The Christmas Blog

Doctor Teeth here again to bitch and moan about something....

CHRISTMAS!!!

Why can't they just nail this holiday to a cross and be done with it?  Oh I forgot in three days it'll just resurrect itself.

Non Muppets always ask me, "Why, Doctor Teeth, do you not like Christmas?"


Well it really is easy, and its not so simply stated being because I am a cranky scrooge.

I don't really believe in God or Jesus, so there is no religious connection for me.

I hate all the consumerism more than I can bare.  BUY ME! GIVE ME! YOU OWE ME!

And at the time of the year when everyone is supposedly supposed to be super happy and friendly they are exactly the opposite.  They are self centered, short sighted and short tempered.  They have one thing on their minds....their own holiday and their own needs. 

People drive like assholes and park wherever they fucking feel like.

Diners in restaurants tip like shit because they bankrupted themselves yet again to buy 50inch TV's and IPad's and Iphones all sorts of other shit that beings with the letter I.

How about the I don't give a fuck!!!!

And people with their fake smiles and incessant cheeriness.  Shut up already and go back to ignoring me.  Your fake sentiments do nothing to brighten my day. 

Its awful... Animal couldn't handle it and chose the easy way out.


Kermit has been missing and is believed dead......



But I will do what I do every year and sit back and watch CASINO, and smile quietly as I look to survive another holiday where I truly feel alone and less than worthy.

It truly is weird to stand in a room full of family and feel like a complete stranger.  To feel out of place.  To feel like I don't belong.  It is not their fault, it is my sense of self. Its my sense of self worth.  Its my own stinkin' thinkin'.....


You know, there is a real person behind Doctor Teeth, he is not the controversial muppet you have all been lead to believe he is.  There is a real person behind this mask and I think maybe its time that the real Doctor Teeth reveals himself....


My Christmas Gift to you all..........



And yes I am that damn sexy. 

Lady Gaga and the Muppets

Well Christmas is here again and I want to apologize for my appearance on Thanksgiving in the Muppet/Lady Gaga special.  It was disgusting, the chick has a cock and I almost relapsed on Robitussin.


I hate untalented and desperate whores like this one. Leave the birdcage on your head I say and don't ever sing another note.

I felt so dirty being on that special. I poured bleach all over myself and took a bath in lighter fluid.


Its amazing how the muppets were sold out to a woman who wears meat, dresses like a slut with Schizophrenia and actually performed songs in porn star attire.

Now, I am not the most moral muppet in the bunch but we were made as a kids program.

Jim Henson would never have allowed us to appear on tv or anywhere with this gross excuse for a human.

Look at how subdued we were in this promo shot. We had all taken a shit load of Thorazine.

And now Christmas is around the corner and I hear we are doing another Christmas special....


No conflict there. Kids should love them.

Next stop....MUPPET PORN.

Andy Did You Hear About This One.....

Back in 1984 my good friend Andy Kaufman decided he had enough of the limelight.  He had enough of the "Fonzi" role he was forced to play.  He had been outcast by his own Transcendental group of meditators.  Suddenly everything was going wrong and Andy wanted only to be one with himself and with the world.  Since he had fallen so out of sync, there was only one solution....

FAKE HIS OWN DEATH.

Now others have faked their own death like, Elvis, Tupac, Hitler and Jesus, but none of them did it with quite the dedication that Andy did.  Although Jesus did put on quite a show but its not fair because he had God's help with the special effects.

Andy just up and quit.  And sold his story of cancer, magic healing gone wrong and untimely death to the National Enquirer so that he could live comfortably for the rest of his life. 

Andy has used a number of disguises over the years to hide his identity....

Well it seems as if my good friend Andy is either looking to come out of hiding or is again pranking the country all while sitting at home no doubt wondering what the hell happened to SNL.

For those of us who know the truth there is very little we can or will say.  Hell I don't even know where Andy lives but I do know that he does live.....

For those of you who don't believe me I say....



 

 

 

 

BREAKING BAD: Gone Too Soon

With the end of Breaking Bad and the death of Walter White we closed the book on one of the greatest tv shows ever made.  The fever pitch that show hit during its run of final eight episodes rivals the ending of the Soprano's and also buried the latters final episode which faded to black leaving the viewer confused and irritated. 


Walter White was no Tony Soprano.  He started off as a meek man and died a evolved criminal who did what he did because he enjoyed it.  Tony started off bad and ending bad.  Tony was always breaking bad.



I guess I got what I deserve....

Walter White sure did get what he deserved but no before everyone else got what they deserve.  The finality of Breaking Bad won't have people on the IMDB message board discussing and arguing for years as to what happened to their beloved anti-hero.


A special love I had for you.....

