Condolences

So today is the 38th.  Just keep getting older and probably not much wiser.  But at least I don't look like this 38 year old.

Although I did smoke some great Opium with this guy once at a Grateful Dead show.

Birthdays serve to remind me of where I am in life. Its like Mapquest.  I am standing HERE.

We define our self worth by how many people acknowledge our birthdays and prop up our ego's by saying, "Happy Birthday. Hope its a great day."  Sometimes those sentiments sound equally as empty as, "My condolences" when someone dies.  And what the fuck does "my condolences" mean?  Its not like we have a cupboard full of condolences that we give away each time someone dies.

I usually like to giftwrap my condolences and include a gift receipt in case the condolence is the wrong size or color.  I go to the department store and ask the sales clerk, "Where are your condolences?" They must be somewhere between the greeting cards and the Clearance Bin.

Condolences sound like little desserts.  "Over here on the table we have some cannoli, butter cookies, and oh you just have to try my condolences.  They are amazing!"

Just for a laugh when I introduce my children I like to say, "These are my condolences."

If we really wanna fuck with someone's head on their birthday, tell 'em, "Happy birthday you have my condolences."

What if they say, "I offer you my condolences." You look around the room and say, "I got more condolences than I can carry right now. I'm gonna need a U-haul to get these fucking condolences back to the house."

And what if I don't want their condolences? What if you have too many condolences?  What the fuck am I gonna do with all these condolences?  I got enough mouths to feed already.  I got no more room in the closet. 

Then someone walks up to you and says, "I'd offer you my condolences but my wife got them in the divorce.  I'm just a little short right now, but I swear I'll get you next week."

And then your girlfriend walks up to you and says, "You have my condolences." Oh fuck I'm really in trouble now, but then you realize, "No I don't have your condolences I took penicillin."

The jokes on you. I give you your condolences back.  I don't want 'em. 

So what did I get for my birthday this year?  Condolences.