Vin Diesel and Paul Walker Interviewed by Doctor Teeth

Recently I had the unfortunate luck to sit down with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker from the Fast and Furious Franchise.  These two had just gotten done getting Vin his rabies shots and flea collar and they agreed to sit down and talk with Doctor Teeth about life, movies and being born retarded.

Doctor Teeth:  Well its a...well its.....well thanks.....hey guys.

Vin Diesel:  Derp Durr Drurl Doop Dippity...

Doctor Teeth: What the fuck?

Paul Walker: He said its great to meet you Mr. Teeth.

Doctor Teeth: That's Doctor. You really understood what he said?

Paul Walker: Yes, of course. I understand everything Vin says.  That is why we are in all the same movies together.  In each of Vin's movie contracts is The Paul Walker Clause.  Since I am the only one that can understand him they put me in his movies so I can translate what he says to the director.

Vin Diesel: gooop derrp dooort.

Doctor Teeth:  Is he retarded?

Paul Walker: He's just misunderstood. (Paul proceeds to pet Vin's bald head.)

I proceed to hold up random objects in front of Vin, who becomes excited.

Doctor Teeth: What is this Vin? (Holding up a pencil)

Vin Diesel:  Peerp.

Doctor Teeth: Well that word started with a P so I guess he said pencil.

Paul Walker goes into his pocket and removes something and puts it in Vin's mouth.
Vin becomes excited and claps his hands together happily.

Doctor Teeth: Was that some sort of treat?

Paul Walker:  Yes its a bit of spam. Vin loves spam as a treat.

I proceed to light a cigarette and the flame from my lighter agitates Vin.

Vin: Fire.....bad....fire....bad!!!!!!

Vin stands up and proceeds to wreck my office, flipping over books and smashing things.

Vin Diesel:  VIN SMASH!!!!!!

Paul Walker shrieks like a bitch with a skinned knee.

Paul Walker:  You've upset him you silly!! You upset him.

Paul pulls out a leash and tosses it on Vin who fights and resists.

Paul Walker: Its ok Vin. Its ok. Pauly is here.

Vin calms down and rests his head on Paul's shoulder.

Vin Diesel:  Paul.....good....deerrrp drooo diiip.

Doctor Teeth: Can I just say something at this point?

Vin Diesel:  Deeep???!!

Paul Walker:  Sure.

Doctor Teeth:  Get the fuck out of my office before I put a shotgun up both of your asses and pull the trigger until it goes click.

Paul and Vin get up and hurry out of the room.  I suspected something was off about Vin Diesel when they added subtitles and a Bane sounding voice over to his voice in his latest movies.  Was Vin born retarded, or did he have a horrible accident that TMZ failed to tell us about.

I will get to the bottom of this and report back soon......

These guys had to have met on Craigs List.



Tell me this Popeye character doesn't look like Vin Diesel.

Gluten Free Is Everywhere!! HELP ME!!!!!

A hoax has been perpetrated on the American People; a hoax that makes Jesus, Santa Claus and the Holocaust pale in comparison.  This is a hoax that has caused some sort of mass hysteria amongst the public.  It appears to be air-borne, and Oprah Winfrey is believed to be Patient Zero.  This hoax is simply known as GLUTEN FREE.  At some point one person ate some gluten and went off on a trip the likes of which no non- Deadhead has ever witnessed.  There are scores of people all over the land who are now either allergic to gluten or are afraid of the addictive and supposedly deadly effects of gluten.   Every restaurant now has Gluten Free menus.  Diners are now asking questions about every item in every dish a restaurant serves.  “Is this gluten free”, well the last time I checked no body was charging extra for gluten so I am sure it comes free with the dish. 

But it is not good enough. Some people react to gluten like the devil reacts to Holy Water.  They are angry at it.  They are afraid of it. 

When did the American public turn into such fraidy-cats?  They can’t have gluten, or dairy, or meat, or peanuts, or shellfish, or hydrogen dioxide.  Get over it people.  The flour in your food is not going to harm you.  If you want to eat like an animal living off the land then go graze on a farm, and do not go into restaurants or stores anymore.  Eat the fucking grass on the ground.  Chew a branch on a tree. Starve for all I care, but enough of this irrational fear of gluten.  It has always been there and it always will be.  You will not escape it.  It knows you.  It knows where you live.  It knows what you fear.  Deal with it.

Snort, suck, chew, gulp and fuck as much gluten as you can.  You will survive. 

I did……….

 

 

The Conjuring: Summer Success

So I went and saw The Conjuring today and while it is really filled with Haunted House cliche's and reminds the viewer of greater horror films like Exorcist, Amityville Horror, Poltergeist, etc., what it does do is takes the great parts of all of those films and makes a film thats more like an homage to those old 70's scare films.