Its funny, yet not surprising that we cheered and rooted for someone as ruthless as Walter, but in a day and age when the anti-hero is so common in tv and film (Dexter, Mackey, Soprano, Teller), we live vicariously through them and root that they win their crooked, immoral game.  Some of us even shed a tear when Walter died, not just because he was gone, but because one of the best television shows ever was over for good.  The finality or felina of it was too much to bare.



Did you really think I'd do you wrong......

Breaking Bad never let us down.  It never wasted a moment of screen time. It never left a character under-utilized or under-realized.  Everyone mattered in the Breaking Bad world and also did every moment.  Unlike the Sopranos which many times meandered and wasted time, Breaking Bad was tight from the moment the first scene began in season one all the way to its unbearably exciting conclusion.




I long argued that Walter White's ending was the least important to the series.  He was dead the moment the series began.  But it made his death no easier to handle.  The person who seemed most important was Jesse.  What would happen to Jesse? To broken to go straight, to straight to be so broken.  He had to big a heart and an even bigger conscious.  He wouldn't hurt anyone he couldn't see unless he was in a no win situation. And even then he couldn't get past his actions.



There was no way Jesse was going to shoot Walter in the end and that is one of Walt's greatest underestimation's in the entire series.

Actually between his gross underestimation of Jesse and the "convenient" shot to the gut he received, Breaking Bad revealed one of its very few "cheats".  I will always believe that the random shot was a bit contrived, because without being mortally wounded Walt would have been arrested.  And if the series ended with Walt arrested, we wouldn't have felt that sense of closure it gave us.

And had Walt not already been wounded, Jesse may indeed have killed him, although probably not. 


And although Journey's song, Don't Stop Believin' is a more popular song than Badfinger's, Baby Blue all I can say is that the latter has been playing on my Ipod over and over again ever since the night the final moments were broadcast over my television screen.

We never want anything great to end. And we certainly didn't want Walter White's story to end, although we always knew his life probably would.

I do believe this ending will now knock the Soprano's ending off the top of many lists of best ending to a television show ever.

Top 5 Celebrities Who Couldn't Outrun a Bullet

Here are 5 guys I thought were larger than life yet they couldn't outrun a bullet.  I guess money and power can't buy everything.

5. John Lennon-  I have always suspected he paid Chapman to kill him to get the fuck away from that whiny fucking gook Yoko.  What I would do just to shut her up.  I would let sharks eat me alive. I would certainly take a few bullets to the body....


4. Ronald Reagan- Hey if you didn't really wanna be president just tell someone.  Ya didn't have to go and get yourself shot to avoid doing your job.



3. Tony Soprano- Oh wait, he didn't get shot. Or did he?  Seems no one knows for sure because that asshole David Chase decided not to finish the last ten seconds of the series. That fucker.  Actually James Gandolfini couldn't outrun a box of doughnuts as it turns out.


2. Tupac-  Well I'm glad he didn't outrun the bullets. He sucked and so did his music.  Live like a thug, die like a thug.  You had fame, talent and power and yet you couldn't let the ghetto go.  Fuck you.



1. Kermit the Frog-  Became a male prostitute on Craigslist and got hooked on bath salts.  It seems like a sex deal went sour and Kermit paid for it with his life.  You stupid fucking frog.  But then again would you wanna fuck a pig your whole life?

Fuck You Robert DeNiro: A Letter to the Actor

Dear Mr. DeNiro-

Hi, I'm Doctor Teeth....from the Muppets.  I hope this day is finding you well.  I want to let you know that I am a huge fan of your work, at least I was, but I have one question to ask you...

What the fuck happened to you?

I understand that after years of being in amazing movies for very little pay, you decided to grab the paycheck by appearing in dreadful shit.  But couldn't you balance some good stuff with some of the crap?  I mean you don't make anything but pure shitty garbage now.  Have you lost your passion for acting?

Killing Season, Freelancers, Big Wedding, Last Vegas, The Family..... do I really need to go on?

What the fuck is that matter with you?  I hear that you are thinking about rebooting the Police Academy franchise and that you want to star as the robot in a reboot of Short Circuit.

You have turned into a laughable, untalented hack.  Why?  For awhile you released some crap and people forgave you, but now you are known as a guy who is ONLY in crap.  And when once your name meant something in a cast listing, it now means STAY AWAY!!!

Why?  Who is your agent and why aren't they dead?
Has Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Harvey Keitel and Martin Scorsese even tried to host an intervention?

I know you're 70, but its not too late to make at least two more great movies. Tell Marty you'll work for free in his next film.  Maybe consider a Sopranos. Breaking Bad, Dexter type TV series.  Who would have thought that Bryan Cranston would best you in the acting department.  He was the fucking dad on Malcolm in the Middle for fuck's sake.

Please Mr. DeNiro.......hope is not lost.

