A Tribute to Michael Jackson

Heal the world.  Make it a better place.  For you and for me and the entire Human race. There are faces melting if you care enough for the faces.  Get a better plastic surgeon for you and me.

Condolences

So today is the 38th.  Just keep getting older and probably not much wiser.  But at least I don't look like this 38 year old.

Although I did smoke some great Opium with this guy once at a Grateful Dead show.

Birthdays serve to remind me of where I am in life. Its like Mapquest.  I am standing HERE.

We define our self worth by how many people acknowledge our birthdays and prop up our ego's by saying, "Happy Birthday. Hope its a great day."  Sometimes those sentiments sound equally as empty as, "My condolences" when someone dies.  And what the fuck does "my condolences" mean?  Its not like we have a cupboard full of condolences that we give away each time someone dies.

I usually like to giftwrap my condolences and include a gift receipt in case the condolence is the wrong size or color.  I go to the department store and ask the sales clerk, "Where are your condolences?" They must be somewhere between the greeting cards and the Clearance Bin.

Condolences sound like little desserts.  "Over here on the table we have some cannoli, butter cookies, and oh you just have to try my condolences.  They are amazing!"

Just for a laugh when I introduce my children I like to say, "These are my condolences."

If we really wanna fuck with someone's head on their birthday, tell 'em, "Happy birthday you have my condolences."

What if they say, "I offer you my condolences." You look around the room and say, "I got more condolences than I can carry right now. I'm gonna need a U-haul to get these fucking condolences back to the house."

And what if I don't want their condolences? What if you have too many condolences?  What the fuck am I gonna do with all these condolences?  I got enough mouths to feed already.  I got no more room in the closet. 

Then someone walks up to you and says, "I'd offer you my condolences but my wife got them in the divorce.  I'm just a little short right now, but I swear I'll get you next week."

And then your girlfriend walks up to you and says, "You have my condolences." Oh fuck I'm really in trouble now, but then you realize, "No I don't have your condolences I took penicillin."

The jokes on you. I give you your condolences back.  I don't want 'em. 

So what did I get for my birthday this year?  Condolences. 

Anti Abortion Photo's: A tribute to Midgets

The following are photo's the protestors should be carrying around......


Actually this is a photo from a Beach Boys Cover Band I was in back in 1988. I am the dude with the hair.



As the Beatles once said, "I just got Norweigan Wood..in my pants."


This is just fucked up. But the Anti Abortionists would get our attention.

Imagine if he'd have been aborted. He wouldn't be taking this awesome photo.



If she had been aborted she wouldn't be able to hang onto this PENCIL like she is.


Cuato from Total Recall could be the poster child for botched abortions.


All I am trying to say is that there are plenty of other photo's the Anti Abortion Protesters could use in their fight to make sure people like this are born.



And of course....


Punky Brewster!!!!!

Illinois Nazi's and Anti Abortion Protests

If there is one thing I hate more than Illinois Nazi's its the Anti Abortion protesters littering Cass Ave and Ogden Ave in Westmont today.  They are everywhere with all of their sickening large photo's of aborted babies.  Just take a look...

I don't mind the protesting but those fucking pictures are obscene even if they are true.  If I stood on the corner and held up a large photo like this one.........







I'd be arrested.  And I ask you which is worse visually, not theoretically.

Dr. Teeth Loses His Wisdom Teeth and His Self Respect

So a co-worker of mine is going under the knife to get his wisdom teeth pulled today and last night I had my first flashback.  I woke up sweaty and thinking I was in some Vietnamese Prison Camp with Abe Vigoda from The Barney Miller Show....


I couldn't shake the memory of those awful moments when I got my wisdom teeth pulled.

It was a hot summer day in 1999 and I was already reeling from two Xanax and the Valium the Vietnamese Dentist gave me. I was blindfolded and led into the operating room.


I had my headphones on and was listening to the Grateful Dead as I drifted off...

About two hours into the procedure I woke up!!!!  I vaguely remember the dentist asking me if I was all right. I looked over and saw what appeared to be a very sexy asian assistant.


She asked me, "Evwy-ting ok GI?"

I shook my head no. I could feel it in my bladder.  I had to pee and I had to pee now.  So the dentist and his assistant both took an arm and with the IV still hooked up they carried me down the hallway.  There was one slight problem.  The way the office was set up; the bathroom was outside the office.  So they led me into the janitor room.  There was a mop, a bucket and a sink coming out of the floor.

So this is how I was going to die.

I was in and out of consciousness.  But I regained it long enough to feel someone's hands on my beltbuckle and zipper. God I hoped it was the gorgeous assistant.


But I suddenly realized it was the Dentist HIMSELF!

I was almost to drugged to

Two Fucked Up Photo's

This photo deserved a space on my blog all by itself.  I can only imagine the molestation and inbreeding that is going on within this family.  This photo makes being gay look gay!!  God I hope there is a video to go along with this picture.



I swear to God that is Bill Cosby in this photo.  This must be test footage for the opening of the Cosby Show.

Dr. Teeth Meets Ellen

Thank God it wasn't this Ellen I met.

Recently I was ordered by a Judge to attend Ron Jeremy's Sexaholics Class.  The judge felt that I had an addiction to women and sex.  I felt so judged by that judge!  But I decided that it was either that or prison and we know that I don't  like prison. Not after the last time.....


They dressed me up like a girl and made me fight! They made me fight! I had to kill her. I had no choice!!!!!!!

I was excited about going to sexaholics class because I figured what better way to get laid than there.  Right!!!!  But it was there that I would meet Ellen...

Actually it was just outside that I would meet Ellen.  She was the most beautiful woman janitor I ever seen emptying a bucket.


Ellen and I immediately connected our gaze!! It was like magic. We were both so taken in by each others beauty. 

This is how she saw me...

She called me her sweet Popeye!!

And this is how I saw her...



Isn't she lovely. Isn't she.... 236years old.

We sat and we talked about life.  She told me that she is in the Guiness Book for having the largest collection of Farts in Containers.  She collects them so that she may smell them at a later date.
Not a bad collection.

We also spoke of her favorite Tv show.

She wanted me to dress up as Vicki the Robot and put me in a closet.  Little did she know that when she looked into my pants, the name "small wonder" would have two meanings.

We decided to skip the coffee and the pie and go right to her place in the woods where she lived.

She called it a fix-er-upper and admitted that she'd never used a real toilet in her life.  This just made me hot and I wanted her so badly.

Would she want to have sex so soon.  We'd only just met and I had already missed my first sexaholics meeting. I might be going to prison.
GAY PRISON!!!

So as I took off her dress, several of her bones broke but she told me that would just make her more limber.  Her naked body reminded me of Rose's from Titanic when Jack is drawing her, only Ellen's body looked like Rose after she had been dead and buried for a century. I didnt' care I was addicted to sex.....

Ellen and I embraced and soon we were making love. It was so beautiful.


I finally climaxed and smeared that one drop of blood drenched semen on her face.  She was already dead!!!

I just looked at her lifeless body and cried.  Ellen was dead. 

The love of my life was dead.

Ellen if you can hear me. I didn't mean to kill you. But I really wanted to try that position I saw in that movie I told you about.


Maybe we shouldn't have done it on the stairs.

Good bye Ellen I love you.  And once I get out of Gay Prison I will visit your grave.