucker to come along and accuse me of cheating.  Since I prefer video games, is there an XBox 360 version of Poor Me that I can buy? 

I wonder how long people have been playing Poor Me.  Is this a game that has been passed down through generatons or is it relatively new?  And does Poor Me have anything in common with Poor You.  Ohh poor you, you're always playing Poor Me. 

You're godamned right.  I am actually the high score holder on Frogger, Donkey Kong and Poor Me.  In fact I own one of the original arcade versions of Poor Me in my basement. I love to sit down there alone with my coffee and play Poor Me all day. 

You know what game I like to tell people who accuse me of playing Poor Me to play?  Fuck You.

Tom Cruise Goes On Vacation

BREAKING NEWS:  Tom Cruise was photographed leaving for vacation after spending time with daughter Suri.


Tom felt the need to get away after the collapse of his marriage with Katie Holmes.  Tom and his team are still investigating what went wrong with the marriage, which seemed to be fine until Katie unexpectedly filed for divorce.


This photo shows Katie during the marriage.  Tom and his team couldn't put her back together again and she regained control over her own brain.

Not to worry because Tom and his team of Scientologists are busy working on Tom's new Wife.



This is the suit that Tom and Katie had to wear when making love.  This is Scientology rule #256

There must also be an R2D2 looking chaperone in the room in case Tom malfunctions and tries to go GAY!!!!

Gay Porn Star and Sting look alike, Allen Wrench could not be reached for comment....

Suri Cruise Speaks to Planet Earth

 

People of Planet Earth I am SURI CRUISE....

I am leaving soon and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The Universe grows smaller every day -- and the threat of aggression by any group -- anywhere -- can no longer be tolerated.

There must be security for all -- or no one is secure... This does not mean giving up any freedom except the freedom to act irresponsibly.
...
Your ancestors knew this when they made laws to govern themselves -- and hired policemen to enforce them.

We of the other planets have long accepted this principle. We have an organization for the mutual protection of all planets -- and for the complete elimination of aggression. A sort of United Nations on the Planetary level... The test of any such higher authority, of course, is the police force that supports it. For our policemen, we created a race of robots-- Their function is to patrol the planets -- in space ships like this one -- and preserve the peace. In matters of aggression we have given them absolute power over us.

At the first sign of violence they act automatically against the aggressor. And the penalty for provoking their action is too terrible to risk.

The result is that we live in peace, without arms or armies, secure in the knowledge that we are free from aggression and war -- free to pursue more profitable enterprises. We do not pretend to have achieved perfection -- but we do have a system -- and it works.

I came here to give you the facts. It is no concern of ours how you run your own planet -- but if you threaten to extend your violence, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned- out cinder.

Your choice is simple. Join us and live in peace. Or pursue your present course -- and face obliteration. We will be waiting for your answer. decision rests with you.

A Tribute to Michael Jackson

Heal the world.  Make it a better place.  For you and for me and the entire Human race. There are faces melting if you care enough for the faces.  Get a better plastic surgeon for you and me.

Condolences

So today is the 38th.  Just keep getting older and probably not much wiser.  But at least I don't look like this 38 year old.

Although I did smoke some great Opium with this guy once at a Grateful Dead show.

Birthdays serve to remind me of where I am in life. Its like Mapquest.  I am standing HERE.

We define our self worth by how many people acknowledge our birthdays and prop up our ego's by saying, "Happy Birthday. Hope its a great day."  Sometimes those sentiments sound equally as empty as, "My condolences" when someone dies.  And what the fuck does "my condolences" mean?  Its not like we have a cupboard full of condolences that we give away each time someone dies.

I usually like to giftwrap my condolences and include a gift receipt in case the condolence is the wrong size or color.  I go to the department store and ask the sales clerk, "Where are your condolences?" They must be somewhere between the greeting cards and the Clearance Bin.

Condolences sound like little desserts.  "Over here on the table we have some cannoli, butter cookies, and oh you just have to try my condolences.  They are amazing!"

Just for a laugh when I introduce my children I like to say, "These are my condolences."

If we really wanna fuck with someone's head on their birthday, tell 'em, "Happy birthday you have my condolences."

What if they say, "I offer you my condolences." You look around the room and say, "I got more condolences than I can carry right now. I'm gonna need a U-haul to get these fucking condolences back to the house."

And what if I don't want their condolences? What if you have too many condolences?  What the fuck am I gonna do with all these condolences?  I got enough mouths to feed already.  I got no more room in the closet. 

Then someone walks up to you and says, "I'd offer you my condolences but my wife got them in the divorce.  I'm just a little short right now, but I swear I'll get you next week."

And then your girlfriend walks up to you and says, "You have my condolences." Oh fuck I'm really in trouble now, but then you realize, "No I don't have your condolences I took penicillin."

The jokes on you. I give you your condolences back.  I don't want 'em. 

So what did I get for my birthday this year?  Condolences.