Thank You-

Doctor Teeth

PS: Happy Holidays

Short Movie Reviews

I have been crazily going to the movies lately and here are some of the ones I have seen and what I thought....

Insidious 2.......absolute piece of shit. Its a rip off of Poltergeist 2 and The Shining and doesn't even pretend not to be. Its not scary and its boring. And its confusing.  I can't believe this came from the same director that did THE CONJURING, a vastly superior film.

Prisoners...a great film that plays almost like a horror film. Imagine the horror of having your young daughter and her friend go missing.  What is a father to do but kidnap the retarded suspect and torture him to get answers. This was a great film that had a few unexpected twists along the way.

Captain Phillips.....Tom Hanks gives a competent performance as the Captain of a cargo ship that is taken hostage by a group of skinny assed Somalians, and possibly even one Starvin' Marvin from South Park. Great tension and drama made this an entertaining film.

Gravity......not nearly as good as everyone is saying and certainly not Oscar worthy, but still a very entertaining piece of art that takes place in space, a scary fucking place to run out of air.  Not enough Clooney and too much Bullock....never did think much of her.

Machete Kills.....please kill me rather than having to sit through another one of these boring flicks, although the promised third Machete Kills:In Space looks like it could be so bad its good. Its like a rip off of Moonraker and Empire Strikes Back if it starred a short, scarred faced Mexican.

Carrie (2013).....totally unnecessary remake that is boring, and misses the point so nicely made in the book and in the original film. Chloe Moretz gives her first bad performance as she overplays Carrie and starts flying around the gymnasium with her special powers. It was ridiculous.

An Ode to Black Stretch Pants

They were made for girls to wear, but they were created for men to enjoy.  BLACK STRETCH PANTS!!!!

I mean, come on, they are so tight fitting that you can see every curve of a woman's thigh, the roundness of her butt and the shape of her vagina.  Its not my fault; I didn't create them, but I will enjoy them.

Whether they be cotton, vinyl or some other amazing space age fabric, I don't care.

Here are some examples...





I love them, and the color black makes them uber sexy. Me love long time.

And of course Cat Woman makes them even sexier.




I want to give praise and thanks to the Black Stretch Pants and stretch pants in general. They make being a man a whole lot more fun.



Unfortunately these pants sometimes have the opposite effect.

The Long Goodbye

Things are rapidly changing for these Muppet.  I am no longer using Crystal Meth; I said I would only use it until Breaking Bad went off the air, or until I died.  Well Breaking Bad is gone, and what a fucking amazing ending it was.

I mean I thought of that machine gun idea years ago when I was fired from the Muppet Show for indecent exposure and well......a rape charge for which I was acquitted when the witness turned up dead.

If Walt hadn't of been randomly shot by his own invention then he certainly would have been arrested, in some ways a more honest ending to the show.  But hey, it was a hell of a way to go.

I also had it reconfirmed that sugar substitute will kill you...right Lydia?


Anyway, I haven't had much to write about. I thought about doing a story about boobs, but decided to just add this picture instead...


Google really has some amazing tits. I must admit.

This is my sister.  She is such a friendly girl. 


So anyway, you've gotten used to nudity, and disgusting thoughts and behavior, but I think it might be time to do something different.  Maybe a blog about Obamacare...


Seems like I've got boobs on my mind....

Well its time to sign off then until I have something to say besides posting titty shots.

Its starting to wear thin.  And get so boring....

Enjoy the boobs.....


Be back soon?

Collecting Cat Life Insurance.

So Doctor Teeth here....

I had a knock on my door this morning.  It was the police.  They wanted to bring me in for questioning because so many cats have gotten sick or died under my care. They think I may be poisoning them in order to get the insurance money.

I told them repeatedly that the cats have no life insurance.  And since we live in America, they have no insurance at all.

I asked them if Obama Care covered veterinary expenses, but they didn't know. What the fuck do the police know anyway?

I asked them if they had anything better to do than harass a muppet with a horrible bath salt addiction when 13 people were shot in one fell swoop in Chicago last night.  They said that Rahm Emanuel had it covered by giving a speech with big words in it.

I told them they should drop a fucking bucket of chicken in the middle of ground zero and maybe the shooting will stop.  They didn't like my racist joke, but I don't like gangbangers using innocent people as target practice.

Maybe if they stopped holding the gun sideways, they'd hit their intended target, but they're too fucking stupid. If they hold the gun the correct way then they aren't emulating their favorite rap stars. Do you think 50 Cent would hold the gun correctly?  No fucking way. Don't be so fucking stupid.

Maybe there are black cats coming into my apartment and harming my cats.

I'm sure of it.

Anyway I ranted so long to the police, they forgot to arrest me and left without incident.


How cute that the little boy is learning to hold a gun, but he's holding it all wrong.  Its not sideways. If he keeps that up he'll end up hitting his intended target.  His uncle on the right is doing it right.