The plot is simple.... Family moves into an old house for no reason, where the walls are dirty and there are cobwebs everywhere, but hey its the 70's so no one cares.

Immediately the dog starts acting weird, but thats ok because he won't be around long enough to see what happens to this family.

And slowly but surely the haunted house starts fucking with everyone, except the Dad for some reason, in various ways.

I loved how the strange smell is blamed on one of the kids farting, although she tells the accusing sister, "It's not me its you." And while at first the fart concept seems odd it is really the most realistic way to explain the randomness of weird smells that pop up at night.

As the film goes on the scares become more focused and intense and suddenly not only are doors moving and clocks stopping, but apparitions and demons are appearing.

What I always question is that if a ghost doesn't want the people there, then why not come on strongly immediately and get them the fuck out.  Why take your time?  Oh because its a movie that is slowly building tension and dread.

The scares in The Conjuring are consistent and each time more and more scary.  That's what made it so much fun.

Of course we toss in an exorcism to top things off. And although not the most interesting exorcism we've seen on film, it is interesting in that the person being exorcised is covered by a sheet.



The movie ends softly and with a lot of sun, but we know that its not over....the film was too successful financially and nothing brings a ghost back quicker in Hollywood than a big profit.


Even this evil bitch gets in on the fun...


Check it out. It'll remind you of many other horror films, but it'll entertain the hell out of you.

Straight to DVD: The Christian Slater Curse

There are a string of actors who have become 'Straight to DVD' actors and sometimes it is shocking who has a movie that goes straight to DVD.
It should be noted that just because a film didn't open in your neighborhood, doesn't mean it didn't open in a theater, but odds are if it only opened in New York or Los Angeles for a week, it still sorta counts as a Straight to DVD film.

Here are the power trio of actors....

Christian Slater- He is the reigning king of straight to dvd.  He hasn't had a film hit the theaters since that awful UWE BOLL film a few years back. And let's face it if you're in a Uwe Boll flick at all your career is in trouble.  Christians career hit the skids years ago because, of course, he got into drinking and drugs and domestic abuse, etc. and hasn't been able to recover since. He's also tried two tv shows that combined didn't last a single season.  I bet he feels lucky to be getting any work at all.

Cuba Gooding Jr. - What makes his straight to dvd career so shocking is that he doesn't seem to have a drug problem or anything and he even won an Academy Award!!!! But he no longer has films that come out to the theater.  He is going to play a small role in MACHETE KILLS in September, but then again being in a Robert Rodriguez film is not a career comeback, because like Tarantino, Rodrigues plucks actors out of obscurity and puts them in his films. There are dozens of actors who have Tarantino and Rodriguez to thank for jumpstarting their careers even if they only go another 500 miles.

Val Kilmer- There are so many people in Hollywood that refuse to work with this guy. He is reported to be a pain in the ass of mammoth proportions.  He is a prima donna who thinks he's better than the rest.  Well its great to be the greatest and not have anyone wanting to work with you.  This guy was in some huge hits...TOP GUN and he played BATMAN.  But when your attitude sucks, your looks fade and you gain 50 lbs. Your lucky to be in films at all.

Now there are a few others who have surprisingly popped up in Straight to DVD films.

Harrison Ford- This legend did a film called Crossing Over about Border Agent crap, and it has an all star cast but it wasn't good enough to be released in theaters and went straight to dvd.

Al Pacino-  He and Channing Tatum appeared in the pathetic cop film, Son of No One. Watching this film and Pacino's performance in it makes it no surprise that this went straight to DVD.  Pacino must have owed someone a favor or had to do community service for appearing in Jack and Jill, because his presence and performance in this film is just plain awful.

Robert DeNiro- Let's be honest, it should have been Robert DeNiro that died not James Gandolfini.  The fact that anything this guy does even gets made let alone released in a theater is of complete shock to me.  But he appeared in 50 Cent's film Freelancers about crooked cops.  DeNiro played a bad cop who had Fiddy's dad killed.  The film is so poorly written and acted. It stuns me that this is the second time DeNiro has been in a film with Fiddy Diddy.  Now DeNiro has a film out with John Travolta called Killing Season that has opened in a small handful of theaters but also went straight to Video on Demand the same day.  This is not good for two Giants of the film world.

James Gandolfini- Now in Gandolfini's defense he has done plenty of films that were so small they were never really meant for theater screens.  He has had some films come out at the theater but his appearance in films are merely cameo roles, much like DeNiro did in the 80's and does today.  Sadly Gandolfini recently died and we won't get a chance to see where his post Soprano's career was heading, although I wrote a blog about that....  http://doctor-teeth.blogspot.com/2013/06/james-gandolfini-what-fuck.html?zx=4e0d2953fc5ab1c3

50 Cent- This guy isn't an actor so his films should go straight to DVD, but the reason I mention him is that he produces and acts in these films and has gotten people like DeNiro, Bruce Willis, Rosario Dawson, and a few other big names to appear in his shitty films that go straight to DVD, but hey someone must like him because he has a bunch of these films, and big named stars appear in them.

***There are so many more actors who have appeared in straight to DVD films and it's not always there fault.  Some studio's decide at the last minute to dump a film meant for the theater on DVD instead because the finished product was not what they expected.  Some straight to DVD films are actually good, although naming on escapes me at the moment.

Well I have to run now as I'm sure that Christian Slater has a dvd being released at any moment.

The Three Stooges Fail To Make Relationships Work

I met a girl, she loves the THREE STOOGES, so very rare for a woman to love those guys, so I was immediately drawn to her as a result.

But I quickly found out that a relationship cannot survive on a foundation of Moe, Larry and Curly alone.

I love the 3 Stooges, but they aren't enough to build a relationship off of.  Sorry guys. Nyuk Nyuk.

Amanda Bynes: Entertaining TV

We love a good car wreck in this country.  We take some sort of sick entertained satisfaction in watching celebs of all sorts fall apart publically.  It sells magazines, and pushes up ratings on shows like Extra, and Entertainment tonight, it creates traffic to websites like TMZ, and so the more fucked up a story is about a celeb, the more money everyone makes off that celebrity.  And since the celebrity is a public figure they have no right to earn a percentage.

Amanda Bynes has stepped into Lindsay Lohan's spotlight as the crazy broad of the month, but whereas Lindsay appears to be an addict, Bynes appears to just be plain nuts.



I am sure Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew are fawning all over this young woman's fall from reality.  They are such smug, self-important sycophants.  They act as experts on all things pertaining to the health of celebrities.

But why is it that the media goes all cuckoo over these stories.  Why do we "celebrate" the pain, anguish and suffering of celebrities.  If we adore them so much, why then do we hate them so much?



Does it make you feel better to celebrate these young girls suffering?

We are really pathetic.  Our lives are so boring and mundane that we flock to this shit like flies on fresh shit.  We enjoy their suffering!

What does that say about us when we build people up only to tear them down.

How petty are we.  How pathetic are we.

I guess the answer is..... INCREDIBLY.

Why I Hate Johnny Depp

I hate Johnny Depp.  I hate him so much I have become obsessed with the Depp.

Depp came onto the scene with a small role in Wes Craven's, A Nightmare on Elm Street, where he got sucked into the bed with his TV and was dead.  Oh how I wish that was real life.

Is this a photo of Depp dying or climaxing???

Then he went on to play Tom Hanson in the super cool (when your twelve in the 80's) tv show, 21 Jump Street.  He played a narc who busted teenagers for being teens, only actually these teens were into prostitution, extortion, drug dealing, terrorism, election rigging.....ya know the usual trouble teens get into.

But Depp became a Heartthrob otherwise known as extremely popular and that of course pissed him off because he is a rebel so he left the show.

He started along in movies, which and I am not going to go over movie by movie, but for a long time he was in movies where he played odd characters.  Ed Wood, Ed Scissorhands, Benny, etc..

He became more popular. And he became the Robert DeNiro to Tim Burton's, Scorsese.  These two have worked together countless times.  But it should be noted that Tim Burton has never done anything original, and seems hell bent on remaking and ruining everything he touches.  So Johnny Depp has joined him in ruining Alice In Wonderland, Charlie and Choc Factory, Dark Shadows, and this summer came Depp's biggest bomb, albeit without Tim Burton who I am sure is hard at work ruining another beloved film.

So what is my problem with Johnny Depp?

Simple, he never plays a regular person in any of his films.  And he is at the point of being typecast into only playing oddities and larger than life strange people.  At this point, when so many other superstars can still play normal everyday people. Johnny Depp has relegated himself to playing Freak Show characters in his films.

He attempted to play a human being once in The Tourist and that filmed bombed harder than the Enola Gay during WWII. (dated reference I know)

Johnny Depp wasn't even popular until he played Jack Sparrow in the awful, but successful Pirates of the Caribbean movie.  And even then he played an over the top Keith Richards wanna be pirate.

Johnny Depp's films fail over and over and over again.

In the last four years we've gotten...

The Tourist....FLOP.
Rum Diaries...FLOP
Dark Shadows....FLOP
Lone Ranger.....FLOP

How does this asshole find work?

Last year the Rock made more money than Depp.  And he is a former wrestler.

So what is drawing people to Johnny Depp's movies....oh wait I forgot nothing is because no one is going to see his movies.

Maybe Johnny Depp should do some small independent film where he plays an alcoholic writer who loses his wife and must raise his autistic daughter. (Just a thought.)

Something that reminds us he is an actor, not a circus attraction.

Get off your ass Johnny Depp and start acting.


I'm so cool and rebellious.  I reject acting and
successful movies.