A for effort.....

Ashes Gets Sick:My Plea

Watching your cat get sick is awful. The worry about his life, his health and his possible death is a lot to handle. And if you're financially walking a tight-rope that adds to the stress and pressure.

Ashes has blood in his urine and appears to have a bladder infection. He went to the vet and is on antibiotics.  He should be fine, although at 13 years old this is part of being old.

But I am writing this because I had a cat die last year then seven months later another cat died, and now 6 months after that I have a very sick cat.

I expected Ashes to die before Zoe and Daniel, but it was not meant to be that way, but now Ashes is sick so what the hell is going on?!!!!

I am worried, enraged and sick.  I am resentful, tired, and lost. I am doing the equation of how much money I am willing to or can spend on Ashes before I am faced with throwing in the towel.  But first things first. If he bounces back, then no worries.....for now.

I am really traumatized by Daniels death still and having to suck urine through a syringe out of a litter box, force feed medication and stare at the litter box again to make sure Ashes is peeing is bringing back dreadful and painful memories.

Once again the litter box is in the bedroom next to the bed so I can see and hear every time Ashes goes to the bathroom. (With two cats its hard to tell who is doing what)

If I could just get a bit of a break from having to deal with cat medical issues I would be so grateful.

Please, just leave me alone for awhile.

My First Gay Experience

It has taken years for me to get up the nerve to write about my first gay experience.....

It was the summer of 2004 and I was living alone in Van Nuys when......






GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!  You suckers!!!

Celebrities Under the Age of 21 I'd Like to Fuck

1. Dakota Fanning- This chick has turned into a fucking hot little blonde with a nice tight little ass and a fresh, I haven't been fucked face. She is 19 and ready to fucking par-tay!!!!!!!!


2. Miley Cyrus- Ever since the 2013 AMA's this crazy broad got even crazier and I bet she would take it up the ass after three lines of cocaine.  She also probably snorts bath salts and smoke Spice, so she wouldn't remember a thing.  Damn she is fucking fine.



3. Chloë Grace Moretz - Ever since hearing her say the word CUNT and seeing her wear a school girls outfit in KICK ASS, I wanted to make this bitch my sex slave. I, unfortunately have to wait a year since the age of consent in Illinois is 17, unless I take her to Canada or some shit.  She just has this look like, "Please fuck me Dr. Teeth, I'm so hot."


4. Abigail Breslin- Ever since I watched her refuse to drink water in SIGNS and then take on zombies in ZOMBIELAND I knew this young hottie had to be added to my list of under 21 celebrities I'd love to fuck. She is tight, hot and ready to party.  She looks like a young Linda Lovelace.



5.  Elle Fanning- Damn, I get two take on two Fannings at once.  Dakota and Elle, meet my muppet penis.  Let's do this. Or wait, maybe we need to go to Canada to do this since the age of consent is like 14 or some low shit.



I'm sure as time goes on this list will grow longer and harder and throbbing....AHEM...sorry about that, but as long as Hollywood keeps sexualizing these young hotties, I will be there to dream about them.

Its not illegal to fantasize and hell these girls are all at least 16 so where is the crime?! Where is the crime I ask you!!!!



***My attorney advised me to write THIS IS A PARODY here in case people don't get it. I saw fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.***

Miley Cyrus Cuntroversey

Everyone is chatting up the internet about Miley Cyrus's LSD crazed semi-porno performance on MTV's AMA's.  I didn't even know MTV associated itself with music anymore.

Her performance supposedly disgusted everyone, but lets face it, no one was disgusted, they just needed something to talk about. American Boredom.

Monday morning came and everyone was comparing this 20 yr old whore to Lady Gaga's whorish look and act also.  Both girls, although I am not sure Gaga is a woman, both took the stage looking like they left the set of a porn shoot although at least Miley put clothes back on while Gaga continued to strut around naked.

This is what music has come to.

People are saying this will hurt Miley's career, but lets be realistic, this will help her career and maybe she can stop trying to convince us she is no longer Hannah Montana.


The fact is this is what makes careers. And just wait it'll be a year or two more before there is footage on the internet of Miley sucking a huge cock or masturbating.

All of these girls are pathetic.  Music in general is pathetic.

Black rappers all fighting in made up fights.
Female singers all trying to out-whore each other.
Justin Beiber who looks like a butch lesbian who smokes weed, races cars, fucks monkeys and is just a pathetic loser.

And then there are all the others who just make plain old boring pop, studio created music that all sounds like the same bubble gum crap.

Miley did a great thing and people will be downloading her music, and she will be interviewed endlessly and she will make a lot more magazine covers.

But after you've shocked people the only thing left is to make good music or make hardcore porn.

I am voting for a hardcore porn XXX video.

Cum On Miley.....